Hi I am 46 and diagnosed 2 weeks ago with invasive ductal carsonoma and DCIS on a routine mammogram. Met my surgeon on Friday and having surgery this Wednesday. He offered me a mastectomy but said I can expect just as good a result with wide local incision and radiation. I am normally the tuff cookie and I support others. Everyone comes to me with their problems or worries and I am very positive and proactive. BUT man am I struggling. I have not cried in front of my family. ( I sneak up at night and cry for hours) I hate people fussing over me and would sell a kidney before I would ask for help. Many advice for this control freak on letting people in?Thanks heaps

@Melc503 excellent delegation going on there--it's not the same as giving up control :)Fingers crossed for Friday. That wait can be a bastard, let your mum spoil you a bit (as long as she doesn't rearrange the cutlery draw. Mine can't help herself)

Hi @Melc503Welcome to the crumb factory. We get it.Difficult as it is, try not to get too far ahead of yourself just yet. One of the really irritating things about BC is the shifting goal posts. Your treatment will be tailored for you, so be prepared for some changes as your medical team learns more about your cancer. Things may be simpler or more complex than you were expecting. Sorry, that doesn't sound too encouraging, but it pays to take things one step at a time as the evidence is uncovered.You know, having cancer doesn't change your status on the independence scale. Many of us who have had to go through the whole performance, sometimes more than once, find you can get along with minimum assistance. You can feel like shit and still function, it's a wait and see situation. As before, you don't know until you get there. Generally people cope with cancer the same way they deal with any major upset in their lives; some immediately call everyone they know and circle the wagons, others put the blinkers on and some decide to plough on regardless.From one control freak to another, it isn't a bad idea to keep the information you give out to a minimum to start with. Having to answer 'I don't know' really burns and can lead to some unwelcome speculation from those who will want to equate your situation with their great aunt Maud, or the woman three doors down. Don't go there until you have to. Once you have a treatment plan really pinned down, it's much easier to resume your 'in control' attitude (on the outside) Good luck Mxx

Oh my goodness. I am so grateful for all the advice and support ladies. I certainly came to the right place. XX

@Melc503 What the other girls have said. Over and over. Allow your feelings. Put yourself first - every time Visits from young kids - no way. From another control freak - be aware of the difference between the need to relinquish control much of the time, and maintaining your alertness to when "processes" might be letting you fall through the cracks, or when you're not being given the answers you need; stay ready to step in and insist, or self-advocate. Trust your gut instinct. This network is a lifeline and a gold mine of information, tips and support. Lean on the people here.Fran x

Hang in there Mel. This stuff is frightening and frustrating in equal measure. By this stage a Multi Disciplinary Team --that includes med and rad oncs and your surgeon--should have had a look at you results and will have come to some conclusion about what happens next. Thing is, until you actually meet with the next round of specialists, should you need them, the information given to you is likely to be rather general. It pays to take each appointment and each set of results one at a time; surgeons are notorious for putting their two bobs worth in when it comes to what an oncologist should/will do and they are often wrong. False expectations are awful and I've personally wished they had all just stuck to their own area of expertise. Good luck. Mxx

This tuff cookie is crumbling | BCNA Online Network

32 Replies

Flaneuse
Member
7 years ago
@Melc503 What the other girls have said. Over and over. Allow your feelings. Put yourself first - every time Visits from young kids - no way. From another control freak - be aware of the difference between the need to relinquish control much of the time, and maintaining your alertness to when "processes" might be letting you fall through the cracks, or when you're not being given the answers you need; stay ready to step in and insist, or self-advocate. Trust your gut instinct.

This network is a lifeline and a gold mine of information, tips and support. Lean on the people here.

Fran x
kmakm
Member
7 years ago
It will be SO good to get this week done and behind you, I feel you! I'll be keeping my bits crossed for you on Thursday. K xox
Spillsy
Member
7 years ago
That’s a good tactic, I must use that one, otherwise I feel like that’s all I contribute, I hate the pity face!!! And the it will be ‘okay’ face.
I hate that any interaction with people is about cancer, or sucks being the ‘cancer’ friend. The best support we have had as a family is meals delivered from a wide circle of friends. If people offe to cook for me, I accept gladly, it’s helps us out as a family to enjoy a meal with out the prep, and clean up. Other help with lifts for kids, and errands.
I have more surgery next Thursday as BCS didn’t get the results, so also feel like the changing goal posts and timelines of this beast are out of my control, I trucked on through chemo with only a few wobbles, but the surgery change of plan has rocked me intensely.
Sometimes I can only talk to people who have had BC or are going through it, as we all know exactly the feelings it takes up!
Anyway, masectomy and lymph node clearance for me on Thursday(recon will be another decision for another time) then Rads. Then hopefully a bit of life back.
kmakm
Member
7 years ago
Oh yes, 'pity face', ghastly! I had a few friends, people I really like, who were unable to control their tears. I soon learned to cut them off at the pass. They didn't get past the front door until I felt stronger. Nothing like consoling people upset because you have cancer...

The other l tactic I used a lot was to say at the beginning of a gathering "five minutes on my health, ask any questions you like and then the subject is closed". That worked well. It made me feel almost normal crapping on with my mates for a couple of hours with no cancer talk! K xox
Melc503
Member
7 years ago
Thanks Gals
just spent 4 hours this morning having my bone scan done. I have lots of support. God love them I have actually asked for the weekend off.
I said I love you all but I want a cancer free weekend with my partner and kids and I will be back in touch next week.
I just am sick of them all looking at me and getting teary.
So more surgery Tuesday
Sister
Member
7 years ago
@Melc503 That absolutely sucks - I know because I've been there. You think that you're starting to get your head around things and it turns out that it's something else altogether. Try to keep to the here and now. You'll probably have some tough moments - let yourself have them.
arpie
Member
7 years ago
Bugger Bugger Bugger, @Melc503 :(

Deep Breaths .... have faith in your team .... try and rest up prior to the surgery.

I hope you have supportive family & friends around to you to lean on. If they offer support - like meals & stuff (or offer support - suggest meals etc) take it!

Whereabouts are you based (roughly) ..... try not to google anything too much - everyone's situation is different & it could raise your concerns more than necessary.

Take care & know that we are thinking of you xxx
kmakm
Member
7 years ago
Oh Mel, that just sucks, I'm so sorry. My tumour doubled in size too. It was measured at one size in the mammogram but turned out to be twice that once it was excised. It's quite common for this to occur. I had to go back for margins, and the re-excision turned up 4cm of previously unseen DCIS.

I know it's hard, there's just no way it couldn't be, but clarity is slowly emerging and then there'll be a plan. Breathe, try not to cross bridges until you come to them, and look no further ahead than an hour or two. Have you got good company around you for the weekend? Keep yourself distracted as best you can. We're here for you. Kate xox
Melc503
Member
7 years ago
Not good news today ladies. More surgery needed on Tuesday.
The tumor had doubled in size. And I still have cancer margins in my breast so going back to take more breast . Also have it in my nodes so he is taking ALL my under arm nodes.
Will be in hospital about a week.
Hopefully he gets it all this time.
Also sending me for CT scans of the head, chest liver and abdomen to see if it has spread there and a bone scan to see if I have any in my bones.

I will admit it was a hard day and i am still trying to process it all.
Zoffiel
Member
7 years ago
Hang in there Mel. This stuff is frightening and frustrating in equal measure. By this stage a Multi Disciplinary Team --that includes med and rad oncs and your surgeon--should have had a look at you results and will have come to some conclusion about what happens next.
Thing is, until you actually meet with the next round of specialists, should you need them, the information given to you is likely to be rather general. It pays to take each appointment and each set of results one at a time; surgeons are notorious for putting their two bobs worth in when it comes to what an oncologist should/will do and they are often wrong. False expectations are awful and I've personally wished they had all just stuck to their own area of expertise. Good luck. Mxx