Forum Discussion
A new member and really wishing I wasn't
Received diagnosis on Feb 24th of Ductal Invasive Carcinoma Grade 2 in left breast after Mammogram with Breastscreen. Fortunately Dr de Viana was the one who gave me my results and I later found out he was one of the best here on the Gold Coast for surgery and treatment. I was in shock and we had a cruise organised with family flying from Perth & Melbourne to join us in Singapore then cruising for two weeks back to Brisbane. I discussed this with Dr and he said two weeks cruising would be good.
So back to Dr on March 17th the day after arriving home and he scheduled surgery fro Wed march 29th as I had to go off blood thinners a week before.
I managed to put the cancer to the back of my mind a lot of the time on the cruise as I was "tour guide" for a group of six first time cruisers and two we had cruised with before. I kept very busy and only had one dream that included cancer and it was very tame.
I have had depression for over fifty years and take antidepressants and now a mood stabiliser and without going into a lot of detail am taking a LOT of medications for heart disease, diabetes insipidus, thyroid and now realise I have anxiety. My anxiety takes over and physically changes my wellness into diarrohea & a continual feeling of sick in the gut. And today I am having trouble keeping busy to block the thoughts and consequent feelings.
I had at major shift in my thoughts on Friday morning in the shower and cried thinking how angry how I had ignored my left breast throughout this. I felt very sorry I had ignored it and decided on an old therapy from another time of surgery - to think positive and change things little by little - those I have control over - and feed my body only good foods, nurture myself etc.
But like another bowling ball thundering down my alley towards my "pins" id taken three weeks to stand back up - I go a phonecall from the Breastcare Nurse saying the MRI * recent ultra sound picked up another lump in the same breast - this one at 5 oçlock. Previous one at 2 oçlock and they thought it might be a satellite of the other one. Therefore need another ultrasound ASP and another biopsy on Tuesday 11am.
They also found another lump in the right breast that they thought might be benign - BUT I am worried and would like that biopsied too at the same time so I only have one anaesthetic (Had major clot on the lung & pituitary tumour in the past)
I am scared beyond belief and cannot believe how quickly things have changed - AND not for the better. I am imagining the new lump is an offshoot of the other one as it is invasive and so I am wondering if they weill suggest mastectomy - I am petrified about chemotherapy. I was prepared for the wide incision and the sentinel node biopsy - but this seems too much right now......
I haven't told my family as I don't want to worry them unnecessarily about the extra lump until I know what it actually is. But that seems to be adding to the stress.
Ive got the journey kit and read a lot and thought I had it sorted - what it was - the surgery and what I needed to do.... \But now I feel back in the shock and denial stage I was till Friday. Guess this is normal - but I hate it! It's like \I have a thread from my brain through my gut straight to my bowels as the vomiting and loose bowels is immediate......
Guess it is also normal to feel alone and afraid to reach out to anyone due to feeling like a nuisance and there's nothing anyone can say except you'll be fine" But I don't know that right now.
They say a problem shared is a problem halved and I hope this will bring some relief just from putting my thoughts and eelings on here. Hope that's what this is for.......
Ive had a lot of illnesses in my family and myself but I never wanted to EVER go to an oncology department..... Guess I should be careful what I wish for..... And sometimes what we put our energy on festers.....
Soo many thoughts running around in my head - and ive managed to come out of major illnesses efore with positive thinking, reading Louise Hay etc, doing affirmations, relaxation and meditation but I can't seem to connect to this........ It's like its not real or maybe my previous way of managing things like this is to dissociate and that's what I'm doing on an unconscious level;.....
|Sorry folks this is a ramble - but its how my head, thoughts and emotions seem right now.
Thank you for the opportunity to :uload" share - rant on here. :) <3
So back to Dr on March 17th the day after arriving home and he scheduled surgery fro Wed march 29th as I had to go off blood thinners a week before.
I managed to put the cancer to the back of my mind a lot of the time on the cruise as I was "tour guide" for a group of six first time cruisers and two we had cruised with before. I kept very busy and only had one dream that included cancer and it was very tame.
I have had depression for over fifty years and take antidepressants and now a mood stabiliser and without going into a lot of detail am taking a LOT of medications for heart disease, diabetes insipidus, thyroid and now realise I have anxiety. My anxiety takes over and physically changes my wellness into diarrohea & a continual feeling of sick in the gut. And today I am having trouble keeping busy to block the thoughts and consequent feelings.
I had at major shift in my thoughts on Friday morning in the shower and cried thinking how angry how I had ignored my left breast throughout this. I felt very sorry I had ignored it and decided on an old therapy from another time of surgery - to think positive and change things little by little - those I have control over - and feed my body only good foods, nurture myself etc.
But like another bowling ball thundering down my alley towards my "pins" id taken three weeks to stand back up - I go a phonecall from the Breastcare Nurse saying the MRI * recent ultra sound picked up another lump in the same breast - this one at 5 oçlock. Previous one at 2 oçlock and they thought it might be a satellite of the other one. Therefore need another ultrasound ASP and another biopsy on Tuesday 11am.
They also found another lump in the right breast that they thought might be benign - BUT I am worried and would like that biopsied too at the same time so I only have one anaesthetic (Had major clot on the lung & pituitary tumour in the past)
I am scared beyond belief and cannot believe how quickly things have changed - AND not for the better. I am imagining the new lump is an offshoot of the other one as it is invasive and so I am wondering if they weill suggest mastectomy - I am petrified about chemotherapy. I was prepared for the wide incision and the sentinel node biopsy - but this seems too much right now......
I haven't told my family as I don't want to worry them unnecessarily about the extra lump until I know what it actually is. But that seems to be adding to the stress.
Ive got the journey kit and read a lot and thought I had it sorted - what it was - the surgery and what I needed to do.... \But now I feel back in the shock and denial stage I was till Friday. Guess this is normal - but I hate it! It's like \I have a thread from my brain through my gut straight to my bowels as the vomiting and loose bowels is immediate......
Guess it is also normal to feel alone and afraid to reach out to anyone due to feeling like a nuisance and there's nothing anyone can say except you'll be fine" But I don't know that right now.
They say a problem shared is a problem halved and I hope this will bring some relief just from putting my thoughts and eelings on here. Hope that's what this is for.......
Ive had a lot of illnesses in my family and myself but I never wanted to EVER go to an oncology department..... Guess I should be careful what I wish for..... And sometimes what we put our energy on festers.....
Soo many thoughts running around in my head - and ive managed to come out of major illnesses efore with positive thinking, reading Louise Hay etc, doing affirmations, relaxation and meditation but I can't seem to connect to this........ It's like its not real or maybe my previous way of managing things like this is to dissociate and that's what I'm doing on an unconscious level;.....
|Sorry folks this is a ramble - but its how my head, thoughts and emotions seem right now.
Thank you for the opportunity to :uload" share - rant on here. :) <3
Views
Sign in to react to this post
63 Replies
- Wonderful news @sandramj and also brilliant that this has enabled a deeper bond and greater communication between you and your hubby. All the best for a speedy recovery from your surgery tomorrow. Xx Cath
- that is awesome @sandramj
- It's a relief to get the cancer out. I wish you a now uncomplicated surgery. Kath x
- WELL after a rough start to the day with two biopsies booked and another one after finding another lump in the left breast - I just got great news that all of the new lumps were benign and so surgery will go ahead tomorrow with just the one lump to be removed and hopefully will be a HUGE success and it will be onward and upward with radiations and whatever else is necessary to rid this from my body. I'm actually looking forward to the surgery tomorrow now - weird - but after thinking the worst with each new lump they found having surgery tomorrow feels like a breeze compared to what I was thinking.
THANK YOU to all of you wonderful people on here who support one another - I love this forum and look forward to talking to you all more and hearing your stories and gripes occasionally as we are entitled to. :) <3 - Hope all goes well and you soon have a treatment plan.
- Sending positive thoughts for good results today @sandramj. Jane xx
- Hi @sandramj you are so welcome here...we understand. And you will navigate your journey the best way you can....I read some interesting research about positive mindset recently: that you can actually help to rewire your brain in 21 days if you follow some positive mindset exercises, like at the end of the day sharing "3 good things" that happened that day. I have done this for years with my kids and hubby, coincidentally, and it has always been a good way of finding out how theirs and my days have gone.
Today I, too, am thankful for the wonderful support of this online network. It has made all the difference to me and has made my personal "journey" (hate that word, but...) easier. Nikki x - As I am new to this site please excuse any errors I might make - like I went to flag a post to keep it, but found it was only to report etc. Woops.
LADIES I am SOOOOO grateful for each of your posts and I feel like I have a "team" building that I can talk to and that feeling of not being alone and shut down is easing..... I am noticing I am beginning to open up and talk to my huisband and crying in front of him and expressing my fears etc - which is new for us - even after 47 years of marriage and many surgeries etc I don't usually tell him how I feel - to save him worrying - and MAYBE cos of the fear of him shutting me down. I have a feeling I am going to learn a lot with this new opportunity" for growth. ATM I'm not sure if talking positive is changing my mindset or if its just me masking my real feelings.....
THANKS LADIES FOR MAKING ME FEEL WELCOME AND that my feelings are "Normal" for where I'm at just now. Thanks for accepting into your inner circle. I look forward to contributing and hopefully at some stage giving back......
