Telling people is a new kind of agony! How do you reassure someone you love and who loves you that everything will be ok - when you're the one breaking the bad news? It's hardly begun to sink in for myself that I have cancer anyway, even as I'm talking to them I'm in a bubble - like I'm talking about someone else. I'm used to that, it's usually me who is the support person. None of this feels real, actually.

I remember this feeling. It was only a few weeks ago for me. In the beginning it wasn't the news that I had cancer, it was telling other people the news that was the most stressful. It was always followed by an onslaught of questions I didn't know the answers to, by emotions I didn't expect or have the practice to handle, and at one point a friend walked though my front door and fell apart. She broke into tears and cried on me and I had to comfort her because I have cancer. I couldn't help but laugh at the absurdity of it. Just all that question answering really built up a stress wall for me. I've found that keeping a blog updated, just with enough information to satisfy the crowd has really helped. It's so much better being able to reply with a URL instead of repeating myself to 6+ people. The Am I going to wake up, is this a nightmare stage fell away for me before two weeks hit. I notice you hit this place up on the 13th - diagnosis day? It'll be surreal for a while, it helps to stay organized in the madness and focus on single things. One appointment, one blood test, it makes it a lot easier than 12 appointments this month and losing your dang mind. Sorry if you're already all over that and it's come off as condescending - I'd rather mention it and help now than risk your getting lost and overwhelmed, which is so horribly easy to do. After I was diagnosed I found it really comforting to have everything in front of me on screen - still do - so if you'd like it, I keep myself organised with this. Did you order your BCNA My Journey Kit yet? It's a free resource and is really good with helping you out in these first few weeks - I'm still finding it great to consult on new things that pop up. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

Oh - I want to add this. It's the "How to help a friend or colleague with breast cancer" BCNA leaflet. It really helped out the crying friend I mentioned, haha! A couple of prints of it come in the My Journey Kit too, so you can hand them to people you've breaking the news to in person. It helps answer when they ask "What can I do?" but you have no idea what to say. I sure didn't.

Hi it is a tough time and others see you in pain and are unsure what to say. I told family friends and they fed it on to their families. With work I asked the manager to tell everyone the day I started chemo. I have a sister who continually told me how strong I was and in the end I told her she had to stop as I wasn't strong just getting through each day the best way I could. It will take time to get used to having bc, once you have a plan set up it will get easier. A diary for all your appointments and questions to ask your doc. Take a deep breath and take it one day at a time. I'm 2 years clear and believe there are days when I still think did that really happen to me. Lots of support here ask away someone will have a answer.

Hi Keiley, I am sorry you find yourself in this situation. Telling people was really hard for me - especially my elderly parents and other family members. I prefaced it by saying that I had something to tell them but they had to promise to be strong and positive. This was really helpful as they reacted ok when first told. I learnt that this was a way I could ask people for help and let them know what I needed i.e. I needed positive attitudes, commiseration, and understanding. Nevertheless I did find there were times especially when I started chemo where I found myself comforting others. This was really tiring but as you move through treatment and after everyone gets over the initial shock and awkwardness it does get easier. All the best, Nadine

Thank you Inkpetal! The link you shared with me is exactly what my brain needs right now. I can pluck a couple of those spinning plates down and put them away - you know what I mean? I'm off to work, but I'm so glad I took a minute to see if there were any replies first. Thank you so much. I'll blog more of my 'story so far' tonight.

telling people | BCNA Online Network

27 Replies

Keiley
Member
10 years ago
Thanks Adean, big hug right back to you
adean
Member
10 years ago
Being tough is not always good, putting on a brave face is even harder. If someone offers help except it, even if it's food anything. People don't know what to do and I think if your actualy honest and say I'm having a bad day they appreciate your honesty. I told who I wanted to at work, I didn't want people to cry or feel sorry,I just told them check your boobies and it's surprising how many did.for me my girls were the hardest. The bcna cd was great my husband apparently listened to it in the car. We've all been there and it ain't east. Big hug to you adean
Keiley
Member
10 years ago
Thanks Brenda! I'm feeling pretty anxious tonight so that might help.
Brenda5
Member
10 years ago
Feel free to click on any of our names and read our blog posts. They aren't private and if we wanted them that way they wouldn't be up there. I'm a bit of a chatter box though on mine lol.
PaulaN
Member
10 years ago
I third it LOL Paula
Keiley
Member
10 years ago
Yep, it's really effn unfair. I'm hoping I'll be able to let the tap off slowly so I don't drown - but I only got diagnosed Friday afternoon. It's been an intense weekend, and today.

You're so right about having to exit asap, I might have to switch out of carer mode and into warrior mode on occasion. I can do that.

Thanks for your experience, I need your story.
donnafischer
Member
10 years ago
Try not to push the emotions down too far. They will find a way of bubbling out. Find a few safe close friends and let it out. You need to rant and yell and scream and cry. This is a very unfair thing to have happen. Keeping these emotions in wont be healthy and wont help. Also another tip, you know those people who will turn it all around to be about them???? Walk away from them, hell run for the hills! I walked away from an extended family member the other day because they wanted my advice and help about a situation that would have put me in a very difficult position between two people. So I interrupted their story, and said, sorry to dash but... and made up some excuse and left. The old me would have tried to solve the problems of the world. The new me said Stuff you mate!
Keiley
Member
10 years ago
Thanks Brenda, there's so much here for me to take in right now, but it's all really helpful.

You're so right! Thank you again
Keiley
Member
10 years ago
Thanks Maryrose, it's so uplifting to read all these responses! I feel so different than I did this morning.
Keiley
Member
10 years ago
You're so right - I had to do this just this afternoon! Bite my tongue I mean. I struggled with the frustration for a bit, and then realised they were just being honest and vulnerable with me really. Next time I see them they will more than likely be completely different about it all.

I will need to be ready to put up some boundaries when it feels right. I know you're right.

I must say here I can't remember ever being more proud of my kids right now. They've grown into just beautiful, sensitive, compassionate young people. They've never had to be protective of me before, and suddenly they are fierce. My daughter is 20 and my son 17, both living with me, just the 3 of us. We have a lot to talk about, but one day at a time.

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telling people

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