The Journey

Here's one for you ladies - the other day? I had so many cat scans and lab tests - I thought I had been to the Vets (hope that made you smile)!

I totally agree - I went for all those scans the other day, I am living in a tiny country town and we had to travel, so being used to the 'serenity' of a little town and go to a much larger busier place - people, traffic lights, everyone moving SO fast! It is very daunting, then when it came to the scans - those big machines and being told to drink awful stuff (I will never drink ouzo again - put me right off anniseed!) and being shuffled from one department to another, get dressed, get undressed bla bla bal - I felt like I was in a heard of cattle!  To make matters worse, they don't explain much if anything along the way - and I found I was so overwhelmed and it really knocked me around emotionally.  And those big machhines, I haven't ever seen any of them before and did not know the processes - like I said they didn't explain a lot and it was scary.  Looking back in retrospect, it wasn't all bad really - not like it hurt or anything, but the whole thing put together throws you into a spin out.  After my chemo (starts next month) I have to spend five to six weeks away in a busy town that I hate and I fear it will be a LONG five-six weeks (sigh) but all you can do is (cliche!) is take one day at a time, no use fretting - I have decided my husband and I will deserve a really, really good holiday! It is something to look forward to.  Doctors explain a cetain amount of stuff - in 'doctorish' ways - basically they draw a picture, explain a few facts and risks, I come out of there feeling like I have been punched in the head with a giant boxing glove!  You have all these 'secret' little fears you try to push back in your mind but they are there, you know, I know how a frightened child would feel if they were left alone in a big shopping complex - sheer terror.  You can't talk to people about it, lets face it, who needs the sad "Oh poor dear" and well meaning looks - its a double edge sword.  I am so so glad I got on this site because it has lifted my spirits to know there are others out there who can relate, and relate in the best way - again thank you so much ladies, God Bless you! x x x

hi all

I found a team of doctors that are excellent, each within their discpline, but there is the linking factor (& roller coaster) of our emotions that gets missed in the above scenario, and I believe that it is really useful to establish a [maybe new] relationship with a counsellor/ survivor/ religous guide/ this blog/ cancer helpline or shrink- which every you prefer!

That has knowledge of the cancer process to help You the person and your soul, get through this. There can be really dark Black days, or just teary days - its funny what can set you off, movies that aren't even sad, seeing happy people at the shops ~ without a care in the world? - that is tough some days!

but at least you can ring someone and ask, is this how it can be? is this normal? and what can i do ? what did you do? will it hurt again tomorrow?   and to watch out for signs of depression.  As I dont think its mentioned much, but having had a few (all sucessfull so far) surgeries they still seem to creep in few days afterward some really "down" days, which dont appear to be acknowledged by the pure medicos, so you need to have your own awareness of this, understand that it may be part of your journey and get some help from some qualified people :) family and friends are a great support of course, but some issues may be really difficult to discuss ~ so sometimes it may be easier with someone a little outside of your situation.

cheers B

Thank you for your thoughts - you have no idea how much I can relate to what you are saying  - amazing.  How do I add you as a contact? Cheers J

Now I know why I 'made' myself get on this website - to meet people like you, you ladies seem to have the right things to say and that makes me feel better, - thank you, my eldest is 38 (ish) and youngest is 23....all very different people - keep me posted, you sound very nice

JJoy you are not alone and are experiencing very similar emotions to me. I too have a wonderful husband who is trying so hard to cope with this. My children (son 18 and daughter 14) are still coming to grips with it. My son lives with his father (previous marriage and my daughter spends every 2nd week with him) so they are often not here to see my bad days which is a kind of blessing. My daughter is very focused and positive but my son never calls to see how I am and like you, this hurts me very much. He just thinks it will get fixed and Mum will be fine! I have very supportive friends, but all my family are in the UK and I still feel very lonely at times. Although, I think this site will help me. I too have a grade 3 and it was a large (5cm ) tumour which really scares me too. If you would like to add me as a contact to keep in touch, please do. I will upload a photo soon :)

You are not alone here jjoy.We have all got similar stories and help each other.How old are your kids? I think that makes a difference. You get swept along this journey with not alot of time to process it all.Seems such a fuss for a little lump doesn't it.They say you have cancer but you feel fine.Well you sure as hell don't feel fine once treatment starts and it's so long and drawn out with more twists and turns than a funpark ride.It is normal to be scared and cry. Chemo IS scary.I was soooo anxious before my first dose that they had to give me a calm you down pill.It's the unknown.And then ofcourse,you get the hair loss which I found very distressing.I've become an expert in bald head management.Keep coming onto this site as there is always someone to chat with.Put me as a contact if you like.

                                    Tonya xx

You are not alone here jjoy.We have all got similar stories and help each other.How old are your kids? I think that makes a difference. You get swept along this journey with not alot of time to process it all.Seems such a fuss for a little lump doesn't it.They say you have cancer but you feel fine.Well you sure as hell don't feel fine once treatment starts and it's so long and drawn out with more twists and turns than a funpark ride.It is normal to be scared and cry. Chemo IS scary.I was soooo anxious before my first dose that they had to give me a calm you down pill.It's the unknown.And then ofcourse,you get the hair loss which I found very distressing.I've become an expert in bald head management.Keep coming onto this site as there is always someone to chat with.Put me as a contact if you like.

                                    Tonya xx

I can really relate to you on this one.  Some times I just don't know what to think, let alone what to say.  I found out from the Oncologist mine was a grade three - maybe the surgeon told me that, I honestly can't remember.  I take my husband along with me - he's a great back-up because I just sit there like a stunned mullet nodding my head away like a 'noddy' thing.  This isn't like getting your tonsils out, or a bad case of the flu, but my children seem to have that attitude, most of them wont even discuss it with me, nor do they ever ask how am I feeling - this hurts a lot as I have tried talking to them, I don't know wheather its just a coping mechanism, or did I raise kids that don't understand or care.  My eldest sister has been through it, but continually compares apples with oranges and all it does is frustrate me - in many ways, I feel very much alone, I am very fortunate to have a supportive and caring husband, thank goodness!  I think that is also why I have turned to this site, at least all you lovely ladies know what its all about!  As one lady said it is one club you don't want to join, but I am sure glad we have each other to turn to and express our thoughts.

I too am at the start of my journey, only having been diagnosed on 9th March. I have had a lumpectomy and removal of my lymph nodes but the surgeon told me yesterday that the margins are not clear so I will now need a mastectomy. My emotions are all over the place, especially as they want to start with chemo first and do the surgery in a few months. It is scary when we put our lives in the hands of these people and have to trust them implicitely. So I fully relate to your roller coaster of emotions...we are allowed to cry and then we must get back onto that positive track and keep fighting :)