Just over it all - need to sook before going to 1st Chemo alone
I guess more than anything I need to vent... not even vent - more like needing to say it so I can face it, make it real so that I can start getting on with my life.
1st Chemo scheduled for Monday and I had big plans for this week as wanted to have a nice few days before the next stage begins seeing that AC Chemo is supposed to be miserable, than comes radiation so going to be 4-5 months of feeling crap.
In addition to the Chemo I have several serious medical conditions so they pretty much expect me to react badly to Chemo hence I get admitted overnight for observation so knowing Monday is "The Day" and that I may not even get through it I really needed this week to be good. They all talk off me like I am going pretty much explode when that drip starts as we all know with my allergies it is pretty guaranteed my body will reject it and react badly amd they are kind of prepering to try keep me alive when it does happen.
Well - so much for planning... Work which finished on Wed was insanely crazy so even more tired and drained than needed to be. Had big plans for a relaxing Thursday plus going to the shops and having a massage or a bauty treatment which had to bail on as found out mum would be there (hiding BC from her until after Chemo is done) and she thinks I am work.
Had plans to go and spend a nice lunch with mum this Sunday and go for a walk arround the city this Sunday but she cancelled it. She has cancelled outings with me in the past but this one hurt as I really wanted a nice day with her knowing I may not be there after Monday.
Then went out for dinner with my husband and he behaved like a self centered self absorbed jerk that it ended up being that proverbial last straw that broke the camel's back ??
It was not even that he was being self absorbed and selfish and did not think to consider me but the jerk part was what got me - the part where I told him what he was doing and he decided to argue like a 3 yo and claim he was doing nothing wrong. It kind of got me... what got me was not him being an arse to not put me ahead of him that one evening but what got me was that he would choose to argue and debate at this time and that he wanted to go on arguing specific points forever as he was in a mood to argue.
I know maybe it seems petty but I expected him to put me first and be supportive regardless of him thinking he was right. I actually needed that part where he finally puts me 1st - tells me he is there for me. Then if I make it through Monday hebcan debate his 'big gesture'
I know some may think I am being just as immature here but after everything I cannot get past this. I do not want him there on Monday. It is too late for me to ask one my friends who know about my BC to take a day off work so I have to go it alone.
Knowing this may be my last day on this planet I realise I need to be alone. Monday and how I react has to be about me and I need all my strength and concentration if things start to go wrong like everyone is expecting them to so I can fight whatever my crazy body does and make it work and comply with what need to be injected into my vein and get through it and stay alive... And if I do lose and it does go pearshaped and it really ends up being the last day I think considering everything it is better I am alone. May sound weird but if I have to go at the time where I do have regrets about what I had done with my life and how I have allowed some things to linger it is better not to have them arround at that point in time.
I know that I am probably sounding melodramatic and I do apologise for being a sook and going on all doom and gloom and being a baby about my personal failure to straighten out out my life. Sounds stupid even to me as I type this that I am sooking about personal stupidity on a public forum.
But I had to get this out of my head so I can move on and I as majority of the people I know I cannot tell about BC so to keep it from my mum and the couple of them who do know would be crushed to know how miserable I am right now it is better I keep it from them.
The plan is make it through this. The plan is come Monday to make my body cooperate no matter what and if by some chance it does start to shut down to fight whatever the hell it does and get through it.
I had to get out of my system all these miserable self pittying thoughts so I can fight. There are a lot of things I will have to do - to change once on the other side of this thing I do have to live through but to make those changes I guess I have to live so going to have to go it alone this time so I make myself a priority and allow nothing and nobody to distract me from what is important.
Again I do apologise to everyone reading this for being all doom and gloom and for being a sook. I had to do it - I had to say it (see it in writing) to accept it. I had to deal with and embrace that I am alone in this but that it is OK because being alone will help me get the best possible outcome once that drip starts on Monday.
