Forum Discussion
A blue day.
Hi my Pink Sisters.
I am sitting out in the sun this morning reflecting on this past year. On a lovely day like this I should be happy. I thought I'd be well on the way to feeling 'normal' again by now but I don't. Guess I feel a bit depressed today and perhaps the last few days. I am so sick of being sore and so so tired all the time. My nightly needles hurt like hell and it really puts a dampener on my days no matter how 'up' I feel. The alarm goes off at 8.30pm and I just sink. The Femara I think is making my joints stiff and aching and it's hard to move after I've been still for a time. Hard to get out of bed. I wake up feeling like I've seized up. The rest of my toe nails are falling off so I can't wear open toed shoes. I'm uncomfortable wearing my normal clothes (usually jeans and Tshirts) because my tummy wound is still very sore. I'm unmotivated to do anything. I am feeling sorry for myself and I know I shouldn't be. I know there are a lot of people worse off than me but I can't help it right now. I'm just miserable. I woke up at 4am last night and just cried. I'm so frustrated with this whole business.
My Onc said last Wednesday at my review appt that things should settle down in 12 to 18 months. I was so upset at that because I've already gone through the worse year of my life. People have said to me "well next year you'll be fine" and I believed them but now I'm not so sure. It makes me shudder thinking I'll be on the Femara for 5 possibly 10 years. I want my quality of life back. My hair is growing back but it's totally grey. It's greyer than my 77 year old mother's. I'm not ready for that. I feel like what was left of my 'youth' has been snatched away and I'm old before my time.
Ladies I am writing to get this crap off my chest and somewhere in there I know I'll feel better soon but not now. It's sometimes hard to live up to others expectations. They expect me to be back to normal now enjoying my "time off work". They say the worse is behind me and maybe it is but I don't see clear light yet. I'm still in the tunnel. Sometimes I move closer to the end but then I'm pulled back a way. I guess it's that old saying "two steps forward one step back".
Thanks for listening.
Janey xxx
32 Replies
- Oh Janey. You are also one of the wonderful ladies who helped me when I first joined. You encouraged me, you inspired me and helped me get through those terrible first weeks. Now it's my turn to give you a massive (gentle) hug and be there for you as best I can. You are a very loved lady and we will be here to help you get out of that tunnel. Jodie xxxx
- It's quite normal to have these feelings. It's called the roller coaster. Just look at that lovely photo of you and your hubby and take heart.
- Oh Tonya. You make me laugh. That's the best medicine isn't it. I must remember to keep my sense of humour. I will endure. Love ya Janey xxx
Just wallow in it for how ever many days you need! It's not just the last 8 weeks you are trying to get over-it's the whole year.You've been bombarded girl!! You would have lost alot of blood during that huge operation you had so that would make you tired-takes awhile for your iron levels to come back up.Now you have Femara to deal with and that drug is hard on your joints -so everyone tells me.You are also still dealing with chemo aftermath and what it does to your hair and nails,not to mention self esteem.Now you have to thin your blood and jab yourself. That's a hell of alot to be coping with.I reckon I'd be curled up in the foetal position by now if it was me.What the heck,break open that Italian bottle now! You are only human and can only take so much - so best to cry so you don't crack.Don't be ashamed to vent or whinge here cos we've all had a turn and it helps to be listened to and validated.Looks like your dark tunnel is abit longer than you thought but we get used to the goal posts being moved on us don't we.It's the nature of the bc beast! sending hugs,Tonya xx
- Too many fingers used to push this reply, hey!
- I'm glad that I can let you know that we are all fragile at times so it's all right to be down. My husband just said the same thing to me. I will bounce back very soon. I'm not going to let this get me down for too long. I'd rather smile than cry. Too many face muscles are used to cry. LOL Love Janey xxx
- I'm glad that I can let you know that we are all fragile at times so it's all right to be down. My husband just said the same thing to me. I will bounce back very soon. I'm not going to let this get me down for too long. I'd rather smile than cry. Too many face muscle to cry. LOL Love Janey xxx
- I'm glad that I can let you know that we are all fragile at times so it's all right to be down. My husband just said the same thing to me. I will bounce back very soon. I'm not going to let this get me down for too long. I'd rather smile than cry. Love Janey xxx
- You're right. It's hard to see myself as anything but a cancer patient when looking in the mirror. I used to have people say that to me too that I looked too young to have grown up children. Well I suppose that in ten years time they could not say that anymore to me anyway and this has just hastened it on. I will just have to suck it up that I am not the same as before and will never be. But that doesn't mean I will be worse and I will try and be better if I can. I owe it to myself and my family. It's just been a bit hard lately that's all. I will bounce back again. Love Janey xxx
- Sorry you are having a blue day. I think we keep ourselves going with this idea that one day we will be 'over' it and feel normal again. I remember the surgeon telling me that it would be 12 months before I would feel anywhere near normal. I find now (I had my last chemo 19 Sept) that I have quite a lot of moments where I feel normal, until I look in the mirror. Then I see a mostly bald, patchy eyebrowed, eyelashless version of me! Definitely not the normal me! I feel that people treat me differently too. I am pretty sure they think I am older than before. I used to have people say that I did not look old enough to have grown up children. No one has said that since I lost my hair! Every now and then it just gets too much to stay positive hanging out for that magical day when we will look and feel like we want to. You do start to wonder if it will ever happen. One of the firemen that attended the fire at my sister's house yesterday turned out to be an old friend of my Dad. He told me that his wife had breast cancer at 47 like me. She had 6 months of chemo and 6 weeks of radiation also. She is now 65 and fitter than he is! He looked pretty fit to me, so I guess I'll hang onto that hope that one day in the future I will feel and look better too! Sending a hug your way and keeping my fingers crossed that we all feel better soon. Deanne xxxxxooooo
