Now the waiting

@Jen029 I with u there 
Thanks for all the support ladies

@kezmusc It beggars belief how rubbish some of them are at it...

@Sweetpetal,

It does start to feel a bit that way with all the poking, prodding and scanning.  You feel like every man and his dog has seen your boobs and bits. Tears are par for the course along the way I'm afraid. My "totally losing it episode" was after the initial oncology appointment.  I walked out of the office and promptly collapsed on the floor in tears in front of everyone waiting for their appointment.  They very quickly ushered me into another office so as not to scare anyone I think.

Number one is the hardest because of the unknown.  I don't think I spoke a word to anyone the morning of chemo 1 and could hardly fill out my forms at the desk I was shaking that much. I  kind of just followed instructions like some kind of zoned out zombie until the cold cap got turned on.  That sure woke me up lol.

It will get better as you start to work out the routine of things.  For me the afternoon of chemo was spent on the couch.  Day 2 and 3 were awesome with a huge burst of energy from the steroids.  Crash day was day four and then better until the next one.  It depends on the drug as well.  I found the AC (not sure what chemo you are having) was cumulative and round 4 took the longest to recover from. 

All the best lovely.  We'll be thinking of you.

@kmakm.  What an asshole.  "How to not be an insensitive jerk" should be part of med school. Sounds like my first oncolgist, what a cow.  Glad I got rid of her. 

Hi @Sweetpetal I'm also starting chemo on Wednesday, although the last few weeks have been very stressful with lots of appointments etc I now feel like I'm in limbo waiting for what is coming next.

I caused quite the scene at my first chemo. Left alone in a room with the cold cap on and going for hour before the chemo started. Burst into noisy uncontrollable heaving sobs. My hands were over my face and the machine was loud. I was in the far bed in a two bed room (no one else in the other bed) so I thought no one would hear. Too many BC traumatised kids at home to cry there. I suddenly heard a voice. I took my hands of my face to see a very old woman in a hosital gown shuffling towards me on a walking frame and a crowd of people gathered round the door all staring in. "Are you all right dear?" "Yes. No. Yes" followed by bitter weeping laughter (mine). The nurse was fetched and the crowd dispersed. She held my hand and told me to cry as much as I like, that I was in a safe space. I cried for an hour! They're used to it.

As my dear grandmother-in-law used to say, better out than your elbow!

I also cried all the way through my CT scan. But that was just after the PS had told me I'd have to have implants (which I didn't want and in the end didn't have), that I was destined to put back on all the weight I'd lost (not yet I haven't), that I wouldn't be able to lose enough to get into the BMI safety zone before my operation (I did), and that I'd never look good naked (see my husband!). There aren't the words in my vocabulary for that man...

Portacath. Torture chamber for me. Most people find it not an issue. I feel for you, BIG time. I felt lost between the end of my testing and the start of treatment. Not long to go for you now. Go to your favourite eating place this weekend to treat yourself just in case you don't feel like it later.

The losing it bit can happen sometimes.  Don't let it bother you - I think the health professionals are used to it.

Thinking of you  <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3