My mum is just not coping with my diagnosis

Hi Nadi

I feel for you.  Your diagnosis, your journey, dealing with your Mum, your Dad and your children.  As if not dealing with Breast Cancer and all that goes along with it ISN'T enough for one person to handle.
I was diagnosed May 2015, had surgery, 4 more chemo left and then Herceptin for 9 more months.  I don't have living parents to worry about, i don't have children to console, even friends who have been helpful have got on with their lives.    BUT what i wanted to say was that all the replies seem thoughtful and a good idea to try.  Especially Sues comment.  

MY SUGGESTION
Your Mum at 72 may like to write things down.  I have for many years had a journal, and i find it helps SO MUCH to write it down; thoughts, feelings, happenings.  Your Mum could write down in a book as if writing a letter to you, and in time you may read it.  I am sure this would help her.   Your poor Mum sounds like she has been overwhelmed with life, and terrible things happening around her, especially where she has Little OR NO control over.   I hope this idea helps in some small way.  And good luck to you.  In the end it is YOUR JOURNEY and YOU are the one who has to face it.    

gg

Gee this is a hard one for me to read because I am the mum !!!

My daughter lives with me and I do go to every appointment with her the thought of her having to call me with the news would devastate me, I was devastated when she got the news.

I felt useless because I couldn't fix this with a cuddle or a bandaid like I have always done this was out of my hands, I cried a lot because I was scared and worried I was going to loose my daughter, just like your mum would naturally be, you are her baby doesn't matter how old you are! 

So yes I read everything I could and some I shouldn't have (I have stopped that now lol )  There has to be something I could do? but I couldn't That made me stress and worry more ugggg I had so many unanswered questions,  I tried to put on my cheery face every day (everyone kept telling me to think positive thoughts mmm ) some days you just cant.

I looked for a support group for mothers of daughters with BC sadly there is not one in Aus and the ones os have not been talked on in a few years. I needed support, I needed answers, I need to tell someone how I was feeling and not one to that say something stupid things to me "like you should feel lucky its her not you" gggrrr I wanted to hit them. 

So I decided to post on here even though I felt it was just for ladies diagnosed with  bc  (they could only delete my post if I wasn't allowed) and the lovely ladies have made me feel welcome and supported, I feel I can now see the light at the end of a foggy scary tunnel.

Maybe get your mum to post on here she cant get her feelings out (she will have a lot!! even ones she is not telling you ) and we all can help her feel better. 

So anyway my long winded story is to say remember you are your mums baby and we will always stress over our children.(even when told not to ) it's our job....... (and most of you are mums so you know the feeling about your own children) 

Cheers Sue xxx

I don't know if I can offer any advise.

My parents live in the UK - I was diagnosed the 27 July and my mother turned 90 on 6 August- my greatest concern was how to tell them (Dad has manic depression), thankfully my brother (who lives in France) was going over to visit them for Mums birthday and he told them a couple of days after her birthday and then rang me in Australia so I could  reassure them??

Since then I have to keep reassuring them all is well - I have had a mastectomy and I'm in my third week of 8 weeks of radiotherapy -my brother has shared with me that Dad is dwelling on the diagnosis mainly because of his depression  but I keep sending photos to show I am OK??

At their age and  being so far away it is all I can do??

Jan

Hi Nadi,

My Mum is about the same age and was an absolute horror with her anxiety over my diagnosis and treatment.   I had to keep reminding myself its because she cares but seriously, dealing with her was worse than dealing with the cancer!  She fought with me over everything, right down to what pyjamas I should wear in the hospital.

Eventually she made some friends in the radiation waiting room and settled down.  Do you think your Mum would join a support group so that she can talk about her feelings with people other than you? That gives you some space and her an outlet for her worries, and she will be able to see things from other perspectives.

cheers

Mira

Hi Nadi - I can relate to your dilemma.

When I was diagnosed at Breastscreen Victoria the Counsellor had explained to both my husband and I about dealing with the diagnosis and the positive and negative people and how to calm yourself when you start to feel overwhelmed.

I had a girlfriend hound me about whether I was going to the right surgeon and was totally obsessed by my diagnosis; I found myself saying what do you want me to do get the yellow pages out? 

My Mum passed away 7 years ago from lung and bladder cancer.  We were team family; always accompanied Dad to all appointments with Mum and hospital visits. My Dad took on the mantle of worry wart, wanting to come to all appointments and visit constantly at hospital.  I have never mentioned Oncology to him as I know that will send him over the edge with the worrying.  I had to say no this is a very personal journey and I need space.  He wasn't happy initially but I got my sisters to speak with him and settle him down. 

When I woke from surgery and returned to the ward I asked for the phone to ring my husband and then I rang my Dad. 

Once I had got through a couple of days in hospital I was happy for him to come and visit.  He was content then as he could see I was fine and being well looked after. 

I guess I haven't offered any real advice but shared my story to let you know it is the overwhelming love of our parents that sometimes gets in the way of trying to cope.

Take care and I wish you all the positive thoughts I can as you head off on this journey.

Christine xx