No comfort

Hi @iserbrown,

I think it is really too early to tell some stuff.

 For example i went back to work part time to see what i thought about it. I dont currently see it as lack of passion or drive but more work is in the place it should be. The culture of my workplace is another thing. I work in a male dominated probably old style environment and i knew even before bc that it wasnt a 100% good fit. I just dont know if current me really finds it a problem. I do work, they pay me and in between i dont really think much about it. This is very different to old me who worked 50+ hours a week,  felt responsible for everything and wanted to do well. 

There are some kid things going on and change is needed. Its causing me stress because old roles may not fit but they are still hard to shake off.

Im just not really sure who i am right now.

I may reach out to my life coach as i trust her. But although she is aware of my journey im not even sure she fits in the same context. One thing she taught me is that emotions are mostly fleeting. They wash over you. If you sit with them eventually they move into other things. Its the uncomfortableness of those emotions which is unsettling and can provoke activity which may or maynot be helpful. 

One thing that is on my mind is do i still relate to any of my old friends and does it matter? What do i do if the answer isnt the easy path? What about family members? 

Nothing really solvable today...

@MicheleR

You sound like there's a disconnect in your life at present.   
Yes diagnosis and treatment is front and centre and not all in your everyday can relate.
I agree with @Afraser an appointment with a Counsellor may help.
In the meantime you commented you had a Life Coach.  Can you draw on any coping mechanisms you may have gained 
Is your working environment right for you?  Do you need a change?  
Perhaps write yourself a list of pros and cons as you try and find peace within
Best wishes 
Take care 

Hi @Michelle_R,

It sure is life changing for us isn't it. So much comes up for us to rethink our life with our bc. Every thing is challenged, questioned and what was important is no longer. It can be hard to gain peace with it all. I was so intense at work.

I pushed myself hard as a high achiever for various reasons but mainly to provide for myself and my son. I had lots big health issues and was a sole parent for 20 yrs.  Was i wrong to push myself so hard?  Maybe but it happened and then I got bc. 

It has changed my life and attitude and I am ok with that. For me I find staying in the present moment the best way for me to live, find peace and joy. I have to practice mindfulness, mediation and exercise to help myself but that's what works for me. I did get some counselling too and it was helpful. I am a bit of a fan of Patrea King Quest for Life. She has a Facebook pages and there are plenty videos for relaxation and meditation. She has a couple books too. I read one called Your Life Matters and it resonated for me. 

I hope you find that peace

@FLClover,

No think you got it perfectly. Thanks.

Its like ive outgrown everything. This week has been really hard for lots of serious reasons. I felt distressed not to have any comfort for the barrage of things i have to deal with. 

I ended up taking a sleeping pill cause i wasnt going to be able the think my way out of it last night. 

What did you do? At work i got asked to not do something. Not a big deal, wasnt a personal thing and i was like sure. But the reason given us that wasnt bosses style and i just thought after im sick of people trying to make me them however well intentioned. 

I got told with a child not to help child with other family relationships. I admitted something ive been holding in and it didnt feel good. Scary. 

Im talking to friends but unable to go deeper as too personal and wouldnt get it. I ferl isolated exactly.

Anyway..thanks. 

There’s sometimes occasions when talking to a complete stranger really helps. A counsellor or psychologist specialises in getting you to answer your own questions. Many of us go through a ‘does anything matter and if so, why?’ phase when faced with a disease that might kill us. And if you weren’t sure about your direction in life before bc (like many of us again), it’s no surprise that you are no more certain now. Your oncologist or GP should be able to assist with a referral. We work so hard on the bodily side of bc but the mental and emotional side is really important and often overlooked. Best wishes.

I could be wrong Michele, but it sounds to me like you’re going through a major shift. Which, tbh, is not at all surprising after having smth like bca. I started going through a shift before my diagnosis, but bca kicked and hurtled me through it much faster. I feel like I’ve been through the East Australian Current in Finding Nemo, when Marlin and Dory were swimming somewhat peacefully along it, then got flung and spun out unexpectedly by Crush. Only mine wasn’t fun like theirs. And ca is not cool like Crush. I think the illusion of the system gets destroyed, and we realise things we thought were important, that we were fighting so hard for before and which nearly ruined us, are actually not that important at all. And so we find ourselves in limbo, looking for something more meaningful, but it’s hard to figure out what and others can’t understand this need. So once again we can find ourselves feeling a bit isolated, not knowing which direction to take. Exercise, hobbies, walks etc are all very good, but are also in part distractions from the elephant in the room.