Completely Rubbish.
As I sit here literally sobbing into my gluten free pasta with butter I wonder how it all came to this.
It's like all my efforts to keep going for the last ten years were a complete waste of time. Trying to keep fit, keep on top of my job, rebuild my house, raise a decent human being--it all comes down to gut aches and insecurities in the end.
My blood work last time shows some crappy indicators that all is not well and my oncologist is starting to get agitated. My TMs are OK, it's the periferal stuff that shows I'm either malnourished or I'm not processing what I am eating which has both of us concerned. Sick woman's blood. The problem is I can't stand the pain of eating anything that might help address this. It's not nausea, the chemo has elevated my gluten sensitivity to a full blown intolerance and vegetables and protein are my enemies. There is no lining left on my gut. I'm down to eating basic starch, sugar and some dairy. Disgusting.
I know that I can't heal without the right nutrients and I'm terrified of sliding down the slope into heart disease and general disability. I'm just exhausted. I can't imagine being in a head space where I could get back to work. I'm going broke. And I know that at some stage in the not to distant future I will be dealing with yet another recurrence. How many times does one woman have to get that news?
Rad onc appointment and mapping next week. I'm seriously considering pulling out of it. I don't think I can afford the extra time off and it all seems a bit pointless anyway. I think I'm getting to the pointy end of the 'quality v quantity' decision making process and that stuffing around with low value treatment options because it makes other people feel better is not smart.
It's like all my efforts to keep going for the last ten years were a complete waste of time. Trying to keep fit, keep on top of my job, rebuild my house, raise a decent human being--it all comes down to gut aches and insecurities in the end.
My blood work last time shows some crappy indicators that all is not well and my oncologist is starting to get agitated. My TMs are OK, it's the periferal stuff that shows I'm either malnourished or I'm not processing what I am eating which has both of us concerned. Sick woman's blood. The problem is I can't stand the pain of eating anything that might help address this. It's not nausea, the chemo has elevated my gluten sensitivity to a full blown intolerance and vegetables and protein are my enemies. There is no lining left on my gut. I'm down to eating basic starch, sugar and some dairy. Disgusting.
I know that I can't heal without the right nutrients and I'm terrified of sliding down the slope into heart disease and general disability. I'm just exhausted. I can't imagine being in a head space where I could get back to work. I'm going broke. And I know that at some stage in the not to distant future I will be dealing with yet another recurrence. How many times does one woman have to get that news?
Rad onc appointment and mapping next week. I'm seriously considering pulling out of it. I don't think I can afford the extra time off and it all seems a bit pointless anyway. I think I'm getting to the pointy end of the 'quality v quantity' decision making process and that stuffing around with low value treatment options because it makes other people feel better is not smart.
