I feel like a fraud...
I was diagnosed on Friday with an Invasive Ductal Carcinoma in my right breast. I am in shock. It is small and they have found it early which is all positive. But why do I feel so bad and scared. I f...
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Dear Jacqui
I'm new to this forum and found your post very true to my own experience. I was diagnosed with invasive ductal cancer in September 2015, one week after my mothers' funeral. I was a wreck. I've now been through surgery (clear margins and lymph nodes) in early Dec, and am having my 4th (and final) round of chemo on monday 21 march. Then I start radio, to be followed by hormone blockers. I was in denial for a long time and thought the surgery would 'do the trick' and it would all be fine. I didn't think I'd have chemo (though I accepted I've have radio, but after seeing the medical oncologist in Jan, I was in for chemo three days later). I too have existing chronic depression and BC hasn't helped! I didn't want BC to define who I was, but it has/is changing who I am and how I see the world. That's OK, but it's taken a while to get used to. I also sink into massive depressive episodes after each chemo treatment - am convinced it's another side effect of the chemo drugs hammering my system so can deal with this a bit better now.
My husband is great, but was convinced my test results were mixed up with someone elses right up to the day of actual surgery. He's supportive, but I don't think anyone who hasn't had cancer understand quite what it does to you.
One thing which has really helped me to get through the last 6 months has been a weekly planner - I add in all appointments (medical and otherwise) and tick them off when I've 'achieved' them. I also mark off every single day on a calendar on the fridge so I can see the progress I am making.
I struggled telling other people about my BC - but was so much happier after I had. The most surprising people offer support. I have a wonderful neighbour whose partner has just finished chemo who keeps supplying me with chocolate. I'm now planning on returning to work for a few days a week so I can start getting back into that other world again. This is scary too!
I'm still preoccupied with BC at times, scared witless and paralysed with grief at others - but know I am moving forward with each day as well.
I wish I had found this forum earlier - it's really great to read other's posts.
take care XX