Newly Diagnosed

So back to hospital today or clinic.  Dressing they put on Fri didn't do much and more breakdown.  Back to 2 pico pumps and these stay on for 7 days but for how long well it could be months.  Now they are saying that I could be alergic to the sutures that were used in the surgery as they keep moving to the surface and they remove them as they come to the surface.  I am so frustrated with this as I am not sick in any way and have no infection as they keep swabbing for that and nothing is growing (1 good thing I suppose).  Just don't want to still be in this same spot 12 months from now financially and mentally don't think I am strong enough.  Go back in 7 days to have the pico pumps changed.  Surely I am not the only person that has the problem.  One wonders daily about the knowledge of some daily .......

@SamJgS unfortunately everyone around you expects the minute you finish that you are back to 'normal' I know it was that way for me I'm 2.5yrs post chemo now and its been a long hard road to recovery,believe me! What you are experiencing is so incredibly normal and dont let anyone tell you it's not or you need to be positive or grateful, it's so WRONG! because unless theyve physically gone through it they cannot understand the complexity of it, physically,mentally and emotionally. It's like grieving you will heal in your OWN TIME! all I can say is put YOU above everyone else and nurture you to the road of recovery, you absolutely will get there. Hugs Melinda xo

The pressure to feel positive and move forward is very real. I finished chemo nearly three weeks ago and start radiation in a week.  Feel very lost in the pressure to feel 'positive and grateful'.  Some days I am good, some days I am not so good and some days I am both good and bad!  I swing through panic, sweats, sadness and a weird sort of numbness.  It is overwhelming to process. I loved your comments SoldierCrab and it is comforting that you still have moments of crying. I feel I cry 'too much' but there is actually no rules.  It is very much like processing through PTSD.

Hello @kmakm
I have sent you a private message

its taken at while for me to feel ok in myself..... I used to wake after I have finished treatments in tears having woken up my kids(teens) with crying in my sleep I then began seeing a psychologist who said I had PTSD from my treatments. 

Now if I get very tired (note 5yrs later) I still will be crying in my sleep with no nightmares just crying...  I accept these days that means I am struggling with processing this emotionally and that is a massive thing for us to go through. 

Hugs 
Soldiercrab

Hi @shann. I am almost three months in to this horror, and the pressure to be the 'good patient' is palpable.

My sister died from this bloody disease 20 months ago and I'm raising her two kids along with my two. My 85yo father-in-law moved in with us after his daughter died from a brain tumour in 2015. My husband works 60 hour weeks, 2 - 4 days a week of which is interstate. I have tremendous help and support from friends but the pressure on me to maintain a positive face to everyone is intense and immense. I cry when I'm on my own all the time.

I try not to lay my sadness on my clinicians but it's hard and I don't always succeed. I feel like i have had all my choices taken away from me, and feel dismantled inside by the never ending blows. I DREAD the 'new normal' and am quailing at the mountain in front of me.

It turns out the only place I can really let loose with my tears is at chemotherapy. One hour of sobbing the first dose, twenty minutes the second. The lovely NUM at the first dose said I was in a safe place and could cry all day if I needed to.

I'm seeing a psychologist (community funded and so costs very little) and she is helping I think. She did the depression, anxiety and stress test on me. It said I was severely depressed, moderately anxious and severely stressed. No shit Sherlock... Currently mulling over the concept of anti-depressants.

A very good friend conducted the study that proved that being positive has zero effect on cancer outcomes.

Get help for the negativity if want/can. But don't let anyone tell you that what you are feeling is wrong or bad. Your feelings are YOUR feelings, no one else's and are in no way wrong. I am no expert but my psych tells me that one in three women with breast cancer get depressed, and that everything I am feeling is bog standard normal. Yes, in addition to everything else I am a cliché!

Hang in there.

Chemo 3 tomorrow. Will there be tears?! Probably...

Best wishes, you are showing remarkable fortitude. One of the things you can't prepare for is when you get blindsided by something no-one really expected! Here's hoping it all heals sooner rather than later.

Dear @shann, I don't call your post a vent - I call it a very restrained summary of where you are up to! Best wishes from jennyss in Western NSW

Hi all,
So back to the clinic this morning, which has resulted in wound break down again (which I new was happening) So just a change in dressings to see if things improve.  I am probably looking at least 12 months before I can even look at getting back to any employment.  They say I still have to have chemo because of the type of chemo but not until I heal which according to the wound technician/consultant is going to take a long drawn out time.  No driving, no house work or anything just rest they say.  They must realise how useless I feel not being able to do the most basic things in life, my big one all I want to do is stand under the shower and wash my own hair and just enjoy it.  Thanks for letting me vent.  Love to all. xx

Hi @Romla -  @SoldierCrab has moved it and I've now deleted the comments here