Feeling ordinary

Well I canceled my covid jab.  Gonna talk it over with my onco on Friday.  I feel a little bit relieved.  I’m worried about my immune system to be honest.  It’s a bit hyper at the moment.  

And I’ve booked an appointment with my long suffering psychologist lol.  Last night I did some journaling. (after a bingefest on Netflix and lots of chocolate) Talk about stream of consciousness! I was flicking through my journal, heaven forbid anyone looks at it.  :#     Found a bucket list from lockdown last year of things I wanted to do when lockdown ended and funnily enough I have done most of them. So it’s not like I am not having a good time on the outside,.....obviously I need to sort out the dark fog in my head. 
#random thoughts 

love Caz xx

@Caz1 (and anyone else!!) - feel free to give this a go - it is an online mental health support group that has partnered with the Cancer Council to provide the service for those who are either rural and can't access help  .... a few from BCNA have already used their services - it is available thru to October!  Well worth checking out (the links & explanation are here:)
https://onlinenetwork.bcna.org.au/discussion/22855/cancope-an-online-program-to-help-those-with-cancer-cope-both-emotionally-and-physically#latest

I’m taking an antidepressant and seeing a psychologist. A cancer diagnosis is definitely a trauma to recover from. Your not alone x 

@Julez1958 hear hear!! 🥂🎉

Hi Caz1
everyone is different
and yet, everyone on here can relate in some way to what you are saying
I have had my mastectomy and radiotherapy ( did not need chemotherapy) and have been on Femara for a few months.
When I was getting all the results of my scans and there was no evidence the cancer had spread to other places I thought that was the end of it.
then I found out that most women who get stage 4 cancer get it later on, not on the first diagnosis.
so of course we all have some anxiety about recurrence .
the main difference is how we deal with it.
sone may need professional help to deal with it , some may not.
Each month that passes since the end of my radiotherapy I get a bit better.
I realised after I went away on holiday for a week a couple of months ago I had spent a whole week without crying!So that was progress.
I am trying to focus on only doing things that are fun or necessary , looking after myself both physically and emotionally and enjoying all the good things about my life.
I have found this forum very helpful as only women who have had breast cancer can ever truly understand what it is like.

You’re welcome @Caz1 ☺️. I remember this time last year, I’d just joined the forum and was still a stalker. I was reading everything I could to be informed. Then I’d look at the ‘survivorship’ group (category) and think I don’t belong there yet. And all I wanted was to be able to say that I did belong there, that I’d made it through everything and was cancer free. Back then my mind was very messed up so I wasn’t sure if I’d even be part of that group. Then I thought I’m just gonna go and read the comments anyway, who cares. So I did. A lot of it was posts like this one, where women were past the worst of it but still feeling down, some even depressed. It was like they couldn’t move on with life. That got me crying quite a bit. Then I thought so if/when I finally get to be a part of and post in this group, it’s still not going to be about being happy and feeling secure. So when the hell do I get to be happy and feel safe and healthy?? And then I thought stuff this, I can’t waste my time waiting for cancer to go so I can be happy. I was already waiting for YEARS for this or that to end so I could be happy, and was actually already depressed and worn down, and what happened?? I got b ca!!! And then again I had to wait for the b ca to be rid of, and then again I wouldn’t be happy!!! And I just thought no, I’m already a survivor. I’m not going to wait anymore to feel like I’m winning at life and to enjoy it and to be happy. I’m starting now. So I got myself in the mindset that I’d already beaten ca, and started genuinely enjoying myself, going out, looking after myself etc, and treating myself without feeling guilty. And I thought I can be part of that group whenever I want. But being an English teacher, I taught my students that ‘survive’ means barely managing in a particular situation. So I had a big problem with that. As a dear friend of mine said, if I didn’t use surviver pre-cancer, why should should I use it now?? We’re not survivors, we’re humans. And pre-cancer we didn’t think, ok I’m here now just trying to survive. We were trying to thrive. Make it more in this world than just the bare minimum. Why should that change now?? So post cancer I’m just going to spend my time barely trying to make it?? I didn’t fight this hard for just that. I want a lot more. Colds come and go. Headaches come and go. Ca came and went. Hopefully came only once 🤞. Yes, it left side effects. A lot of damage too. But everything does. So we adapt to the changed version of ourselves, and continue trying to thrive ie enjoying ourselves and the moment, and just being happy and content with what we have accomplished and have yet to accomplish. And just basically doing our best to make the current moment as comfortable as possible. Absolutely none of us have any guarantee as to what can happen, it’s beyond our control, and it’s not failing. At the beginning I thought I can’t say survivor, what if it it recurs and I feel like a fool? But then I realised it doesn’t work like that. At any given moment, ca or not, we fight. We fight for ourselves and our lives. And that right there makes you a thriver. Nothing to do with having ca or not. That’s why I don’t like the word ‘survivor’. 

Hi @Caz1,

Im having ups and downs too. Im about a 6 weeks out of active treatment.  

Im busy. More than id like. I notice when i feel rushed i eat crap and too much. Im scared of returning to old habits if the intensity of diagnosis and treatment dials down. Maybe the stress eating and lack of exercise of past times will return and ill get a recurrence. Maybe the rushing around caused it. Its only a vague worry but present. Will i undo. 

I just cried my eyes out over the 2020 video they showed in the living well webinar. So personal to my experience somehow  

For me, i have to challenge my thoughts. The cancer (not my cancer!) didnt happen in a day, in a week, it happened god knows how. Its nothing i can control. 

I remind myself its not a test to pass. Its just trying to move to health again. 

All of us are superwomen, we have passed through an ordeal that we cant undo. Does really matter what the label we apply is. Is it winning. I dont know.

But bless that feeling where some things, feelings and experiences are just that bit shinier.

Michele

Wow, some real wisdom here.  Thanks!
 
I agree, maybe the looming  appointment  is part of the problem.  And I’m having my covid shot on Saturday which I’m not looking forward to and yes, I’m worried about it even though I am over 50!  Just a bit sick of medical stuff I suspect. :| 
 
And yes, the word survivor IS problematic.  Wow.  Thriver is so much better. It comes without the negative connotations and pressure.  Pressure to survive and not let anyone down by getting cancer again. To have not ‘ failed’ at getting better.  That really hits a nerve,  and seems much clearer to me now. That’s brilliant @FLClover and Tracey. Thankyou.   <3

The flying fox must be a thing haha, it once would have been my nightmare scenario too, but I had so much fun and laughed and laughed! 
Like, what the heck have I got to lose? 

Big hugs to you all
Caz xxxxxxx

I get it @Caz1, I have the same little niggle in my brain, mainly when I’m trying to get to sleep or waking up with a hot flush and I can’t turn my brain off. My oncologist referred me to a cancer rehabilitation program at the hospital after I was a blubbering mess recently at my appointment with her. I’m going to see an exercise physiologist tomorrow, and have telehealth  appointments coming up with a dietitian and counsellor to see if they can help. Maybe yours can do something similar. Take care xx

Hey @Caz1 - well done on getting thru your active treatment AND the flying fox!!  

That 'flat' feeling is totally 'ok' and common.  For the 6-12 months previous, we've been regimented by appointments and treatments & scans & stuff ..... on a bit of a treadmill .... and now, someone turned the treadmill off & you feel a bit lost!

Many of us feel that 'flat' & well what to do now!? feeling! And NO - you are NOT a fraud for surviving .... hold that head high, go & crack a bottle of something, with a packet of chips & put your feet up ..... I really like @FLClover's comment - you are a THRIVER!!  YES!

Take up a new hobby to mark 'the new you' ... (Ukulele is good but I may be biased!! ;) ) Keep busy - idle hands & all that!  

Just get back out there & start enjoying life again cos the rollercoaster we were on just wasn't fun at all!!  
 
take care xx