Despair

Thankyou so much everyone for your comments. I haven't had any friends for years and I know this has contributed to my dilemma. I will go to a psychiatrist because I do not take any meds or speak to any people apart from an occasional interaction at Woolies when I collect my online shopping. I have 3 dogs and four cats who are my family. I have a 20 year old daughter who also has Asperger's and she works as well as uni so I don't tell her a lot because she is extremely sensitive. My mother betrayed me 14 years ago in the worst possible way and since then I have been unable to trust anyone, especially women. I have gone from being the life of the party to a hermit. Never had a mammogram before and the first one detected invasive lobular cancer only 8mm. I should be grateful. The surgeries were fine but the 5 biolopsies were torture as I have dense breasts and Autism means that I am extremely sensitive to pain, sound, bright lights. I always have to have huge amounts of painkillers at the dentist and this was no different. Was advised to start hormone blocker before radiotherapy but I'm not because the oncologist said it's usually started after radiotherapy but I could start straight away if I wanted to. I'm not because I don't know how I'm going to handle the radiotherapy and she didn't say that I should start hormone blocker, then go off it for radiotherapy and then start it again like Halla. With the menopause on top of it all, it feels like I'm being punished for being a female all over again. Autism makes you feel like a freak, completely disconnected from other humans with a strong connection to animals. In my case anyway because we are all different. If it were not for my daughter and my animals I know I wouldn't still be here. Breast cancer is not worse than living with autism in a world where people judge you before knowing you and are suspicious about those of us who are NOT disabled but just different. There is no cure for people who discriminate based on their own insecurity of the unknown. My instinct is almost psychic which is why I suddenly decided to get a mammogram when I did and not the 100 other times I had thought about it in the years prior. That instinct has saved my life many times in some very dangerous situations my entire life. There are people walking around today who would not be had I not had a premonition. That is hardly a disability and it comes from my autism because it's not uncommon in our population. Neurotypical people have just as many challenges as autistic people, except they are different challenges. My brain is so active that I dream/nightmare every night since I was a toddler. Anything which has happened during the day is replayed every night for years, so I'm having biopsies in my sleep over and over again. No medications have ever fixed this one most hellish issue, hence why I'm not on any now. Wow, my manifesto of misery. I know things will get better because they always do, (apart from the bizarre sleep bs) so I just plod on growing and cooking my veggies and drinking beet and curry leaf tea.