Forum Discussion
Grateful, Trying to Stay Positive but Struggling
I think it's just the time of year, but I feel like I am really struggling, when in fact I think I should be happy. I'm on the home stretch with only 8 Rad sessions left. I have come through 2 surgeries and 5&1/2 months of chemo relatively well (except for no sleep! sleep sleep!). I even did my own hand and feet cold therapy for 12 weeks of taxol, which seems to have been successful, as I have no PN. While I try and stay positive and I am proud of how far I've come, mentally it's taken it's toll and now when I should be happy on the home stretch, I am finding I am having thoughts that are not helpful, like did the chemo get the floaters if they existed - I had 5 nodes positive, LVI and grade 3, so this scares me all the time, is the Rads working, should I have had a mastectomy instead of Lumpectomy. I know these are probably common thoughts, but I really just want to stop thinking these things. I've had a counsellor from the beginning and now I am on antidepressants, but this doesn't do anything for my anxiety. I have a wonderful husband who is so positive and great family support so I am really lucky, so I feel like I should not even be on here posting, but sometimes I just feel so alone and scared.
15 Replies
- @Rosie9740 thanks, @arpie Norfolk Island - what a prize, @Christabel03 thanks, yep it's too hard to navigate this alone, and it does help to know others understand thanks, one day at a time
- @Molly71 I was five nodes positive after surgery and chemo as well so I am well and truly with you all the way and understand how you are feeling xx You are not alone in your thoughts that's for sure. Someone did say to me to keep talking and I tend to agree, better to put it out there how you are feeling or when you are struggling than trying to navigate all this crap alone, sometimes it helps just to know that people do understand :) xx
- Congrats on finishing your active treatment, @Molly .... well done. Everything is still very fresh for you - so it is totally natural that you are still concerned & feeling anxious ..... listen to your Onc - they are doing their utmost to make sure that you've had the best treatment available ....
Re replying to others when they ask - I just say "So far, so good'' .... You can add there is NED (No Evidence of Disease) ... but this disease really does muck with your brain as much as your body.
After my active treatment finished, I went to Norfolk Island for a week as my 'prize' .... and it was terrific. I came back refreshed, renewed & looking forward, not backwards.
Don't forget to contact Otis Foundation and look at lining up your 'getaway' ....
Before covid, you could go interstate to the 'other' getaways - but I think now, you can only attend the ones in your own state. Luckily NSW has quite a few .... but it can be a few months or more before a vacancy may be available to you .... so get in touch with them sooner than later. You can take family and/or friends - and have a great getaway.
http://www.otisfoundation.org.au/directory
take care & all the best xx - Post away I say and don’t feel bad about it. That’s why it’s a community. This is an individual journey, and all the feelings we have are valid. Both the good and the bad. Great suggestions here on good focus points and new hobbies. Keep talking and give yourself to adjust. Best wishes on this new part of your journey !
- Thanks @Abbydog. I finished radiation last week and had my port removed yesterday and then I start tablets in a couple of weeks (I asked to start after my birthday on the 26th Jan!). My focus now is on trying to get my brain into gear and live life as much as I can without thinking about cancer all the time (right now it's so hard, but hoping it will at least get a bit better - if I slept better it would help!). My Oncologist said the same - you've had all the treatments so we assume everything is ok, until something tells us differently. I'm not sure what to say when people ask how I am, somedays it's easier just to say good, other days I feel crap, but don't want to go into it, so I just say - I'm getting there or to my friends I mostly tell the truth and if I'm struggling I say so. It's such a shit disease, I'm trying not to be angry anymore, but it's changed my life so much, maybe some is for the better.
- You have done so well.
That first year of treatment is such a whirlwind. It is all go, go, go.
It is not quite an anticlimax at the end, but such a change.
Reward your self, make plans, enjoy life as best you can.
For now I choose not to think about a return of cancer.
I've had all of my recommended treatments.
I'll deal with bad news if and when it comes.
People often ask me if I am OK now.
I'm not sure what the correct answer should be. - @arpie, @Fufan, @Rowey, thankyou all, sometimes you just need the words of others that have been here.
- Hi @Molly71. I sometimes feel quite guilty when I read some of the posts and what people are going through in their treatment. I had to have a mastectomy but turned out to be node negative so no rad or chemo, just anastrazole which I am handling without many of the side effects that some have. I have been told that I am officially a breast cancer survivor but every now and then the doubts creep in. I even ask why am I so fortunate when many have it so much harder.
I think it is the nature of the beast to have these kinds of thoughts at times, as long as we can keep them at bay and not let them overwhelm us. Sounds like you are already doing all the right things.
Be kind to yourself and very best wishes for your last 2 weeks and beyond - @Molly71 Don’t be ashamed of reaching out: look at the support you’ve received. We all feel down from time to time. You can do this!
- @Molly71 you betcha can do this! Wishing you a really great New Year and lots of happy times ahead. :)
