Out of control and in shock
Where do I start? I recently changed GPs and was working on a general health check you know the one do these tests everything will be fine no drama - always has been. Trot off for a mammogram and the...
Forum Discussion
Hi Sarnicad. I had the same concerns. I have 18 doing VCE, 15, 12 and 10. The youngest two are my niece & nephew who I'm raising as their mother, my sister, died from breast cancer two years ago.
I tried to stay as calm as possible in front of them; I cracked jokes and got cross as normal. It was as low key as I could make it. No matter how fatigued or crappy I felt I could still say "have you done your homework", "stop teasing your sister" etc.
I can't remember who it was but someone here said don't underestimate your kids. They were right. When the chips were down, my 18yo son and 15yo daughter rose to the occasion and were magnificent. In between they were pretty normal.
I'd advise being as open as possible with them about your treatment. They may not ask questions, and it's easy for us to get wrapped up in our own heads about it all. So tell the kids something like "I'm going to have a chemo that's going to make me feel rubbish for one week, average for the next and then reasonably OK for the third". That way they'll know broadly what to expect. Lead with the good news that there's no spread, that breast cancer is pretty well understood and that with their help you'll all get through. A family is a unit and this is a time when it's good for the unit to work together.
It will soon become obvious when you're not up to cooking and doing the laundry etc. If they don't know how to use the washing machine, write some instructions and stick them next to the machine. Fill your freezer with labelled food and they'll soon work out how to defrost & reheat.
And then when you say no to something, because you can't, because you're choosing to stay in bed, or go out for a facial, because you're putting yourself first, they won't fall in a heap.
My husband has been incredibly supportive and he rallied the kids on numerous occasions, kept things on as even a keel as possible while I wasn't on deck and didn't let them get away with murder.
I think it's good for kids to see their mums put themselves first every now and then. It's one thing when they're babies but it's quite different when they're older. How you conduct yourself through this time will have an impact on them all their lives. It's OK for them to see you hurting, it can build empathy, care and consideration. It will potentially make them more caring people.
You can offer them some of the many services available to kids impacted by cancer. There's a list in the My Journey kit, and schools have counsellors available. None of my kids were keen but I did raise it with them several times and the youngest decided to chat to her school counsellor on a weekly basis which continues to this day.
Lots of people will offer to help once the word gets out. I found it useful on the days when I was pretty much bedridden (of which there weren't too many) to have a girlfriend that the kids were used to seeing about the place, drop in and keep things ticking over for an hour or two. Not the hand wringing woe is you types, but the cheerful ones who can crack jokes and tease the kids a bit because they know them well.
This is all very long winded, sorry! Look, it is what it is. You have to get treated and while there's no way to make it 'normal', your attitude in front of your kids will set the tone.
You can do it, I promise, and you'll all get through it. Please don't hesitate to lean on us here. We'll help as much as we can. Kate xox
PS Your oncologist sounds amazing! Organising all those allied health services for you! I had to push and push to get recommendations and make all my own appointments. That trio will be a godsend in the months to come.
I tried to stay as calm as possible in front of them; I cracked jokes and got cross as normal. It was as low key as I could make it. No matter how fatigued or crappy I felt I could still say "have you done your homework", "stop teasing your sister" etc.
I can't remember who it was but someone here said don't underestimate your kids. They were right. When the chips were down, my 18yo son and 15yo daughter rose to the occasion and were magnificent. In between they were pretty normal.
I'd advise being as open as possible with them about your treatment. They may not ask questions, and it's easy for us to get wrapped up in our own heads about it all. So tell the kids something like "I'm going to have a chemo that's going to make me feel rubbish for one week, average for the next and then reasonably OK for the third". That way they'll know broadly what to expect. Lead with the good news that there's no spread, that breast cancer is pretty well understood and that with their help you'll all get through. A family is a unit and this is a time when it's good for the unit to work together.
It will soon become obvious when you're not up to cooking and doing the laundry etc. If they don't know how to use the washing machine, write some instructions and stick them next to the machine. Fill your freezer with labelled food and they'll soon work out how to defrost & reheat.
And then when you say no to something, because you can't, because you're choosing to stay in bed, or go out for a facial, because you're putting yourself first, they won't fall in a heap.
My husband has been incredibly supportive and he rallied the kids on numerous occasions, kept things on as even a keel as possible while I wasn't on deck and didn't let them get away with murder.
I think it's good for kids to see their mums put themselves first every now and then. It's one thing when they're babies but it's quite different when they're older. How you conduct yourself through this time will have an impact on them all their lives. It's OK for them to see you hurting, it can build empathy, care and consideration. It will potentially make them more caring people.
You can offer them some of the many services available to kids impacted by cancer. There's a list in the My Journey kit, and schools have counsellors available. None of my kids were keen but I did raise it with them several times and the youngest decided to chat to her school counsellor on a weekly basis which continues to this day.
Lots of people will offer to help once the word gets out. I found it useful on the days when I was pretty much bedridden (of which there weren't too many) to have a girlfriend that the kids were used to seeing about the place, drop in and keep things ticking over for an hour or two. Not the hand wringing woe is you types, but the cheerful ones who can crack jokes and tease the kids a bit because they know them well.
This is all very long winded, sorry! Look, it is what it is. You have to get treated and while there's no way to make it 'normal', your attitude in front of your kids will set the tone.
You can do it, I promise, and you'll all get through it. Please don't hesitate to lean on us here. We'll help as much as we can. Kate xox
PS Your oncologist sounds amazing! Organising all those allied health services for you! I had to push and push to get recommendations and make all my own appointments. That trio will be a godsend in the months to come.