Guilt

Hi Shirl

thank you so much, your note just gave me a new wave of perspective..  And what a very clever woman Raeleen is. Such a simple piece of advice but how very true.. 

Onwards and upwards, with a few side trips on the way but we will all get there in the end.. 

Luv Pammy

Hi girls, I was very interested in reading your messages and they brought me back to my inner feelings a couple of years ago.

I was diagnosed in 2010 and my surgeon made two offers.  Lumpectomy and some of the glands removed or a full mastectomy and total gland removal.  I asked about the odds ... no guarantees with the lump and some gland removal but with the lot going there was only a 3% chance it might return providing it hadn't travelled.  I was 62 at the time and told the surgeon "take the lot".  It was the right decision for me and my wonderful partner supported my decision.

The prognosis was good, the cancer hadn't travelled and as a result  didn't need chemo or radiotherapy.  I'm on Arimidex for 5 years .. not really fussed on the side effects but don't like the alternative.

My breast care nurse would invite me to various functions, I'd see advertising pics of ladies wearing hats, turbans and wigs and I felt guilty.  I had no outward signs of cancer - effects of chemo etc - and felt guilty ("I can't go, these ladies are sick") and it really chewed me up.

I went through depression (and am still getting counselling though I'm coming through it all now).  I went to a BCNA Forum where Lyn Swinburn and Raeleen Boyle were speaking.  I was talking to Raeleen about how I was feeling and she was very forthright with me.  She told me to go home, stand in front of the mirror and take my shirt off .... I would notice something was missing.  I had a scar where my breast had been ..... a sign that I had been "sick", I had breast cancer and even though I did not need radical treatment was on medication.

That was  a turn around for me, I went to Community Liaison training in Melbourne and am now involved with media, community awareness, fundraising.  I have been asked why I do this, my answer is always "because I can, a lot can't".  I am cancer free and relatively healthy.  There is always that 3% in the back of my mind, but I don't dwell on it.  I have memos on the other side every 6 months and have regular blood tests and scans  As I said the medication knocks me around but as long as I know the reasons for the pain I'm fine.

I've been receiving counselling for the guilt-related depression for nearly a year and am seeing the lights at the end of the tunnel (as long as it's not a train coming in my direction I'll be fine LoL )

We have to remember that we don't choose cancer, it choses us and we are all affected in different ways.  The fact that you acknowledge your guilt/depression is a step in the right direction and is nothing to be ashamed of.  You would be more unhappy if you bottled your feelings inside.

Most importantly, look after yourself and do what is right for you.

Luv .. Shirl

As women we spend so much of our time putting others first... Yesterday was one of the first times I let myself fall in a heap... I've spent so much time trying to protect and shelter my children, my family and friends that it all came crashing down. I find it hard as a single mum ...I keep lots to myself so last week went to see a counsellor... I thought I'd break down as soon as I got there but found I had nothing to talk about lol. Be true to yourself... Enjoy the good days and take each challenging day as it comes. Try hard to find something to smile about each day. Feel free to add me as a contact Mel :)

Hi Joey

this is my first ever post/response but I just had to write to you. I have been sitting here all morning just crying and feeling exactly like you.. I too have a good cancer. Lumpectomy-clear margins, only 2 lymph nodes removed-all clear/no spread..    Have started tamoxifen and am awaiting my start date for radiation.. I have been blessed that I was able to avoid chemo...

Unfortunately the site of the lump removal developed a nasty infection last week and I'm off work all week getting daily injections and suffering the effects of very strong antibiotic tablets. I feel so guilty for my workmates.. having to carry the load.. I feel so guilty my kids think mum being unwell is the norm... I feel guilty when I read so many ladies stories and they are going thru so much more than I am. I feel shame that all my cancer has been removed, yet I still sit here and cry

Thank you for sharing your feelings because you have helped me get a lot of perspective.. We can only feel how we feel.. Its not right or wrong, it just is... hopefully by verbalising those feelings it helps us feel deal with our emotions a little bit better... 

Dont shut up and suck it up... just be yourself and do what you need to do....    Remember your not alone with how you feel.

good luck

Pam

 

Hi Joey Have just read your post with tears streaming down my face... Yesterday I was having a real " poor me" day. I went online to feel better as I always do.... I too felt dreadful guilt as I read posts about treatment finishing and wished that that was me... I text my friend saying " she's finished her treatment... I want that to be me." I felt very jealous and selfish. I broke down in a heap last night, crying and telling my 21 year old daughter that I couldn't do it anymore... She held my hand and said "mum, you have to." More guilt followed... How could I put that on my daughter... As I went to sleep last night I promised myself today would be a better day... I'm trying hard to be thankful that last Friday was my final cycle of my challenging AC chemo, even if I still have 12 weekly taxols to go. 4/16 down means I'm a quarter of the way through. The quicker I start radiation the quicker life gets back to normal. Joey we are all walking the same challenging bc journey. Our journeys may take a different path but it is so important that we support each other and talk about our feelings. Your post has helped me enormously today when I was really struggling to stay positive. Now I know what I feel is normal. Thanks Mel xxx

Hi Joey Have just read your post with tears streaming down my face... Yesterday I was having a real " poor me" day. I went online to feel better as I always do.... I too felt dreadful guilt as I read posts about treatment finishing and wished that that was me... I text my friend saying " she's finished her treatment... I want that to be me." I felt very jealous and selfish. I broke down in a heap last night, crying and telling my 21 year old daughter that I couldn't do it anymore... She held my hand and said "mum, you have to." More guilt followed... How could I put that on my daughter... As I went to sleep last night I promised myself today would be a better day... I'm trying hard to be thankful that last Friday was my final cycle of my challenging AC chemo, even if I still have 12 weekly taxols to go. 4/16 down means I'm a quarter of the way through. The quicker I start radiation the quicker life gets back to normal. Joey we are all walking the same challenging bc journey. Our journeys may take a different path but it is so important that we support each other and talk about our feelings. Your post has helped me enormously today when I was really struggling to stay positive. Now I know what I feel is normal. Thanks Mel xxx