Dear @JSN. Thank you for your post. You have articulated so well how many of us feel.
I have more or less stopped posting about my mental state here, for fear of being repetitive. Also I know that I have received criticism here in the past for 'complaining'. It is beyond my power to 'hurry up and get better', and as for 'getting on with it', I am at my utmost limits getting out of bed in the morning to get the kids off to school with a 100% fake smile on my face.
I have been diagnosed with major depression. I have thoughts of self harm. I see a psychologist, I exercise, I take medication (increased last week), I force myself to socialise, I started a support group, I'm applying for volunteer positions. Everything you're supposed to do, but so far, nothing is working.
I live in constant pain, have constant hot flushes, and listen to my friends say they're through menopause and feel wonderful. I spend time with my friends and often enjoy their company, but they've stopped asking me about me and my life. They're all moving on, travelling, enjoying their careers, making plans. I have some extenuating circumstances beyond my own cancer, and I am stuck.
I am working on accepting that my life is not what I thought it would be. I have lowered my sights on any future aspirations. I try to distract myself from my hopelessness and sadness with small acts of 'being kind to myself', like baking a cake, potting a plant, or going to a cafe for a cuppa. Sometimes this works, distancing the sadness for a short while. However it never goes away.
That I feel little hope for the future distances me from everyone around me. I fake it for my kids and my husband but it's beyond exhausting.
I don't have the anger (other than occasionally), but I do have the separateness and isolation. I hear you @JSN, I see you, but I have no solution to offer. Just know you are not alone. K xox
