Forum Discussion
How to prioritise self care?
So self care is the mantra in survivorship right?
I need to do gym three times a week for the weight bearing exercises to stave off the bone damage of Letrozole. Haven't managed to work that into my schedule since early last December.
On the days when I'm not at the gym I have to walk because minimum of 30 mins a day exercise, preferably an hour.
I have to bust stress, of which I have an excess. So I'm starting a yoga class on Saturday morning. Can't use food and booze to stress bust anymore.
I have to sort out my head, get rid of the depression, manage the anxiety, so it's a psychologist appointment every two or three weeks. She wants me to journal. I struggle to find the time. She also wants me to spend 30 minutes a day doing something I enjoy, just for me.
I saw my dietician today about my failure to knuckle down and lose weight. My willpower is rubbish and as you know, it's like rolling a boulder up a hill trying to lose weight in menopause on an AI. Have to eat a low sat fat diet because of the Letrozole cholesterol issues. I have to cook most days of the week for a vegetarian, three meat-eating teenagers and a Type 2 diabetes octogenarian.
There's also the assorted ongoing medical appointments that seem to roll around with remarkable frequency.
This afternoon on my way home from the dietician in Town, I received a phone call from my son saying my daughter was vomiting, a lot. She was already home with extreme tiredness and what she described as stress from the overwhelming amount of schoolwork she has (Yr 10). Of course it could be just that, or glandular fever, but my mind goes straight to cancer. Lymphoma probably...
I also get an email from school about my nephew (Yr 8) He's got yet another detention after being given several warnings to rein in his classroom behaviour. The teacher is "beginning to wonder if he has impulse control issues".
My son, starting uni next week, has done nothing whatsoever about learning to drive or getting a job and has zero money. How does he think he is going to pay for his day to day uni life? He's been sitting in his room playing computer games and watching anime since November. From the beginning of January I've made him cook dinner once a week.
My niece continues to be the most difficult of them all. Almost continually rude, refuses simple requests, sulky, terrible sleep issues & much more.
So to properly deal with each one of those issues takes buckets of time and buckets of money. GP appointments, specialist child psychologists and who knows what else. About to take vomiting daughter to the doctor now.
My self care, if done properly, would take buckets of time and buckets of money.
There are no buckets here. If there's a choice I have to prioritise the kids. Any prioritising of myself is already accompanied by massive guilt.
I am really struggling to arrange my survivorship life. And that's even before I start trying to find and then hopefully get a job. How does everyone do this? How do I recover fully and lead a healthier, engaged life in survivorship, and take care of everyone else, have a satisfying relationship with my partner, a job, maintain contact with my friends, keep fit, lose weight, not be stressed and feel OKish about everything? Is it actually possible to do at all?
Yours from the House of Bad Behaviour and Vomit, K
I need to do gym three times a week for the weight bearing exercises to stave off the bone damage of Letrozole. Haven't managed to work that into my schedule since early last December.
On the days when I'm not at the gym I have to walk because minimum of 30 mins a day exercise, preferably an hour.
I have to bust stress, of which I have an excess. So I'm starting a yoga class on Saturday morning. Can't use food and booze to stress bust anymore.
I have to sort out my head, get rid of the depression, manage the anxiety, so it's a psychologist appointment every two or three weeks. She wants me to journal. I struggle to find the time. She also wants me to spend 30 minutes a day doing something I enjoy, just for me.
I saw my dietician today about my failure to knuckle down and lose weight. My willpower is rubbish and as you know, it's like rolling a boulder up a hill trying to lose weight in menopause on an AI. Have to eat a low sat fat diet because of the Letrozole cholesterol issues. I have to cook most days of the week for a vegetarian, three meat-eating teenagers and a Type 2 diabetes octogenarian.
There's also the assorted ongoing medical appointments that seem to roll around with remarkable frequency.
This afternoon on my way home from the dietician in Town, I received a phone call from my son saying my daughter was vomiting, a lot. She was already home with extreme tiredness and what she described as stress from the overwhelming amount of schoolwork she has (Yr 10). Of course it could be just that, or glandular fever, but my mind goes straight to cancer. Lymphoma probably...
I also get an email from school about my nephew (Yr 8) He's got yet another detention after being given several warnings to rein in his classroom behaviour. The teacher is "beginning to wonder if he has impulse control issues".
My son, starting uni next week, has done nothing whatsoever about learning to drive or getting a job and has zero money. How does he think he is going to pay for his day to day uni life? He's been sitting in his room playing computer games and watching anime since November. From the beginning of January I've made him cook dinner once a week.
My niece continues to be the most difficult of them all. Almost continually rude, refuses simple requests, sulky, terrible sleep issues & much more.
So to properly deal with each one of those issues takes buckets of time and buckets of money. GP appointments, specialist child psychologists and who knows what else. About to take vomiting daughter to the doctor now.
My self care, if done properly, would take buckets of time and buckets of money.
There are no buckets here. If there's a choice I have to prioritise the kids. Any prioritising of myself is already accompanied by massive guilt.
I am really struggling to arrange my survivorship life. And that's even before I start trying to find and then hopefully get a job. How does everyone do this? How do I recover fully and lead a healthier, engaged life in survivorship, and take care of everyone else, have a satisfying relationship with my partner, a job, maintain contact with my friends, keep fit, lose weight, not be stressed and feel OKish about everything? Is it actually possible to do at all?
Yours from the House of Bad Behaviour and Vomit, K
136 Replies
- The key to training an animal is to reward good behaviour. Instantly, even if they've only given something a tiny try. That makes everyone feel good and is so much more effective than punishing misdeeds. Thing is, they have to give you something to work with, however meagre. It doesnt take much to find a reward they enjoy, even if its just you dropping the rope and letting hem stand still for a minute.
Unfortunately the program doesn't work so well with difficult children, particularly if nothing (apart from pissing you off) actually pleases them to start with or they've had a chance to form a herd and feed off each other. Very frustrating. - @kmakm they are hard enough to handle when only one at a time are carrying on let alone all of them together
hugs
if you crack an answer on the 18 yo let me know I could do with tips. 18yo boy in my house is currently under threat of parent teacher interviews in a week or so which he got told if I get any surprises about his homework it will be the last time he sees his gaming pc for the rest of the year - he knows I’m serious too, it has been taken away a number of times for a whole term before
generally I have to nag to get things done (ie ask, ask and scream like a psycho) they all act surprised as if they don’t know they have set chores(they do) and I get they are busy with sport and schoolwork but I’m busy with work and running them around so no excuses.
Hope your daughter is better, yep year 10 has a lot of homework but as we say here no point fighting city hall just get it done. - Not many of us were trained in motherhood, any more than in coping with cancer, it's a miracle we adapt as well as we do and kids grow up to be reasonable adults. Aggression is often an externally focused form of misery. Teenage years are notoriously about exploring and being miserable. I learned a small amount from a short period of a two year old's distress at crèche (caused by trying to join in with the five year olds!). The advice was to stay out of it and let her work it out. We all want to fix things - for ourselves, for those we love. One of the hardest things is to accept that sometimes it's necessary for them to work it out for themselves - consequences and priorities. And that it takes time - things don't happen to fit a schedule or our patience. We need to be visible and reachable for our kids but they do have to learn how to fall and get up again. Just as we do.
- I don't know the answers to this ginormous shitfest, as I don't walk in your shoes. Someone posted something along the lines of part of this, that is, a surly, rude entitled teenage girl. Something about a mobile phone was mentioned, and I expressed astonishment that this ill mannered teen still had the phone. The stunning scream of silence which followed, gave me the impression that other members did not agree with my old fashioned approach. I have no idea about her issues of loss and abandonment she has regarding the loss of her mother. I also have no idea about what life lessons her mum left her with, and if she was mature enough to absorb them. I also gather from your post that therapists are part of your family strategies of coping with all these complex and tangled issues. If the back ground issues for her weren't there, I would do as I would have done if either of my offspring had tried this on me in their teen years. Take away anything which has value to them, such as mobiles, computers, make up, jewellery, access to tv and so on for which you have paid. Also allowance or pocket money. She would get the bare essentials, such as school uniform, clean undies and regular (not high fashion) clothing and shoes. Strict curfew, school or home...that's it. No socialising at all. I'm afraid I was never a pushover for teens, I made it quite clear, I was their mother, not their slave or servant. I told them that relationships were a two way street and asked if they would remain friends with someone who treated them the way they were treating me? Perhaps say to her that it appears obvious that she hates living with you and I'm sure you get the "You're not my mother, so don't tell me what to do", or something along those lines. Do some research on someone like Barnado's or similar foster home entities and print it off. Hand her the info and offer to drop her and her attitude off to them. Perhaps she would prefer a group home or foster care? Put the ball in her court and if she tries to call your bluff, don't blink first. I'm sure she will realise which side her bread is buttered on and will reign in her outrageous attitude. This is only my opinion and is in no way meant as a criricism of you or your family. You are so incredibly loving and giving to have taken on this huge load when you yourself were grieving the loss of your sister, closely followed by your own diagnosis. I wish I could help in some way, but all I can really do is to acknowledge your anguish and send you a hug. Ally.
- @kezmusc @Zoffiel sounds like the tough love approach worked for u. My mum was like that with me - I was a little shit (not to the extent of anything illegal though) and she was very hard with me. I left home at 17 just because I wanted my independence but we ended up having a great relationship as I got older.
- @Zoffiel,
My step son (who has lived with me since he was 7) got ousted at 17. We had no other choice. Constant phone calls from the school, teachers turning up on the doorstep etc. We let him quit school and get a job. That didn't last long and he got the boot for not showing up.Then he hooked up with this not so nice girl and together they were Bonny and Clyde.
Neither of them would get off their arse and work, so he decided it was easier to steal everything that wasn't nailed down from us and hock it. Cash, farm equipment, dvd's, my jewellry. Even a big order of star pickets that had just been delivered vanished overnight. He wast taking things from out clients, we had to install security cameras in the stables etc etc etc. It nearly broke my husband's heart as they had always done everything together. Then we just got angry.
He denied it constantly, obviously thinking we were totally stupid, so we had to kick him out. 12 months living in a crappy caravan out bush with his girlfriend made him get his shit together.
He eventually got a cabinet making apprenticeship, rented a house and came over and admitted what he'd done and apologised. The relationship is now very good all things considered.
Hard to do? Absolutely. But it did make him grow up rapidly. - Maybe sit them down and read them the replies you've had to your post. It might bring a bit of perspective; that you and your family are not the only ones going through tough times and that they have some mutual obligations.
When I hear of surly teenagers acting like they are entitled to their own personal servant and the world owes them a living it makes my blood boil. Yeah, I understand they have had a shit time but they are not out on the street or in institutionalized foster care. They can thank you for that.
My son tried this shit when he was 16 so I kicked him out. He'd already started an apprenticeship because I was utterly over fighting with him about going to school. Then the busiess of treating me like rubbish and the house like some sort of hotel started. So, I found him somewhere to board in town and dumped him in there.. Everyone was horrified but his behaviour was making me feel sick and angry all the time. It worked out OK in the end, and even if it hadn't I had little choice. Selfish of me? Probably, but I will not tolerate being fucked around. By anybody. Life is too short. We now have a relationship that is much better than it would have been had I let him guilt me into submission.
You are obliged as a parent to give them support when they are infants--as long as you are able to. You are not obliged to enable bad behaviour.
You have chosen to take on a variety of responsibilities, but you are not responsible for the circumstances that brought you to this point. If they are going to make you feel sick they need a reality slap. - @kmakm Shit shit shit shit shit shit. No answers but I hear you. Sending you my love and hugs. Take care, deep breaths . Xxxx
- @melclarity and @tigerbeth It's a heartbreaking job as well as a physically draining one. I did it for my Mum's house 19 years ago and it took me 10 years before I could go through the boxes that I packed up (photos, documents, etc.). In the end, I had a garage sale then got the Salvos in to take the rest and got a professional cleaner out of the estate to do the house. It was just too much on top of the grief of losing her.
@kmakm I keep thinking the same thing since I went back to work. Just how am I supposed to fit any of this proactive health stuff in? I've tried but the little bit of extra time to do it (when I've found something that a)I can afford and b) that I can get to, just about kills me. And waiting until I get home to do exercise by myself is a joke - as soon as I finish the stuff that has to be done, I'm exhausted on the couch.
You're doing it so hard with the kids. I do hope the family meeting has sorted something out. At the very least, with the older two. Do they have any more influence with your nephew and niece? @zoffiel may have a point with going on strike but I suspect if they're like my lot, that would just mean suspension of reality for the time. But they all need to help run the house so I hope that your husband has gotten through to them. And I do hope your daughter is feeling better.
Take care, my lovely. - @kmakm what a c u next Tuesday of a week. I agree with what @Zoffiel said - do on strike - even if it’s just briefly try and coordinate with hubby and maybe u could have a couple of nights in a hotel and get a massage and just have some time for yourself??
i also agree with @kezmusc u would be finding me in the bottom of a bottle with all that to deal with!!
