@JSN
I wouldn't say that you have nothing to give anymore...because your post has given us all some food for thought.
It's been 2 years since both my and my husband's cancer diagnosis (aggressive prostate). Anger was what i experienced the most followed by frustration and a feeling of helplessness for us both. As time went on the anger resolved itself, i saw a psychologist and started an exercise regime to try and gain control over my life again. What i felt the most was the loss of control and the fact that everyone treated you with kid gloves when all you really wanted was to be treated 'normal'. Thankfully our daughters took it all in their stride and kept things on a normal level. My closest friends still treat me differently. Every time we meet it's 'how are you, Cath'...god i wish they'd stop asking because it's not what they're asking it's how they ask it that jacks me off.
Nothing is normal anymore after a cancer diagnosis, everything is a new normal which pissed me off big time. Not so much anymore though, I've come to accept it.
I'm lucky enough at this point that a lot of issues have resolved themselves. My husband still gets zero psa levels which is great. At at the same time we are dealing with the fall out of no prostate, being erectile dysfunction...that can take up to 4 years to rectify itself, if at all. My husband is infinitely patient about it but for me it's just another thing i want to be 'normal'. I miss that full sexual experience more so because my libido is so low.
My first mammo was clear. My second one is next month and so far I'm not stressing over it too much but i know as the date gets closer i will. All those nasty little 'what ifs' creep in. Then my right breast starts twinging and funny little aches and it's like 'Stop it!' I stress over too much these days but i know that will hopefully lessen with time. Coping with drug side effects is what dominates my life. I've been back on letrozole for 6 weeks now after a 2 month break and it really bites in my ankles, knees and hands. Two days work in the garden and I'm a mess. But i don't let it stop me...use it or lose it...i am a much more determined person now in that respect. I just have to pace myself, though sometimes it's a case of stuff it and damn the consequences!
Give yourself time, @JSN. I know that sounds like a well worn saying but it's true. And be kind to yourself. Good on you for seeing a psychologist, it helped me, and for doing dragon boating. @Afraser is right in saying to find something that gives you pleasure. I don't know where you live in Brisbane but do you have a favourite beach or walk that you like to do. For me escaping to our home in north east Victoria is always calming, walking round our half acre and staring across to Mt Bogong especially now with all the snow on it. It is our home away from home till we can retire there.
I'm glad you feel safe enough to share your feelings here. Keep doing it when you need it because we all know where you are coming from.
Hugs Cathxx
