Guilt

Hi girls, I was very interested in reading your messages and they brought me back to my inner feelings a couple of years ago.

I was diagnosed in 2010 and my surgeon made two offers.  Lumpectomy and some of the glands removed or a full mastectomy and total gland removal.  I asked about the odds ... no guarantees with the lump and some gland removal but with the lot going there was only a 3% chance it might return providing it hadn't travelled.  I was 62 at the time and told the surgeon "take the lot".  It was the right decision for me and my wonderful partner supported my decision.

The prognosis was good, the cancer hadn't travelled and as a result  didn't need chemo or radiotherapy.  I'm on Arimidex for 5 years .. not really fussed on the side effects but don't like the alternative.

My breast care nurse would invite me to various functions, I'd see advertising pics of ladies wearing hats, turbans and wigs and I felt guilty.  I had no outward signs of cancer - effects of chemo etc - and felt guilty ("I can't go, these ladies are sick") and it really chewed me up.

I went through depression (and am still getting counselling though I'm coming through it all now).  I went to a BCNA Forum where Lyn Swinburn and Raeleen Boyle were speaking.  I was talking to Raeleen about how I was feeling and she was very forthright with me.  She told me to go home, stand in front of the mirror and take my shirt off .... I would notice something was missing.  I had a scar where my breast had been ..... a sign that I had been "sick", I had breast cancer and even though I did not need radical treatment was on medication.

That was  a turn around for me, I went to Community Liaison training in Melbourne and am now involved with media, community awareness, fundraising.  I have been asked why I do this, my answer is always "because I can, a lot can't".  I am cancer free and relatively healthy.  There is always that 3% in the back of my mind, but I don't dwell on it.  I have memos on the other side every 6 months and have regular blood tests and scans  As I said the medication knocks me around but as long as I know the reasons for the pain I'm fine.

I've been receiving counselling for the guilt-related depression for nearly a year and am seeing the lights at the end of the tunnel (as long as it's not a train coming in my direction I'll be fine LoL )

We have to remember that we don't choose cancer, it choses us and we are all affected in different ways.  The fact that you acknowledge your guilt/depression is a step in the right direction and is nothing to be ashamed of.  You would be more unhappy if you bottled your feelings inside.

Most importantly, look after yourself and do what is right for you.

Luv .. Shirl