Am I normal?

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Grieving takes many forms and it the different feelings can just come up at unexpected times or not at all.
I wasn't angry I got breast  cancer.
I was angry I hadn't taken the time out for genetic testing as my job was so busy. But it turned out I wasn't positive anyway.
I was angry I stayed in a job that ruined my life for a time and gave me such awful stress and exhaustion I believed it gave me cancer. 
But honestly that was for about a week.
I never had the "why me" as I always thought I might get breast cancer. I wasn't surprised to find the lump. I had a clear idea what I wanted.
I was however devasted to have cancer. Frightened of dying and leaving my family and sad for the loss of my breasts and the flow on from that. I don't think I had denial either. I accept I might die of breast cancer. But I've made the decision to believe I'm cured until things prove otherwise. Worry just sucks the joy from life. 

I think we shouldn't over analyse. Just let the emotions roll. Acknowledge them and keep going. If you get stuck...that's when you need help I think to talk things through. 

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It seems you are indeed not weird or alone @Joannie! Like others I haven't been angry about my de novo met bc -I thought and feel why am I any different to anyone else who gets this news. After my first 8 months of treatment when the dust had settled a bit and the immediate issues were over I did hit a wall. My onc is not keen for me to travel overseas until I get a bit stable and while I am fine with that for now not feeling great at times and -getting to see parts of our great land I haven't seen.

I did find I was getting really p***d off with feeling like my normal possibilities were shrinking. In the past if I wanted to plan a trip I would sometime ahead. I had some really good sessions with the skilled counsellor BCNA offers by phone for free 5 sessions -thank you so much BCNA for that.

 My partner and I now plan trips but build in options and back out if we need them. Next year maybe I will get overseas but having met bc means I need to choose destinations with reciprocal health agreements or risk getting sick with no medical cover -not willing to do that. Sorry -that is all a bit long winded! I guess there are some things that make me very angry -like the state of our world but not having cancer even if it has meant a rethinking of my way of being in the world. I feel blessed to have a wonderful partner, family and close friends and access to high quality health care. Some days are really rubbish like today when I am exhausted after 7 days of Xeloda and my AI are making me ache like hell. But hey I now have 14 days break of Xeloda -there is often a blessing around the corner! Go well @Joannie

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I don’t think there is a normal or right way to deal with this either. It probably comes down to many factors (your nature, where you are at in life at the time, past experiences etc) as to how we each deal with it. I never felt anger just very lucky to have found it when I did.

I’m very much into conserving energy. Anger just seems like too much of a waste of energy. I have had moments where I have felt alone, where I have felt misunderstood and even hurt by the actions or lack of action from others. But I feel very fortunate to have had enough support from those closest to me to pull myself out of those moments fairly quickly. I can certainly understand that others might feel anger because of this disease and it’s effects on not only our own lives but the effects on those around us too. 

You are definitely not alone in your reactions and feelings @Joannie Take care. xxx

@joannie  Hi - Thanks for your post.  I'm in the same boat.  No anger, no denial - it is there - I know by the path reports and the scars from WLE x 2.  In fact I am quite calm, just waiting for the mastectomy and reconstruction.  I have packed a bag for hospital, filled the freezer with cooked food, cleaned the house.   I also thought I was a 'odd' no tears or meltdowns, only really got annoyed when I had to wait 2 hours for an appointment after a 4 hour drive.   Although I haven't had chemo or radiation, then that might be a different story.

In fact, other people are more worried than I am.  I have trouble dealing with their feelings rather than my own!  Anyhow,  take care.  J.

I don’t think you are strange. I also did not get angry or wonder why me. After my second round of chemo I thought about stopping, but I saw a psychologist who helped me cope and continue with treatment. Now, 5 years after treatment, I have developed lymphoedema. It’s a very annoying disorder to have. But my view is that I am lucky to be alive and I want to enjoy my life as it is for as long as possible. I hope you continue to feel ‘unangry’.