Despair

Hello 🙂. Quite an ordeal there. Sounds like you’re having PTSD or similar, which is what I also had right after my first surgery. I still have moments where everything seems surreal, and I feel like I’m someone else. They are not that long though. I got the help of a great psychologist for about 6 months last year. I got her for free through my oncologist. She helped me deal with the cancer diagnosis, but also with the trauma I’d been storing for years prior. A lot of shit came out last year. I just thought how on earth did i manage to keep all that trauma inside, and work, and have friends etc?? Sheesh!! It was very heavy, and I’m so happy the bulk of it is gone. Even the bca doesn’t seem as frightening now, even though I NEVER want to have it again!!! I still use some of the techniques my psych gave me, as well as others I have picked up here and there. I also have meet ups with breastie ladies similar to me. Step by step, little by little, I’m getting there. I just refuse to believe there isn’t joy in life. There is and I know what it is for me. I just need to be brave enough to seek it and experience it. It makes the heart sing and pain disappears. Seek your joy. And def ask for a psychologist if you can, as they are very helpful, even if just to unload all the pent up emotional crap on them.