I hate this

Well it's 3am, I'm so bloody tired yet I can't sleep. It's treatment day today. No biggy. It's just an infusion. It's just accessing the port. I'm so close to the finish now with only 4 treatments to go.  It's only 24 hours of feeling yuck.  Yet I'm so damn anxious I just can't sleep. I hate this. With everything I've had done to me, accessing the port is the thing that freaks me out!  How bloody stupid. It makes me so angry at myself because it is so ridiculous! Pull yourself together woman! You can do this. It's a piece of cake, a walk in the park! I know I'm setting myself up to fall in a heap but I can't seem to help it. I had a really late night for me on Saturday as I was at A&E with my son after he sustained a footy injury. I'm pretty much working full time. I'm exhausted. I didn't get out of my pjs yesterday. I haven't exercised for a couple of days now. I did no housework at all on the weekend. My super woman facade is crumbling. No one else has noticed that I'm floundering. I just want to cry. My son is on crutches and in pain. I'm looking after him now too. He can no longer help me. I so hate what you've done to me bc.  I'm so hoping that by purging myself in writing that I can ease the anxiety, I can acknowledge how I'm feeling and pushed forward. That I can hopefully get some more sleep before my 5 30 wake up call so that I can get to the hospital on time. I have that dreadful feeling of being alone, that I can't rely on anyone else to help. Not physically, emotionally or practically.  I really struggle with asking for help, few have offered throughout the last 12 months and the people who have helped are exhausted too. I would rather they were there for me on my treatment days than cleaning my house. They can't do both. Bc has taken a huge toll on my limited support too. I so hate what you've done bc! 

Sorry for for the rant ladies. I just need to let it out before it encapsulates me completely. Onward and upward. Tomorrow is another day,

Karen