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Jecca's avatar
Jecca
Member
10 years ago

survivor guilt??

Survivor Guilt?!

Survivor Guilt? Is that even a thing? I had someone use the term with me yesterday and now I’m wondering if that is such a thing?

In the past 48 hours I have had 2 acquaintances pass away from cancer. 1 wasn’t breast cancer the other was. They both have 2 kids who now have a father devastated by the loss of their partner and who is struggling to explain to them that mum is no longer physically with them.

The first lady passed on Sunday. That hit home a bit, I didn’t know her real well, but we live in a town of 1000 people so you always know what is going on in others’ lives. But, with this lady I am friends with a good friend of hers do would often get updates on her progress and had spoken to her a couple of times about her treatment. She has 2 kids, twin boys who are about 13 (very close age to my kids). I think that is what hurts the most. She was in her early 40’s. I hope that she is without pain now.

The second lady I knew even less well, but again living in a rural community you all kind of keep tabs on how each other is going. She was younger than me. Mid 30’s. She has 2 very young boys. About 4 and 6. She was diagnosed in sept 2014. Three months before me. She passed away yesterday.

This cancer thing can be so cruel. I don’t think I ever, sorry there was 1 moment when I was having my body scan, really thought about the possibility that I could have potentially lost my way to cancer. Last night that seemed to hit home. These 2 beautiful young people gone way before they should be. They should be able to watch their boys grow into men. Hold their grandchildren. Grow old. But instead this thing called cancer has robbed them of it.

It has raised many emotions in me. My heart is heavy with sorrow for their loved ones. Especially their husbands and children. I am grateful that I had such a good outcome from my treatment. I feel guilty that my path was so easy compared to so many more. It makes me feel like I can’t really compare what I went thru to anything that they went thru. I am thankful for all the medical staff I have met and the knowledge they have shared with me. I am confused at how the treatment can work so well for 1 person, yet doesn’t for the next. I wish everyone’s experience with cancer could be more like mine than what these wonderful ladies have been through.

It has been making me question my beliefs. I have always had a belief in a higher being, be it god or whatever. I don’t think it really matters. And a things happen for a reason attitude. But this is unexplainable. There is no reason. How can young women be taken when there are others who are ready to go? I have a grandma who is 83, has lung cancer, is refusing treatment, has lived a full live and loved it but is tired and ready to go, yet she is still here to annoy the nurses!! Not that I am wishing loss on anyone else but what god could possible see fit to rob young kids of their mum?

I don’t know? Just more stuff I needed to get out of my head and my heart before I go to work! For the rest of us life does go on, tomorrow the sun will still rise. For these families and others life will be different. I send them my love. My they always carry their loved ones close by in their hearts. May these ladies always be watching over and guiding their children from above xx

  • Jecca's avatar
    Jecca
    Member
    10 years ago

    Thanks for all the comments.  They have been very much appreciated! 

    My week went down hill on Thursday and I had a bit of a melt down at work.  You know one of those times where you are completely inconsolable and have the snotty nose happening, are incapable of explaining what is wrong.  It was needed though! The trigger for it was a phone call from my mum letting me know a family friend is now in palliative care.  That just opened the flood gates! I am so fortunate I work with such an amazing supportive group of people. 

    I have a friend who has survived bowel cancer and we caught up on the weekend.  It was very reassuring to hear that she had been struggling with the same kind of emotions as I had. That combination of  grief, heart break, relief is a tough one to balance out.  But like I keep saying to my self tomorrow is a new day and the sun will still rise. 

    Wishing you all a week filled with sunshine and love (but hopefully the temp can be turned down a bit!)

     

  • Alsopt's avatar
    Alsopt
    Member
    10 years ago

    Wow Jecca it does suck I can't work out rhyme or reason I don't think there is any.  I've worked in major health disabilities for years co ordinated serious help and watched cancer ms motor neurone cf quads dementia brittle bone kids as young as 4 pass away mothers fathers everyone.  I've seen people in their 80s 90s still alive huge drinkers smokers so for me I can't make sense of it like you.  I've still not got all clear but I do feel guilty as you said life just goes on.  I haven't worked since July last year I've got 120 high need clients and 25 staff awaiting my return and at this point I can't wait to go back at least then I can help even though it makes no sense how and what I see I do know though that this crappy bc journey has given me more compassion and understanding and I fully intend to use that I find myself lucky at 50 to be diagnosed when I've watched so many that never made it much love 

  • primek's avatar
    primek
    Member
    10 years ago

    I think what you are feeling is perfectly normal. Such tragedy in a small town. Hope for better cures is all we have. ..cure for all. Kath.

  • ScorpionQueen's avatar
    ScorpionQueen
    Member
    10 years ago

    I do believe in such a thing....However it is not of our doing!

    I have a friend who was diagnosed the same time as me but with pancreatic and liver cancer, she rings me every other day and we talk about everything, but there is one massive difference, she has been given 12 months...Shes 51! I also have a friend of a friend who has stage 4 BC mets and she has little time left...i am trying to come to terms with the fact that  tough as it is, my prognosis seems to be quite the opposite..

    I think it's a normal emotion to feel in any case...cancer IS so cruel..it picks and chooses and sometimes that seems so unfair...

    Love and light

    -Tracy

     

  • iserbrown's avatar
    iserbrown
    Member
    10 years ago

    Goodness as hard as it is please don't feel guilty.  Every individual journey is different and unfortunately for you there are two near you that lost their battle.  There is no rhyme or reason as to why or how and why some respond better than others to treatment, it is all individual.

    Take time to reflect on the passing of these two people and as Deanne suggested perhaps if you are able, become involved in fund raising.  The research $s are always needed for all types of cancers.  Perhaps become an ambassador for Breast Cancer - Cossette has a post up at present looking for people in certain areas to promote the Pink Bun Campaign. 

    Be proud that you've battled Breast Cancer

    Take care sending you a virtual hug

    Christine xx

  • Deanne's avatar
    Deanne
    Member
    10 years ago

    Around the time that I was finishing treatment a young friend (26 at the time) was diagnosed with Stage 3 melanoma. He had treatment and he and his fiancée (a nurse) set about transforming their lives. They changed their diet, saw a naturopath and were very positive about the future. 2 weeks before they were to be married some follow-up scans showed his cancer had spread. They had just found out that they were going to have a baby too.

    They were told that there was no treatment that could help his particular cancer situation. He had somewhere between 3 and 6 months to live. I also had just found out that 2 other friends ( one was my age) had Stage 4 bowel cancer. The friend who was my age passed away less than 2 months after diagnosis, leaving a very devestated 16 year old son and an in shock husband. 

    At first I also felt some sort of guilt too but then I thought about it a little differently. Treatment for cancer is improving and there are many people ( I may be one of them) who are alive today because of these improvements. 

    Then we had wonderful news for our young friend with the melanoma. He was being put onto a new trial drug and after a few months the news has been nothing but good. Well over a year since he was told that there was nothing they could do he is not only alive but living very well. He has next to no side effects from this drug and life is pretty good for him, his wife and their 7 month old baby.

    I have found it helped me to take part in raising awareness and funds for cancer research. In this way I feel like I can DO something about cancer and its devestating effects on the community. I can't cure cancer but I can help to raise money that will make a difference for others affected by it.

    It is that belief that one day we will find a cure that helps me to feel less helpless, less disillusioned with the world. Take care. Deanne xxx