I had a bilateral mastectomy and reconstruction last Thursday .I'm in hospital , drs think I might go home on Wednesday .I have a 22 month old and a 7 month old .My partner is undergoing chemo and radiation , has 4 more weeks to go .Most of the hospital staff has been good , my kids are being looked after , my partner is getting some rest and lots of family and friends have visited me .I should be happy right , everything is going well , I have lots of support and I should be positive .Well today I couldn't wait for everyone to leave so I could have a good cry .I miss my kids so much .I hate being in hospital .I hate how I cant pick up my kids and give them a big cuddle .I hate how I have to talk shit to whoever comes here and do thestay positive talk.I am so stressed about the results. I'm so over everything. I have so much anger I just want to scream . Honestly I don't know how all of you handle it Im just sick of trying to be strong .

Hi people mean well but don't get how you feel. While I was going through treatment one of my sisters kept telling me how proud she was of me and how strong I was . One night I told her I wasn't strong just trying to get through this shitty trip. One day at a time I hope things improve and you get some cuddles from your kids. Sending you a hug xx

Oh yes we get it. But you don't need to stay strong. Darn it..tell people you are scared. Tell them you miss your kids. Don't pretend it's all okay. Have s big friggin cry. Life has changed and by golly your family have been through so much already. You are stronger than you realise. We are all stronger than we realised. You will get through, doesn't mean you can't have meltdowns every now and then. And we are hear to listen when you don't want to share with others. X

Hi El big huggs ...great you have reached out lots of welcomes to come.. no you are not alone.Its good to vent and here is the place. Its a shittiie thing that has occured no its not our fault.Mastectomy seems to be healing ok so will be short time before you get home. Sounds like you will need a comfort pillow on your chest when little ones are close. I found i could do most personal care things..just no heavy household chores for a couple of weeks.For me cooking great therapy but it sounds like the young ones will be yours! Reply tonight if you can...sister in treatment Cheers Bright ;)

Hey @El.mumof2 we hear you! When I had my mastectomy, I can remember bursting into tears when I went to have a shower and the nurse brusquely helped take off my top and I looked in the mirror for the first time....I was hurt, angry, sad, confused. I think she should've prepped me a bit better before the 'reveal'. I know she was very sorry but my reaction wasn't what I had expected. I was shocked.It was the first real chink in my armour - I had been so 'positive', like a trooper...and then came crashing down.Luckily, I really only wanted my family and a couple of close friends to visit in hospital. I didn't want to have to put on a face, and just wanted to concentrate on my recovery. It was the best choice for me (unfortunately, one 'friend' was very offended by this and we no longer have much to do with each other.)As you know, 3 weeks ago I had my DIEP Reconstruction.....again, I managed who was to visit but this time the nursing staff were beyond amazing. One very experienced nurse said to me early on: "expect on Day 3 or 4 to come crashing down...it's like the post-baby blues....if you know it's coming, you'll handle it better". So, she was right: Day 4, I felt nauseated, sore, hadn't slept much and a bit lost. But, by the end of the day, I felt ok again.It's not a linear journey - sometimes it's two steps forward and one back or a couple sideways and there are those little trigger points (like, for you, picking up your kids...and for me - as my kids are a bit too big for picking up :) - not being able to walk my dogs) which set you off.Feel the anger and let it out, grieve over what's happened, share with your closest confidante (and with us) how you're feeling.....you will make it, you will move forward. One step at a time - sometimes it's one minute or one hour or one day at a time....but each day it's about moving forward.Sending you the warmest of virtual hugs (guaranteed not to hurt ;))Nikki xxxxx

The fact that you even THINK you should be happy shows remarkable courage and determination. Hospital is not a bad place to let go a little and vent a bit. Here is a good place to do that too. You'll be brave and positive at home for your children and your partner but for your own equilibrium, you need some time to say it's not fair (it isn't), it's too hard (it IS hard) and you don't want any of it. Then you can take a deep breath and start being positive again. We all get through any way we can, the main thing is getting through. As they say, when you are going through hell, keep going! Best wishes.

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35 Replies

bevvzy
Member
9 years ago
@Elmumof2 hope you are doing a bit better now :) sorry have not been on much the last couple of days, was in a little longer than I thought. Hi all :) how are you doing
I dont have my report yet, Day 10 and still have the drain in so I hope some of the armpit burning settles then, finding that a bit hard to cope as I cant reach, pull or stretch with that side at all and when your a paraplegic you really need to good arms! so I cant reposition myself in bed whinge whinge. I know instead of the sentinel node they took all level one and level 2 axillary as they were palpably suspicious??? so hoping I dont have to go back again as you did poor sausage :( Was hoping to know last Friday as they said a week, but I guess tomorrow will be D day. Reasonably sure, based on what the surgeons registrar slipped, that will by LN pos so not sure whats to come. Hate waiting but i guess we all do!!1 keep well girls!
melclarity
Member
9 years ago
@Butterfly40 wishing you well, its not an easy road by any stretch, we all completely get it, and we're all here to talk anytime you need. Hang in there. Hugs Melinda xo
Butterfly_40
Member
9 years ago
@iserbrown thank you! I had the moment, but went through the surgery well! I am glad this one is over, now I am gearing up for the next big one. Xxx
iserbrown
Member
9 years ago
@Elmumof2 Hello I have been reading your post with interest and can see lots of support coming your way. Remember we've all experienced similar, if not the same, at some stage and here willing you along to a good outcome. Take care and enjoy the cushions/pillows so that you can have those precious cuddles. Take care and vent away if needed as we get it
iserbrown
Member
9 years ago
@"Butterfly 40" oh you poor thing that you gushed with tears being wheeled into the theatre - aren't the staff just so caring, and understanding. We all have our moments. Glad to see you're through that surgery. Take care, sending you a virtual hug
primek
Member
9 years ago
@Elmumof2 . Did they leave some tissue behind? How annoying. Hope all good and pain is manageable. Kath x
Butterfly_40
Member
9 years ago
@Elmumof2 I am sorry to hear you went back and had another operation today. I get all my fingers and toes crossed for you for a clear margin this time. Sending you a big gentle hug!
XXX
nikkid
Member
9 years ago
I'm so glad you're doing well @Elmumof2! You've been consistently in my thoughts. Sending you positive energy....

Meantime, I'm well - 4 and a bit weeks post my DIEP Recon and getting better each day. Nikki xx
Butterfly_40
Member
9 years ago
Thank you @Elmumof2! How are you going with your recovery? I just got home from the nipple delay procedure which helps the survival of the nipples post double mastectomy and also had biopsy to determine if I can keep the nipples. I was very calm and collected up until the moment before they wheeled me into the theatre. My tears were just gushing out of control. The anaesthetists and nurse were very kind and comforting. I calmed down quickly and put into sleep soon after. The procedure went well. I am home resting now and getting ready for the double mastectomy next Friday. Xxx
Elmumof2
Member
9 years ago
@nikkid just had another operation today to remove more breast tissue .I'm doing well thank you , on a drip for pain relief .Fingers crossed the margins are clear this time then I can start my chemo treatment with herceptine :) How are you? Xxx