BAD NEWS IS SO HARD TO SHARE
I was diagnosed with breast cancer in late May after an ultrasound as my breasts are too small for a mammogram. An ultrasound guided biopsy on the 2 tumours was done and I was told by my breast surgeon that I was inoperable but not untreatable. I then had a PET scan and an MRI which both the breast surgeon and oncologist were very happy with.
Within 3 weeks of my initial diagnosis I was on chemo. 4 x fortnightly AC and now I'm thru 7 of the Taxol with only 5 more to go. Everyone is very pleased with my response to the chemo as they said my kind of tumour often didn't respond (that was not told to me before I started). There have been no surprises and they are sure I will make it to number 12.
Then I get a month's rest before the operation (that's how they refer to it) in mid December. At this stage all I know is I have 2 tumours, locally advanced in my right breast.
Everyone tells me how good I'm looking cause I've got a great skull and all those steroids have made me look 20 years younger.
But on the inside I am coming to a halt.
I was told the taxol would be easier than the AC. I breezed thru the AC like I was invincible, I was going to save the world and especially my 5 children - 3 of whom have diagnosed mental illnesses. I was feeling magnanimous and suffering delusions of grandeur. My boyfriend of 8 months was the first casualty. He was gone sometime between the 2nd and 3rd round of AC.
My 19yr old dental nurse daughter stepped in and took over giving me injections after the chemo and cooking up biodynamic food that my sister grows. I was starving all the time and went from 43 kgs to 45 kgs.
Then the Taxol begun - I woke up the very next morning and as soon as I opened my eyes I started to cry.
Before I even had a chance to think about anything the tears were jumping out of my eyes and I couldn't stop. I don't cry in front of anyone (much) but when I'm left alone I feel desperate and pathetic. The beach is just 2 blocks away and I can't even make it there. The shops are a block away and now that is too far as well. My legs burn when I try to take a stride but I can wobble around my house without too much trouble.
My fingernails and toenails are all purple and lifting. I love being bald all over. I can't remember what happened yesterday. All my realities have turned into dreams.
But I have great support from family and friends and feel blessed to be surrounded by so much love.
It's taken me ages and ages to write this cause of all the stories from everyone that I've been reading. I've cried and cried for every one of you. I don't feel knowledgeable enough to comment or offer helpful suggestions but when I've been further along this warpath (it's no journey!) I'll let you know what I've learned.
Within 3 weeks of my initial diagnosis I was on chemo. 4 x fortnightly AC and now I'm thru 7 of the Taxol with only 5 more to go. Everyone is very pleased with my response to the chemo as they said my kind of tumour often didn't respond (that was not told to me before I started). There have been no surprises and they are sure I will make it to number 12.
Then I get a month's rest before the operation (that's how they refer to it) in mid December. At this stage all I know is I have 2 tumours, locally advanced in my right breast.
Everyone tells me how good I'm looking cause I've got a great skull and all those steroids have made me look 20 years younger.
But on the inside I am coming to a halt.
I was told the taxol would be easier than the AC. I breezed thru the AC like I was invincible, I was going to save the world and especially my 5 children - 3 of whom have diagnosed mental illnesses. I was feeling magnanimous and suffering delusions of grandeur. My boyfriend of 8 months was the first casualty. He was gone sometime between the 2nd and 3rd round of AC.
My 19yr old dental nurse daughter stepped in and took over giving me injections after the chemo and cooking up biodynamic food that my sister grows. I was starving all the time and went from 43 kgs to 45 kgs.
Then the Taxol begun - I woke up the very next morning and as soon as I opened my eyes I started to cry.
Before I even had a chance to think about anything the tears were jumping out of my eyes and I couldn't stop. I don't cry in front of anyone (much) but when I'm left alone I feel desperate and pathetic. The beach is just 2 blocks away and I can't even make it there. The shops are a block away and now that is too far as well. My legs burn when I try to take a stride but I can wobble around my house without too much trouble.
My fingernails and toenails are all purple and lifting. I love being bald all over. I can't remember what happened yesterday. All my realities have turned into dreams.
But I have great support from family and friends and feel blessed to be surrounded by so much love.
It's taken me ages and ages to write this cause of all the stories from everyone that I've been reading. I've cried and cried for every one of you. I don't feel knowledgeable enough to comment or offer helpful suggestions but when I've been further along this warpath (it's no journey!) I'll let you know what I've learned.
