My mum is just not coping with my diagnosis

Hi Nadine,

I didn't realise how incapacitated your mother was, what an extra burden on you when you need to concentrate on treatment and getting well. You seem like the carer in the family, I am sending you a hug. What can she do? sew or knitting was a great idea from Iserbrown. I was thinking at our local cancer council a wonderful lady makes light little caps to wear under wigs. Simple to make but very necessary and the CC make a little bit of money from the sale.

What I need help with is remembering, no short term memory at all, I even forget to check my list of things to remember! Mum's job is to remind me, especially with my medications.

And to think I usually run a business.

All the best, remember to laugh sometimes.

Kim 

Hi Nadine

Does your Mum hand knit?

There is an organisation called Knitted Knockers Australia - perhaps she become a knitter for them - it would give her a sense of purpose as well as

https://www.facebook.com/knittedknockersaustralia

Hi Kim

Your mum sounds like a real trooper!!

That's a great suggestion. I am going to think of something my mum can do so she feels needed - after all that's what she needs right now. Unfortunately, she is quite incapacitated - barely walks, cannot get up out of a chair without assistance, can no longer cook or make a cup of tea, and she has never driven a car. I think this makes things worse because she is very housebound, has too much time on her hands and she starts thinking - which turns into thinking about the worst things that can happen. Mum is the brains while dad (who has dementia) is the legs.  But I really like your suggestion and I am going to put my mind to finding an activity which she can do which might occupy her. If you have any suggestions let me know!!!

Thanx for your reply, Nadine

Hi Nadine,

you have received a great response from your story it touches a cord with us all. I was very worried how my mum would take my diagnoses, she is also 72 and puts on the poor old woman persona a lot. But she is made of strong stuff! After the intial shock, I gave her good info to read which worried her more but knowledge is power. She has moved in when I have chemo than goes home for a rest week. So she copes and helps me cope by looking after the family. I wear her out! And she is great when everyone is at work we watch a lot of day time TV together and save the world, plan trips, any thing to divert me, makes the time pass quickly. Maybe you just need to put your mum to work. Everyone needs cake and casseroles.

all the best

Kim

HI Brenda

I think your mum will understand if you ask her to hold off from seeing you after your op on 16 Nov. Since my mum went to the support group she is better. She's also started a journal which another bcna member recommended, which I think is going to be good for her.

Here I am wishing my mother wouldn't worry about me when last night I was texting my adult son at 3.45 am asking where he was and whether he was safe!!! ARRRGGGHH  It's tough being a mum, so I am learning to cut my own mum some slack - amy not always get it right but if she tries and I try we just might get there.

Good luck for 16 Nov!!!

We're nearly the same day surgery Nadine, mine is on the 16th of November. I have opted for the mastectomy as my personal choice. Yeah mums. One part of me likes the attention but the other part wants to say get a grip mum!

Arriving in her car straight behind ours just as hubby and I get home from every appointment, tired from stress and not having even put the groceries away yet (shopping is sort of therapy that we survived each appointment), is doing my head in.

The tears and almost collapsing with her grief is also pretty hard to handle. Flaming heck mum its me with the bc, where's your strength woman? I never say anything but boy would I like to sometimes.

Phone call is fine. I can handle that and we can talk about all sorts of different things for ages and it helps me to take my mind off things. Maybe I should tell her how helpful that aspect is?

I don't know if its true or not but mum said a friend of hers was not allowed to see her for 10 days after the operation. Her husband said risk of infection or catching a cold from someone would be bad so mum stayed away for 10 days.

Since she cried over the phone today that I had gotten my foot long hair cut short I don't think I want to see her for 10 days after the op. She will have time to come to terms with the fact I am going to live and I might not feel so down by then either. Its a thought. :)

 

Thanks everyone for the advice

My mum tracked down a support group near her that is available for mothers of daughters with breast cancer. This is really good. I know she wasn't happy with my decision to have a partial rather than full mastectomy but she will now be able to talk to this group about her feelings about that. I appreciate all the different perspectives you offered as well as the advice. It helps a lot.

Surgery now on 12 November. 

All the best, Nadine

Hi Nadine. When i was first diagnosed i had to set my mother in law straight. She was treating me like i was sick all the time and being negative   To her generation the big c means death. She would cry around me and my daughter all the time. I basically told her she had get a grip of herself. I am strong and she needed to be too.  Maybe have a chat to your mum and explain how she makes you feel.

Maryrose 

 

Hi Nadine  Does she have anything to do with disability services as a carer?  My daughter is disabled, now lives with another disabled young man.  She has a mild mental retardation.  I have allways been there for her and was very worried about my cancer diagnosis and treatment.  I rang her local area coordinator and had a talk to her.  It was great my daughter could get counselling, did get a "friend" visiting her weekly, the coordinator kept in contact and visited even more often.  Turned out that I didn't need to worry, shes like a teenager, life only concerns her.  All I got was a "great, now I could get BC too" and off she went to annoy her GP to discuss getting herself checked!!!  Gotta love her.

My mother is 91.  She sounds a bit like your mother - the guilt of not being there for her daughter, not being able to help was consuming her. Shes in the country so twice she hassled my brother to bring her down to have lunch with me, but shes 91, she wants to go home after -so a 5hr trip for her and another couple of hours for my brother.  She did settle down quickly - and I rang constantly to give her slightly watered down updates from treatment.  The worse day was when they had hercepton on the news (June/July last year).  I had told her exaggerated figures as to my risk %, and this news report was saying that it only helped even less woman than I was told.  My phone bill went up, but she did settle down.  

And god sorry I've been raving.  But see if disability services can help.  If they are not registered her doctor should be able to do it.  There are a lot of services available for carers.

Pam

Hi Nadine,

I try and remember what a huge shock it is, and how everyone deals with the news differently.  If someone already has certain behaviours then it is unlikely that they will change.  You want to keep your Mum in your life so you might have to find a way to cope with her negativity.  

You have acknowledged that your Mum feels helpless.  I think sometimes it can be harder for partners and loved ones because they don't know what to do.  I try to involve the negative people in my life in my care.  I ask for help - it works sometimes:)  I accept offers of help- my Mum (in her 70's as well) comes to some appointments with me and has surprised me with her composure and level headedness.   Sometimes just asking for a hug can diffuse a tense situation for me and my Mum.  The people around us might not always behave as we would like them to but if we want to keep them close (and not distress ourselves too much) then we have to develop strategies to accept them as they are.  Would you feel comfortable working on strategies with a psychologist?  Your GP can create a Mental Health Plan that gives you a Medicare rebate for up to 10 sessions with a psychologist. Best of luck with this one.