feeling super sad and crying all the time

Sorry correction to the above.... My cancer was Hormone positive oestrogen and progesterone... 

HI Byrnes,
Your reaction is perfectly normal....if there is a 'normal' in this whole experience.....I am glad you have realised your fears are effecting your day to day life and are seeking help.....many time I have slipped into the abyss.....but I have managed to get grip and pull myself out again......we are always teetering on the edge of that abyss Byrnes......What you do in regards to yoour treatment is of course, your choice....but I will share mine with you....I too was diagnosed with HER positive grade 2 Stage 3 ....positive nodes so auxillary clearance was done at the time of lumpectomy....my tumor was 70mm!.......Started chemo FEC-D two weeks after surgery, had six rounds, 21 days apart.....had a 3 week break then had bi lateral mastectomy with expanders.....I am currently waiting to hear when i start radiotherapy.......I have also started hormone blocking treatment (Tamoxifen)......

Now chemo, for me, was the absolute pits! I got every side effect possible....they hit me hard and the drs kept reminding me of that!....it was the hardest thing i've ever done in my life and many a night, and day, I cried, screamed and jumped up and down wondering what the hell i was doing to myself! I too wanted to quit......But with the encouragement of my family and friends and my medical team, and the sheer determination that this bitch was NOT going to kill me! I soldiered on......My surgery went well and it really wasn't as bad as I had prepared myself for it to be...the expansions were more painful......I am now fully expanded and am prepared for radiation to start...I will have 25 sessions of radiotherapy.....then I will get a well deserved break until February 2017 then i will schedule my implant transfer and the whole healing process begins again! I still wonder why the hell i am doing this! I am doing this because it's the best possible way to ensure that I will never be bothered by this bitch again! So i have to try! 

This experience has shown me that I am way stronger and resillient than i ever thought I was! We are suddenly faced with a situation that questions our mortality....At first you are shrouded with what i called the protective fog....this happens so you can take in all the information that is thrown at you....then you get to the why me stage......then comes the anger......sadness....what if's.....happiness....relief.....sadness.....and around and around the emotions go........You are facing the biggest hurdle life will throw at you, you do have to take a deep breath and step back....surround yourself with those who offer you genuine support.......listen to your team, they have your best interests at heart, and listen to your councellor.......ask a million questions, then ask again until you are satisfied you understand everything that going to happen to you........I hope my rant has helped you in some way.......I wish you all the very best in whatever you decide, 

@Fiona2 

The post showed for me! You had a little lizard friend show up and snuggle itself under your car's front wheel. :D hahah, I hope it's moved on.

Your words said so much in so little I had to make a point of them. It was one of those "If I could go back and tell myself something" moments.

Thank you so much, you're too kind. Every day there are new members, representing only a fraction of those diagnosed, and it's still heartbreaking. Yes, we could all gripe about it, and you're right, it's never fair. We all just have to do our best to navigate it and support each other along the way. x

Hi
thought I posted something in reply but can't see it anywhere so I'll say it again..thanks for the loving welcome.  You look very brave and indomitable InkPetal with a gutsy in-your-face attitude on display.  I am sorry that this has hit you at such a young age.  That seems doubly unfair to me but i suppose we could all waste a lot of energy angsting about the unfairness of breast cancer.  Stay strong.

Thank you for your welcome and kind words.  I think that the pain of crying for weeks managed to melt away a few boundaries such that I have been able to now let people in and that sense of connectedness feels very precious and healing to the spirit.  I am happy to think that my words may have reached out to you and brought some comfort.
I've been walking in the drizzle today with my head wrapped up in a scarf.  Not sure it was such a great idea but I couldn't move my car as a big blue tongue lizard was sitting determinedly right behind the front wheel.  Anyway, this unexpected encounter with nature was also uplifting to the spirit though I am hoping that the lizard decides to relocate itself somewhere more suitable.   
Fiona2

Fiona2 said:

From my own experience I would only suggest to let people in, soak it all up, absorb the loving care around you and allow others to help carry your pain for a while.

Welcome to BCNA @Fiona2 <3
That is such beautiful advice, I'm so happy you've joined us here.

I am so sorry you feel so sad and worried.

Of course it is entirely your decision what treatment you have.  You researched it in depth and gave it a lot of thought.  I am not going to try and persuade you to change your mind.

However, I am wondering if some of your feeling of upset is because part of you is now wondering if you made the right choice.  If that is the case, you are allowed to reconsider further treatment.  These are huge issues that dramatically affect your life, you can revisit them.  You are allowed.  It is your body and your life.

i found chemo very hard.  Radiation was a walk in the park.  Tamoxifen is going ok.  It's surprised me how brave and strong so many people are when they get cancer.  

The advice of other woman above is excellent.  Very best wishes.  Karen
    

Hi there, like you, I was HER2+. I did the chemo, radiotherapy and herceptin and I still wonder if I've done enough. The fact is we all make an educated decision on our treatments given the information we receive from the doctors. None of us have a guarantee, it's all based on odds. Other people don't have the right to tell you whether you have done the right thing or not but they certainly feel compelled to you what they think. They can't seem to help themselves. As long as you feel that you made the right decision for you at the time, then that's all that matters. Definitely see if you can see a counsellor that specialises in oncology. I think they way you are feeling is quite normal and you just need some strategies for dealing with the trauma that you have gone/are going through. Take care. Karen xox

It's not easy by any means but now is the time to be kind & patient with yourself.
This means allowing yourself space to work through the emotional turmoil you're experiencing & time to discover what helps you cope. 
This whole Cancer thing is such a personal & emotional journey with so many ups & downs along the way.
So glad to hear you've spoken with a counsellor - taking that 1st step to get the help you need can often be the hardest - & you've done it.
Stay well & take care :) 

Mel xx

Hi Byrnes,
Like you, I am newly diagnosed with a HERS positive tumour and I understand your tears.  I started crying when the surgeon examined my lump and told me that she was worried, it continued through the series of mammograms, biopsies, ultrasounds and further examinations, worsened when I received my results (despite expecting the diagnosis) and then followed with days and night where I seemed to cry continuously wondering how I could have so many tears inside me.
It just kept coming, wave after wave of shock and grief.  But support has helped and family and friends have been wonderful.  I have accepted all hugs on offer, unusual for me as I'm generally a little stand-offish, and have found it very comforting to let in the kindness and care that those around me feel. Slowly, slowly the tears have settled and now allowed me to focus forward on what I need to do to get better.
From my own experience I would only suggest to let people in, soak it all up, absorb the loving care around you and allow others to help carry your pain for a while.  I am glad to hear that you have booked in for a counsellor and hope that this person and space helps you to work through your situation and explore your choices and decisions.  And I hope that you find (as I have) that there is some clarity and peace beyond the tears.
One more thing,  I have been using a meditation app on my phone.  The one that I use is called Buddhify and I have found it to be invaluable in helping settle my mind and body at any and all times of the day and night.  Might be worth a try for you?
I really wish you all the best and hope things feel a little brighter soon.
Fiona2