Hello I have two kids girl aged 9 and boy aged 5. I was diagnosed 2nd December and will start Chemo on the 3rd Jan. I’m just trying to work out how to balance family, chemo and work. It is hard because I have no family near by. I’m a very independent person and need space I don’t know how I’m going to cope with relatives insisting they want to come and stay.. I feel they will create more work then they will help (this happened when my babies were newborn. Before Christmas I was thinking wow this cancer is a bit 💩 I’m going to have a tricky, tiring, challenging journey but I’ll get through this,however by Boxing Day I was a mess. Everyone had there own agenda on how they were going to come and “rescue me” and I had to accept because it would it would make them feel better. My partner and I have already set up a group In FB for family and friends here I could put out requests for help when I needed them. I feel like I’m coming across as ungrateful but I am just avoiding having to be an emotional support person for people who are feeling bad about my diagnosis.Any suggestions? Also any recommendations on what to take to my first Chemo session.

Thanks @suburbangirl @Zoffiel @TonyaM @kmakm @ddon @Afraser for your comments. I don’t have anyone to talk to who gets this. Im a fairly pragmatic person and keep a cool head. Aside from one appointment where my partner came along I’ve just been doing this alone. My son has special needs and has been in and out of hospital and seen a truck load of specialists, so I’m used to doing my research and asking questions.

Hi @Canberramum,Everybody is different in the way they handle this. As the ladies have said this is your gig and your rules. Personally, I made the mistake of taking a family member to my first two appointments. They cried so that never happened again. I took my hubby to my first chemo session. He looked sad, so I sent him home. I took my BCN if I felt I needed an extra set of ears and help to explain the lingo. Dealing with other peoples emotions was far more difficult than controlling mine. Some of us are stronger on our own, some are not. Choose what's best for you lovely.xoxoxo

Cancer first (cause ignoring it is fatal) kids/partner second (they are tougher than you think) work third (if you can do it. If not, check your income insurance) Rellies who want it to be all about them, who make a mess, get in the way, take control of shit best left alone or reorganise your kitchen cupboards? Tell them to bugger off. Nicely at first, then more firmly then threaten them with garden tools.If they want to help, money to hire a cleaner or someone to do the laundry would be helpful if that's the sort of thing that appeals to you. Taking the kids off your hands--under your terms-- during school holidays could be an idea. Anything that makes you uncomfortable is an absolute no go. Turn off your phone when you get home or turn it to silent and tell them not to ring you 'just to check up.' Which they are likely to do. At 9:30 pm. Gargh.Don't let anyone needy or overly anxious anywhere near the oncology ward. Personally, the idea of anyone being in there fussing over me was enough to induce a panic attack. The staff know what they are doing and it's one of the few hospital situations where you have their undivided attention.You will handle this the same way you have learned to deal with any other crisis, so set up support systems that suit you. Well done getting ahead of the game with the FB group. Hold your ground, ultimately this is all about you. It has to be. MXX

Hi @Canberramum I totally agree with @Zoffiel !!Last night I tried to write something, but now today see this is what I wanted to say! I have a distant relationship with my immediate family (parents and sister) but all of a sudden they wanted to come to appointments and I knew it would be all about them; they would 'take over', despite me being confident and outgoing, not to mention my knowledge working as a registered nurse. After days of anxiety, imagining them in the consult room, I had to put my big girl pants on and ring to say, sorry you cannot come. I always rang or emailed with updates after every appointment though. I had one of my daughters and a good, sensible friend come with me to first / important appts, then went on my own. Honestly, this is one time it truly is all about you. Don't let any 'do gooders' do, or sway you, otherwise! Your feelings, your mood, your body, your energy levels, your anxiety, your fear, your husband and children, your moving forward etc etc.Good luck and feel free to vent or write on here anytime- this is a safe place!xx

We are all different and I took time off work whilst having chemo and I’m glad I did. I was so ill from it and even ended up in hospital.Depending on where you work,you need to be mindful of germs as you’ll be more susceptible. This can also double up as a good excuse for unwanted visitors! My husband acted as the door/phone screener and he did a good job.Thank people for their offers but you call the shots as to if and when you need their help.

New balancing act | BCNA Online Network

12 Replies

ddon
Member
6 years ago
This is such a difficult time and I understand your need for independence and dislike of people coming to stay and invading your space. I am like that but I have to say that I had realised I need help through this because chemo can make it near impossible to get through alone when you have kids. I have only had one session - and I know everyone is different - but my strong independent self went out the window and I have been so grateful for some help. This is no walk in the park and it will make you pretty tired at best so just to have someone to call on is wonderful. Xx
Afraser
Member
6 years ago
Dear@Canberramum

While everyone means well and obviously you have a loving and supportive group of family and friends, something like this can really seperate the support team (those who will do anything you want) from the rest (those who know best!!). If there was ever a time to be ‘selfish’ and do things the way you want them to be, a bc diagnosis is it.

That said, most people have no way of knowing how they will react to chemo before they start. So bridge burning is maybe a bit premature. I worked full time throughout chemo (no small children to care for though). I had no nausea and no fatigue, the most common side effects. Others get severe side effects and most fall somewhere in between, with some bad days and some good. So having more than one plan may be useful. You and your partner need to talk about how to manage the first few weeks, when a pattern for how you feel will develop. Same for work.

I agree that having house guests at this time can be an added burden. I wanted time to get my own pattern established when I had a child too (before even much loved parents descended on the scene!) but depending on circumstances, some additional help, at least for a while, may be very useful.

For your first chemo session, take an unflappable friend. I solo-ed all my sessions bar the first, happier on my own but first time round it’s useful to have someone with you, who will take you home, bring you a drink, chat, whatever you need. Some people read through treatment, listen to music, lots bring family and supporters, others prefer to have quiet time alone. Once you know how you react, you can adapt. Some take lots of snacks, drinks etc, but I found I was quite happy with a book (I usually am!) and doing emails. Tea or coffee, and a sandwich, was provided.

It’s a lot to face at first, but you’ll get there. Others in the network with young children can advise too, I am sure. Best wishes.

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