Forum Discussion

Cook65's avatar
Cook65
Member
11 years ago

Wide awake and struggling :-(

Hi all, It's 4:01am and I'm wide awake, tears streaming down my face. I have been so positive and apparently an inspiration since my diagnosis in April but the wheels have completely fallen off in the last 4 weeks. I don't know what is wrong with me! I cry lots and am so, so angry and fearful. I saw the radio oncologist yesterday to sort out the next phase of my treatment. I was so anxious and distressed. I got a parking fine to top it off and that's just the straw to break the back today. I just feel like screaming "give me a break". I feel as though I'm not getting the support I need from my husband and some of my friends and seem to be relying just on my brother and two girlfriends. Everyone else seems to say the right things but when push comes to shove they are nowhere to be seen. I'm angry that my body has let me down again (I have suffered with a chronic illness for 7 years prior to my cancer diagnosis). I have always had to have lots of injections and normally they don't worry me but I'm finding that I'm even getting anxious about them now. Not sure if this is depression (I was already on anti depressants when diagnosed with the cancer, which they have just up'd the dose on) or if it is all part of the grieving process, menopause or what. I'm struggling with people complaining to me about the stuff in their lives ie hubby has a cold as do I and when he complains I just feel like screaming at him "really! Really! You're complaining to me who's as sick as a dog from chemo as well as having the cold!" I feel as though I have become selfish as all I can seem to think about is me and how this is effecting me and what my future holds. It feels like every thought I have is related to bloody cancer. It feels like all I talk about and those around me talk about is how treatment is going and what's next. I have booked in for some counseling but that's not until 20/10. I need to pull myself together as I still have 10 months of treatment to get through, between finishing chemo, radiotherapy and herceptin. The catalyst that seems to have set me off was having a port installed. My anxiety went through the roof at having this done. I had it the same day as chemo and was just so so exhausted, sore and feeling awful afterwards and I just haven't picked up since. Stupid really because in the scheme of things and what we have to go through, that's really not a big deal but it has been for me. I'm hating how I feel both physically and emotionally. I wish the world would stop just for a little while so I can hop off this merry go round so that I could collect myself. Sorry this post is so negative. I just need to vent my spleen and get some of this out of my system.
anxiety
coping
emotions
  • Cook65's avatar
    Cook65
    Member
    11 years ago
    Thank you everyone for your thoughts and encouragement. It's awful to know that others have felt this way before you but it's nice to know that you're not going insane too. This process is definitely the most confronting thing I have ever been through on so many levels, as I am sure it is for all of you. I don't think I have ever been so scared and so lonely in my life. Unfortunately I haven't connected very well with my breast care nurse but there is a nurse who does my chemo who I have bonded with. I spoke to her last week when I had my treatment and it was her who organised the counselling for me. It's interesting how it just seems to be something relatively simple that can set you off and all of a sudden you can't cope anymore. And yes you're probably right in saying that maybe I wasn't coping as well as I thought I was beforehand. I just have to remember that it is only 12 months of my life and it will get better. I just feel so pathetic when I lose it. I am a control freak by nature and to be so far out of control of everything is just so hard. There have been some positives throughout this process ( I refuse to call it a journey as a journey is something I want to go on) but just at the moment the negative outweighs the positive. I think breaking things down and taking one thing at a time is a good plan. And allowing myself time to cry and be miserable if that's what I need to be. Thank you all again for your support and understanding. It makes such a difference knowing that you're not alone and that other people do understand. Much love to you all xoxoxo Karen
  • Cook65's avatar
    Cook65
    Member
    11 years ago
    Thank you everyone for your thoughts and encouragement. It's awful to know that others have felt this way before you but it's nice to know that you're not going insane too. This process is definitely the most confronting thing I have ever been through on so many levels, as I am sure it is for all of you. I don't think I have ever been so scared and so lonely in my life. Unfortunately I haven't connected very well with my breast care nurse but there is a nurse who does my chemo who I have bonded with. I spoke to her last week when I had my treatment and it was her who organised the counselling for me. It's interesting how it just seems to be something relatively simple that can set you off and all of a sudden you can't cope anymore. And yes you're probably right in saying that maybe I wasn't coping as well as I thought I was beforehand. I just have to remember that it is only 12 months of my life and it will get better. I just feel so pathetic when I lose it. I am a control freak by nature and to be so far out of control of everything is just so hard. There have been some positives throughout this process ( I refuse to call it a journey as a journey is something I want to go on) but just at the moment the negative outweighs the positive. I think breaking things down and taking one thing at a time is a good plan. And allowing myself time to cry and be miserable if that's what I need to be. Thank you all again for your support and understanding. It makes such a difference knowing that you're not alone and that other people do understand. Much love to you all xoxoxo Karen
  • LKaye's avatar
    LKaye
    Member
    11 years ago

    Dear Cook65

    I agree with everything that the other girls had to say. My breastcare nurse was a great support for me while I was waiting to see a councellor. I couldn't believe the amount of tears I shed, I was constantly wearing sunglasses. It does you good to vent in a safe and understanding environment where there is no judgement and you don't have to be strong for anyone else. We all care because we truly do know what you are going through.

    Be kind to yourself. Hugs

    Kaye

  • Hazel_M's avatar
    Hazel_M
    Member
    11 years ago

    So sorry to hear this has all built up for you, of course we don't mind if you vent and get it out of your system. I also suffered depression and anxiety before my diagnosis and it makes it just that little bit harder. I had a picc inserted in my arm and I remember the day well. Picc got inserted at 8am followed by oncologist at midday and the plan was to have chemo at 1.30. Somehow I got lost in the system and was still waiting for chemo at 3.00 when I fell asleep in the waiting room (complete with drooling). Woke up at 3.30, completely broke down and it was then that my chemo was given. Walked out at 5.30, all the lights were out and got home a little after 6. All in all an 11 hour day. That was my catalyst. Of course, I should I have said something earlier, but my anxiety was sky high. My partner was diagnosed with cardio myopathy halfway through my chemo and I can clearly remember sitting down and just sobbing, wondering what we did to deserve all these bad things. I could feel myself start to slide into that dark place, but I managed to stop and just started to break things down to managable pieces. I just took one day at a time, when that day came to an end, went to sleep and started the same process the next morning. I can also understand how all talk seems to be about cancer, I often found myself just wanting to talk about the weather, anything but cancer. I'm happy that you recognised you need to talk to a professional, I found it helpful when I talked to a psychologist at the hospital. My GP also helped get me through. Don't worry about posting what you think is a negative blog, I posted quite a bit when I was struggling and the ladies on here always understood. I made it through and have actually come out the other side a stronger person, my partner has his illness under control, I recently started back at work. Try to take one day at a time, have a good cry when you need to, you will find yourself stronger than you think, I'm sending you big cyber hugs, keep in touch,

    Hazel xx

  • Hazel_M's avatar
    Hazel_M
    Member
    11 years ago

    So sorry to hear this has all built up for you, of course we don't mind if you vent and get it out of your system. I also suffered depression and anxiety before my diagnosis and it makes it just that little bit harder. I had a picc inserted in my arm and I remember the day well. Picc got inserted at 8am followed by oncologist at midday and the plan was to have chemo at 1.30. Somehow I got lost in the system and was still waiting for chemo at 3.00 when I fell asleep in the waiting room (complete with drooling). Woke up at 3.30, completely broke down and it was then that my chemo was given. Walked out at 5.30, all the lights were out and got home a little after 6. All in all an 11 hour day. That was my catalyst. Of course, I should I have said something earlier, but my anxiety was sky high. My partner was diagnosed with cardio myopathy halfway through my chemo and I can clearly remember sitting down and just sobbing, wondering what we did to deserve all these bad things. I could feel myself start to slide into that dark place, but I managed to stop and just started to break things down to managable pieces. I just took one day at a time, when that day came to an end, went to sleep and started the same process the next morning. I can also understand how all talk seems to be about cancer, I often found myself just wanting to talk about the weather, anything but cancer. I'm happy that you recognised you need to talk to a professional, I found it helpful when I talked to a psychologist at the hospital. My GP also helped get me through. Don't worry about posting what you think is a negative blog, I posted quite a bit when I was struggling and the ladies on here always understood. I made it through and have actually come out the other side a stronger person, my partner has his illness under control, I recently started back at work. Try to take one day at a time, have a good cry when you need to, you will find yourself stronger than you think, I'm sending you big cyber hugs, keep in touch,

    Hazel xx

  • Jane221's avatar
    Jane221
    Member
    11 years ago

    Hi,

    I could really relate to your post. I vividly remember the various times throughout my treatment (Feb 2012-June 2013), when the wheels fell off and I thought, enough is enough, I'm tired of being strong and positive and trying to keep it all together for friends and family. My worst moment was towards the end of radiation treatment and my arm blew up like a zeppelin from lymphodoema and I had to get my favourite ring (that my husband had given me when we were first going out) cut off. Again, a relatively small thing but like you, I felt betrayed by my body, hating how I looked and emotionally spent.

    That was almost two years ago and I'm happy to say that things are looking up and getting that portacath out was the first significant step in turning a corner. As Jenny says, hang in there and take it one day at a time, knowing that you will get through this.

    I really admire the fact that you have sought help from counselling and support from this blog. These are both very positive steps to take and I wish you well.

    Jane

  • saphire's avatar
    saphire
    Member
    11 years ago

    Hello

    Yes everything just seems so overwhelming and everyone deals with it different Your breastcare Nurse is usually a really good person to help you through it and hopefully you can get great support there. My husband had back and hip problems at the same time I had been diagnosed so I had that to deal with and he is still waiting for operations while I am in the middle of chemo. My daughter is very sick and is bed ridden and doesn't live with us so I have been getting great help on here and through my Community Church so I am thankful and it is good to always except help when offered it doesn't matter by who and be kind to yourself. You are a very important person to all who knows you and loves you

    Hugs and Love Karen

  • saphire's avatar
    saphire
    Member
    11 years ago

    Hello

    Yes everything just seems so overwhelming and everyone deals with it different Your breastcare Nurse is usually a really good person to help you through it and hopefully you can get great support there. My husband had back and hip problems at the same time I had been diagnosed so I had that to deal with and he is still waiting for operations while I am in the middle of chemo. My daughter is very sick and is bed ridden and doesn't live with us so I have been getting great help on here and through my Community Church so I am thankful and it is good to always except help when offered it doesn't matter by who and be kind to yourself. You are a very important person to all who knows you and loves you

    Hugs and Love Karen