Wide awake and struggling :-(

So sorry to hear this has all built up for you, of course we don't mind if you vent and get it out of your system. I also suffered depression and anxiety before my diagnosis and it makes it just that little bit harder. I had a picc inserted in my arm and I remember the day well. Picc got inserted at 8am followed by oncologist at midday and the plan was to have chemo at 1.30. Somehow I got lost in the system and was still waiting for chemo at 3.00 when I fell asleep in the waiting room (complete with drooling). Woke up at 3.30, completely broke down and it was then that my chemo was given. Walked out at 5.30, all the lights were out and got home a little after 6. All in all an 11 hour day. That was my catalyst. Of course, I should I have said something earlier, but my anxiety was sky high. My partner was diagnosed with cardio myopathy halfway through my chemo and I can clearly remember sitting down and just sobbing, wondering what we did to deserve all these bad things. I could feel myself start to slide into that dark place, but I managed to stop and just started to break things down to managable pieces. I just took one day at a time, when that day came to an end, went to sleep and started the same process the next morning. I can also understand how all talk seems to be about cancer, I often found myself just wanting to talk about the weather, anything but cancer. I'm happy that you recognised you need to talk to a professional, I found it helpful when I talked to a psychologist at the hospital. My GP also helped get me through. Don't worry about posting what you think is a negative blog, I posted quite a bit when I was struggling and the ladies on here always understood. I made it through and have actually come out the other side a stronger person, my partner has his illness under control, I recently started back at work. Try to take one day at a time, have a good cry when you need to, you will find yourself stronger than you think, I'm sending you big cyber hugs, keep in touch,

Hazel xx