Dont follow me Im lost too

Sorry for last post.

I think one of the things that is making me feel low is having to rely on health care practitioners to "care" for me in place of friends who profess to care but where have they been?

This is complicated to pull apart.

Yesterday I saw a movie called Off the Rails which is about friends who come together for an adventure provided by a cancer patient friend who has died. I thought this film would be funnier and uplifting. It was a tearjerker. 

I saw the movie with a close friend, one of the ones who has stuck by me and understood the challenges.  It was a bit awkward to be honest as its about friends who didnt spend enough time with the person who died. Kelly Preston is in this movie. 

Anyway its thought provoking, close to home but not sure i would recommend.

I mean it fits with my general mood but is it healthy?...

Hi @Julez1958,

I agree keeping busy helps. Ive been sewing tops for my now assymetrical body.

 I made a few bras out of desperation but heres a thing, when Ive mentioned it with non-cancer people they suggest i make it into a cottage craft business. On one occassion I said "but i dont want to, this is not how I saw my life turning out". Its not that I dont want to help others its just that bra making particularly is labour intensive, every woman is different and I dont want to turn something that has touched my life so deeply into a money making exercise - even though there is probably no money in it, its not like knocking up 20 of the same products with scrap fabric and going to a local market! 

Its like there is an expectation that Ill turn adversity into some sort of successful enterprise. Im just trying to find some pleasure, have something to wear and turn my brain off. Why do I have to lift people up with conquering adversitym 

Im becoming cynical too, a bra fitter came to an exercise class. I asked if she had a bra for uni boobers.  No. After, I realised that their business is actually selling prosthetics and the bras that go with them. The prosthetics are where the money is, they have no interest in bras for flatties or assymetrical people. It doesnt fit their business model. Did they go in it to help us, maybe, is it a business, yes. 

See, Im feeling a bit cross...

Hi @MicheleR
it is quite common to fall into a funk after the end of active treatment.
I am now 7 months post reconstruction surgery and 18 months post mastectomy , I had radiotherapy and am now on hormone therapy for 5 years ( 4 years in).
I read a lot of books and blogs and saw a counsellor for a couple of sessions early.
I found the podcast by Dr Charlotte Tottman on here helpful - she is actually in Adelaide and specialised in treating cancer related stress and then got breast cancer herself.
I also find keeping busy helps - I am 63 and semi retired but do exercise every day ( walking, swimming, Pilates) .
I also take regular trips away ( Covid 19 permitting!)
I think a Gratitude Journal is a great idea - I started a journal when I got diagnosed mainly to record all my medical appointments etc but it did include my feelings - I hardly post in it these days except to record medical stuff ( I do still see the physio and acupuncturist).
I was looking back at it recently and liked this line “ I haven’t cried for a week , the holiday did the trick”.
I do still have the odd cry though , that’s normal.
Take care🌺

Here are the books i got. In case others are also looking. 

The first is more like examining emotions and asking questions to trigger your own thought patterns. Maybe my expectations that i should be over it are too harsh? How do i get over it without letting it colour the rest of my life? 

Havent read much of the second yet. My father-in-law with secondary prostate cancer is reading books I notice which are more spiritual. 

Touching 50 can be an emotional mid point for many people, with or without cancer and treatment to contend with. Any life threatening disease can trigger, at very least, a ‘what’s it all about’ state. The damage done is often very evident, which can make holding on to positive potential all the harder. Reviewing the meaning of life after a year of cancer treatment is more hard yards, but ultimately worth doing. A good counsellor, who understands that it’s not all about the cancer but about expectations too, can be a very helpful asset in all this. Best wishes. 

Hi @MicheleR,  I think this is common after fighting so hard to get through treatment. We pump out large amounts of adrenaline when we have to fight to recover with our treatment. Once that fight had past the critical stage it's a matter of what goes up must come down so it's natural to hit a bit of a slump. 

I finished active treatment just over a year ago and I have those feelings you mentioned. I have to work at it daily to keep the blues away. I walk every day and I do keep a gratitude journal of kinds as well as practice mindfulness and some meditation. I use an app called Delightful for my gratitude practice. It is easy as it's on the phone and it prompts 3 questions for gratitude. 

I have read lots of books. One that resonated with my was Your Life Matters by Patrea King. You can get it via her not for profit foundation called Quest for Life. She has cancer herself and does alot with people who have had cancer or other traumas. 

I saw a counsellor during active treatment but I know i can reach out when I need to. 

This road out of cancer seems long doesn't it. I am nearly 60 but feel probably much older. The impact of cancer and treatment is a long one for us really and no wonder as look at what we all had to go through. 

I hope this slump will pass for you and you will feel better soon. Take care x

Ah @Zoffiel. Im sorry that you are also wading through treacle.

I do have a psychologist i can see. Im a bit embarrassed now but yes I can touch base.

I bought a couple of "after cancer" type books for my kindle last night. Maybe im looking for something a bit spiritual, i dont know. 

Its good to make light of it and I did but ive become a person whose presence and comments can make others uncomfortable. Im trying to adjust relationships. My 50th is coming up and whilst im thrilled to be alive I dont feel like partying. Im surveying the damage...

Oh @MicheleR it is.

Even through the most gruelling treatments I somehow found the ridiculous in many of the horrible situations I found myself in. I could be funny.

Now, 5 years after BC V2, I am just grim. Working, trying not to over think every ache and pain and, to be honest, just plodding forward.

 I suspect I should make a booking with my counselor, but God knows what has happened to her in the last three years. If you have some sort of relationship with a mental health team, might be time to reconnect?