JSN
6 years agoMember
Checking in and needing some connection-Struggling and lonely.
H everyone
Been a few months since checking in. Last time I was experiencing a lot of sadness. I having been seeing a psychologist weekly to work through all the issues that arise post treatment etc, as I titled my last post shifting priorities. So much has changed and continues to change.
We moved house because I just couldn't be in the house we were living. I didn't recognise who I was there. Still hard to look at myself-Understanding who I am from what I was. Instant menopause, short grey hair with a completely different feel and texture, changing relationships and recently some anger issues.
I have been working through it all slowly but what scared me was the instant rage I felt at other people who are talk about such trivial frivolous shit - getting wrinkles, hair colour, hot flushes of natural and slow menopause, whinging about kids, husbands, partners, holidays, money, getting a cold, what to buy at the bottle shop, getting botox, work issues (that I see as completely solvable) and any number of day to day stuff. People are just living their lives and, doing probably what I used to do but now but now I am just so different. I have been back at work and I got really angry over a few things and my line manager suggested I take some time off to heal. I have done this but what scared me, as I said earlier, was the anger and intolerance. I don't recognise that or how to deal with it. I have never been this intolerant or angry. I feel so seperate from other people now. I feel so lonely. When i am talking to others I feel like pretending.
There are so many issues from the past that have arisen through counselling, crappy childhood issues (emotional abuse and emotional neglect etc), relationship issues, all sorts of things have come up that I am dealing with. I have connected with survivors through dragon boating but the conversations are focused on the task at hand-paddling. Right now I just want some deep connection and support from other survivors who understand and can offer any advice or reflection of their own experiences of post treatment experience. I want to be able to talk about it all-the fears, fear of every ache or physical niggle, the isolation, the feeling of separateness of being so apart from everyone and some reassurance that others have felt this and have come out the other side. My oncologist described it as 'Your brain catching up with what has happened to you'.
I am having treatment for depression and anxiety. I just want connection.
Here is the only place I feel safe enough to share my feelings about it all. I talk to my psychologist, husband but they haven't been through this.
My friendships have changed because I have changed and it's sad. Really sad to admit that and I have nothing to give anymore.
xxxxooooo
Been a few months since checking in. Last time I was experiencing a lot of sadness. I having been seeing a psychologist weekly to work through all the issues that arise post treatment etc, as I titled my last post shifting priorities. So much has changed and continues to change.
We moved house because I just couldn't be in the house we were living. I didn't recognise who I was there. Still hard to look at myself-Understanding who I am from what I was. Instant menopause, short grey hair with a completely different feel and texture, changing relationships and recently some anger issues.
I have been working through it all slowly but what scared me was the instant rage I felt at other people who are talk about such trivial frivolous shit - getting wrinkles, hair colour, hot flushes of natural and slow menopause, whinging about kids, husbands, partners, holidays, money, getting a cold, what to buy at the bottle shop, getting botox, work issues (that I see as completely solvable) and any number of day to day stuff. People are just living their lives and, doing probably what I used to do but now but now I am just so different. I have been back at work and I got really angry over a few things and my line manager suggested I take some time off to heal. I have done this but what scared me, as I said earlier, was the anger and intolerance. I don't recognise that or how to deal with it. I have never been this intolerant or angry. I feel so seperate from other people now. I feel so lonely. When i am talking to others I feel like pretending.
There are so many issues from the past that have arisen through counselling, crappy childhood issues (emotional abuse and emotional neglect etc), relationship issues, all sorts of things have come up that I am dealing with. I have connected with survivors through dragon boating but the conversations are focused on the task at hand-paddling. Right now I just want some deep connection and support from other survivors who understand and can offer any advice or reflection of their own experiences of post treatment experience. I want to be able to talk about it all-the fears, fear of every ache or physical niggle, the isolation, the feeling of separateness of being so apart from everyone and some reassurance that others have felt this and have come out the other side. My oncologist described it as 'Your brain catching up with what has happened to you'.
I am having treatment for depression and anxiety. I just want connection.
Here is the only place I feel safe enough to share my feelings about it all. I talk to my psychologist, husband but they haven't been through this.
My friendships have changed because I have changed and it's sad. Really sad to admit that and I have nothing to give anymore.
xxxxooooo