Help I'm desperate

The helpline has been invaluable in keeping really bad thoughts at bay (can't say more) but doesn't really help in re-establishing the trust that has been lost.

I think underneath it all is fear of further dissapointment and rejection and a contributor to that is all the "positive reinforcement" that goes on. To quote "I feel like a peice of crap so why shouldn't I say so but no-one wants to hear that they only want to hear how it is making me stronger".

I have committed the cardinal sin of a)trying to fix things and b) make her feel better in the past for which I have paid dearly.

Thanks for taking the time to comment, do you have any solid thoughts about how to re-establish enough trust in anyone to even consider joining forums never mind approaching the medical "profession" again. She has all the literature going, all that seems to do is confirm how far from the planet right her treatment has been and  reinforce her mistrust in everyone (including me).

Hi Andrew,

Sorry to hear you guys have had such a rough time of it. I know how your wife is feeling.You put your trust in a specialist and sometimes you get let down.  But you can't then mistrust every medical person.I broke my ankle 3yrs ago and I trusted this so called leading orthopedic dr.He talked me into surgery- plate and 5 screws.Well he put the wrong scew in and I was in agony and on crutches for 5months with him telling me I wasn't trying.An xray revealed his mistake and he promptly did more surgery to remove plate and pins.Even then he couldn't get it right and left a srew sticking in a muscle.Another 8mths on crutches,physio,pain++ and then a cat scan showed the offending screw.Needless to say,I found another surgeon to clean up his mess and he was great.I'm still not right and the 2yrs of needless pain and disability took it's toll on me and my husband.So last year I got breast cancer again(first time in 2003)and had to have a mastectomy and chemo.I had great doctors and a terrific breast care nurse. It makes a big difference- it makes the awful experience tolerable.

I think your wife could have depression and you need to find a sympathetic gp.Certainly getting her to come on this site would be really helpful.The women that I chat with are amazing support.We all help each other through this diffcult journey.I know my self esteem has taken a terrible blow but I am improving with the help of a loving ,patient husband.You may not think it but you are helping your wife alot by caring and being there for her.

                             Tonya

Hi Andrew,

Sorry to hear you guys have had such a rough time of it. I know how your wife is feeling.You put your trust in a specialist and sometimes you get let down.  But you can't then mistrust every medical person.I broke my ankle 3yrs ago and I trusted this so called leading orthopedic dr.He talked me into surgery- plate and 5 screws.Well he put the wrong scew in and I was in agony and on crutches for 5months with him telling me I wasn't trying.An xray revealed his mistake and he promptly did more surgery to remove plate and pins.Even then he couldn't get it right and left a srew sticking in a muscle.Another 8mths on crutches,physio,pain++ and then a cat scan showed the offending screw.Needless to say,I found another surgeon to clean up his mess and he was great.I'm still not right and the 2yrs of needless pain and disability took it's toll on me and my husband.So last year I got breast cancer again(first time in 2003)and had to have a mastectomy and chemo.I had great doctors and a terrific breast care nurse. It makes a big difference- it makes the awful experience tolerable.

I think your wife could have depression and you need to find a sympathetic gp.Certainly getting her to come on this site would be really helpful.The women that I chat with are amazing support.We all help each other through this diffcult journey.I know my self esteem has taken a terrible blow but I am improving with the help of a loving ,patient husband.You may not think it but you are helping your wife alot by caring and being there for her.

                             Tonya

Hi Andrew

This is Kathy - I am a Senior Policy Officer at BCNA.

Like Moira, I was saddened to read about the challenges you and your wife have faced since her breast cancer diagnosis in 2006. We know that a diagnosis can have a huge impact on partners, and that often men feel at a loss as to how to best help their wife, and where to go to get help.

Have you thought about talking to your GP or a counsellor? I see from your blog that your wife has had counselling. If you were to see someone they might be able to provide you with some strategies for dealing with her anger and helping her to come to better terms with her diagnosis and treatments.

There are some resources for partners on the Family and friends page of our website, although I am not sure how useful they will be for your particular situation.The National Breast and Ovarian Cancer Centre also has information for partners on its website.

Finally, the Cancer Council Helpline may be able to offer you some support and practical advice - you can call them on 13 11 20. They are not just there for people with cancer, but also provide support to family members and friends of people who have been diagnosed. They have Oncology Nurses and other health professionals taking the calls and I know they would be happy to speak with you.

Andrew, I wish you well through what is obviously a very difficult and challenging time for you. Please let me know if there is anything further I can help you with. You can email me direct at kwells@bcna.org.au if you wish.

Kathy

Hi Andrew, well first of all i am so sorry to read you and your wifes story, and the treatment you and your wife have recieved.  BUT there is support out there - this is where this great bunch of men and women on here come in, we have ladies on here with all sorts of experience of the journey of bc, and also carers.  Have you received the My Journey Kit from BCNA, if not please register for it on this site, it is a great package for BC and carers, family and friends, it is all done with people who have made the journey, including a cd from partners/carers, it is all put together in a way we can all understand, also BCNA have forums in different areas, having just attended one, i would say to anyone, go along and join them, once again the professional speakers as well as the bcna abasadors, speak and answer questions in a language we can understand, is there a support group near you? i can understand why your wife feels there is nobody out there to help her, but if she could just talk to others who have been down the road, i am sure she and you would benefit.  Please let your wife know, by even joining us on here, she just may get something from it.  Meanwhile please keep comming back to us, and like we all say, by helping yourself, you can help others, please feel free to add me to your contact list.  Speak soon Take Care Moira X