Betrayal

Maybe write her a letter, Steph. And I mean write. By hand. Not email or text. Just don't post it for a couple of days until you are sure that you are capturing what has pissed you off (disregard of a specific request) rather than making it about her or giving her ammunition for the future. By that I mean don't attack her; just say you are disappointed that she ignored your request and that you are unhappy about the situation. That your feelings have been hurt. Leave any speculation about her motives or the ramifications of her actions out of it. If you still feel the same after you have reread it and passed the outraged stage--which can take a while--send it. Or burn it. Marg

@arpie - it’s always good to find the silver lining through all this. I hope your husband is doing well.

I think it should be our choice who knows definitely and she should be well aware how much telling him would hurt me. She was more than welcome to discuss it with her friends if she needed to vent - just not him - he has no empathy anyway!!  Hubby is quite angry at her and is going to tell her off - he saw how devastated I was. His words “she needs to know what she did is wrong and she can’t keep doing it - it has to stop”. 

We shall see. 

I held back from telling anyone other than my closest friends & family until after Christmas (diagnosed 4/12). I didn't want to spoil the day, the festive season, and by that time I knew that the cancer hadn't spread so I could be reassuring with the news. Plus my son turned 18 between my wide local excision and re-excision. There was no way I was going to spoil his day and party. One good friend was on the trip of a lifetime with her husband and children in France and the UK and I asked that the news be kept from her until she got back.

Lots of friends asked me if it was 'a secret'. My sister had placed enormous restrictions on what we could say about her health during her illness. Basically we were instructed to lie a great deal. It placed a great deal of strain on the family, especially my parents with whom she lived. I was determined to not repeat that, which is one of the reasons why I have been so open. So no, never a secret. I recognised that my friends would need to be open to seek their own support.

As with @"Kiwi Angel" - I only excluded those 2 (who also live many hundreds of miles away.)  I am totally with @Romla and you KiwiAngel  - this time, I let pretty well everyone else know pretty well straight away, cos when my husband was diagnosed with stomach cancer in 2010, he didn't want ANYONE to know - and that impacted SO badly on me!  I was taking him everywhere on my own, doing all the arranging without ANY support at all ..... and bursting into tears if I bumped into someone at the shops who asked the 'casual question' of "How are you Going?".  I then set up a 'bulk email' to keep everyone in touch with his diagnosis & what was happening, explaining that we may not be able to respond to every return email .....  After the surgery & Chemo, I got Keith his own iPad so that HE could reply to all the emails from family & friends (I'd been his social secretary for 9 months at that point!  LOL)

And - some good things can come out of a cancer episode ........ It was actually thru my husband's cancer that I took up ukulele again (I played it every so briefly back in 1970 before my sister left our boarding school & took it with her.) I found a neat banjo uke in a 2nd hand shop in North Sydney when visiting Keith's specialist - and bought it!  hehe - little would we know that it would end up dominating our lives - by me starting the Forster Jumping Fleas!!  LOL  And now - my uke buddies are amongst my best friends & supporters - especially since my diagnosis in early Jan - and 2 who had had BC were able to give me tips & info that helped me in the early days especially.  I've also been able to help support 3 members now, thru their own current cancer battles - and they feel totally at ease with talking to me about pretty well anything, in private or public.  I am so proud of them.  None of them could play an instrument before joining the group.  And here we are, entertaining others now.


 

The majority of people in my life know about what is going on with me as I have been very open with it. All my work colleagues know about it and we openly discuss it and I have openly posted on my social media about it so all my friends know, even some acquaintances at the local pub that we go to know about it as, like @Sister and @Romla I figure it is now part of my life and I shall be open about it. The only reason I didn’t want my BIL and his wife knowing is because we have been estranged from them for about 6 or 7 years and they are extremely nasty, toxic, unpleasant people who I could literally see saying “hope she dies” or “couldn’t happen to a nicer person”. The thought that they know everything about my pain and distress through this makes me feel absolutely sick and the fact that she was expressly told not to tell them because she knows how we feel and she has again gone and done this. I’m pretty easy going most of the time and roll with the punches but some things just really piss me off. She has been showing the neighbours photos of me in my wig, which asking me would of been nice but it’s not the end of the world and I really couldn’t care but because she doesn’t do anything and has nothing to talk about it’s like I’m her topic off conversation now so she is relevant 

I can understand not wanting to disclose to the world but I'm very much like @romla although I chose a slightly different method.  I just wanted to shut myself away when I was diagnosed so I asked close friends and family to spread the word and asked for privacy.  Then did the blog and sent the address out with help from those friends.  I just don't have the energy or interest in juggling secrets.  If anyone has an issue with my disease that is their problem - I can't deal with it.  The only concession I make is head covering when I'm out of the house and a prosthesis "in public" - that is more about being sensitive to my immediate family than me caring.  But that's me - everyone is entitled to their privacy.

I totally respect and understand your choice about disclosure of this hideous disease.I thought I’d risk it and say I chose a different path.

I chose to disclose it to those I dealt with on a daily basis simply and without fanfare.To me I felt it may encourage another person to have a mammogram and that whether I liked it or not it was now part of my life and I intended on getting on with my life treatment and all.

From past life experience - eg a horrific early menopause  when the subject was a state secret to be endured in silence and a terrible genetic disease kept a secret in my bil’sfamily - I formed the view that silence did more damage than good so when it is necessary or appropriate I choose to share .

I have drawn great strength from the sharing on here and the knowledge I am not alone.It lightens my load to see other bc people walking around my town as I know life goes on.

I think things kept hidden don’t bring solutions.I don’t share with many my innermost thoughts but my diagnosis , treatment I feel no shame in sharing.This bloody disease needs to be normalised so we can get on curing it.I don’t seek sympathy or hoopla just acceptance of who I am and where I’m at.

PS I too have  family issues that some of you have spoken of  but I figure that’s their problem not mine. Mind you it took some years and some heartache to get to that point. 

@arpie - thanks xoxoxox. So many of us have such similar stories!!

@"Kiwi Angel"  ... OMG!  I can feel your anger & pain  ..... Stupid bitch!   It was not her 'right' to tell anyone!  

Sadly, you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family!   :(    

I haven't told my stepsister or stepbrother's families for a variety of reasons - tho someone else 'outed me' on Facebook - but they either 'missed it' or didn't respond to it by choice.   I only wanted my close friends & family, who I knew would support me, to know .... 

Try not to let it get you down too much, difficult tho it is, as she is your hubby's mother - just ignore the silence or lack of contact .... because that is YOUR choice, not hers.

haha Most have a 'golden child' .... my stepmother thought her son was the best - but all I saw was someone sucking her dry of money without repaying it, avoiding family responsibilities (my siblings & I were more attentive to her day - day needs & 'handyman requirements' but rarely was compensated) ..... 

BIG HUGS coming your way xxxxx

@MoiraC most definitely, much better for my mental state than dealing with an immature woman who is 73. I have enough to deal with without taking onboard her crap xoxxo