Forum Discussion
What NOT to say to people affected with breast cancer
In 2013, a journalist called breast cancer the "sexy" cancer. What they meant is that breast cancer is a cause that people get behind in a big way compared to other cancers and diseases. Nevertheless, this is an extremely insensitive way to refer to breast cancer. As our members said, there's nothing sexy about cancer. The flippant statement also ignores the history of breast cancer treatment and the hard work that women have done to reduce the historical stigma and improve care.
In the thread linked above, @onemargie said, "We should all write down our what not to say to cancer patients..." and I thought that was a great idea! Last December, we created 31 acts of kindness for supporting someone with breast cancer, which was widely downloaded and circulated. Here's another chance to create another great resource featuring the real life experiences of people affected by breast cancer.
Share your stories below!
What should people NOT say to someone who has been diagnosed with breast cancer or is living with metastatic breast cancer?
In the thread linked above, @onemargie said, "We should all write down our what not to say to cancer patients..." and I thought that was a great idea! Last December, we created 31 acts of kindness for supporting someone with breast cancer, which was widely downloaded and circulated. Here's another chance to create another great resource featuring the real life experiences of people affected by breast cancer.
Share your stories below!
What should people NOT say to someone who has been diagnosed with breast cancer or is living with metastatic breast cancer?
61 Replies
- LMFAO @Cosette_BCNA APRICOT KERNELS!!I've heard weed shrinks tumors and frankincense helps heal in unspecific ways (does smell amazing though) but good grief. Oh guys, know what obviously cures cancer, those stringy bits of banana, big pharma's totally hiding that though. :lol:
- Yep, yep and yep.
Terribly tempting seeing that thread to comment on it. The thing is, I have only told people about my recurrence individually; if they haven't seen or contacted me in the last six months or so there is a good chance they won't have found out through social media.
You can tinker with your privacy settings, but if you comment on a thread like this and haven't already 'outed' yourself...
Another thing I don't need is 'Why didn't you tell me, I'm so upset' from someone who is an old school friend or ex colleague who I haven't spoken to in years.
Just sayin'... - BCNA's social media team posted about this on Facebook. In the comments, people have been sharing their own stories. There are some doozies. You don't have to be a Facebook member to read them. And if you are on Facebook, like our page ;)
See it here: http://bit.ly/2pER9G8 - One of the nicest things said to me was from a group of girlfriends I work with. When I told them my diagnosis they said "you are not alone in this, we are all here with you". They gave me my space but picked me up for a coffee/dinner or simply phoned to say they were thinking of me and could they do anything.
As others have said (except for the handful of completely insensitive, ignorant fools!) most people don't know what to say and default to telling us to be positive and strong. Jane xx - Nice change of gear there @Nadi! One of the nicest things for me was when a group of my girlfriends took me out for dinner and said "you can't say NO...what can we do to help you?" They came up with a food bank...about 20 girls cooking for the boys and I for weeks after my mastectomy. Then they doubled the commitment after my recent DIEP reconstruction. I am so indebted to them - it has meant all we have to do is reheat a yummy meal when the very last thing I can contemplate (or have energy to do) is cook xxxx
- Also have to add the best thing anyone ever said to me was "I don't know what to say. I am so sorry you have to go through this. I wish I could offer you some kind of comfort. Can I give you a hug?" That was from a female work colleague. Out of everything everyone ever said, I found this to be the most comforting because it was honest, real and thoughtful.
- I do get tired of the "just be positive, that is the key to fighting cancer" and the "you will be fine" lines said brightly and dismissively.
Mostly it is from people who just want to say something helpful, so I try to be understanding about it.
My classic was from my very long term friend who I thought was being super supportive when I was diagnosed, when I told her that the pathology after surgery was not good and I now had to have chemo therapy and go back for a mastectomy, I told her what the chemo regime was (FEC X 3 and D X 3 ) and was told
" well, you are getting off easy with it then"
I was quite shocked.
This was from someone had had previously been telling me how supportive she had been to another friend going through chemo for Hodgkin's lymphoma. - I had so called friends who didn't know what to say ... they said nothing. NOTHING! Even sitting with them in a beanie, no hair and no eyebrows .. they said nothing. I felt alienated and withdrew because I thought that I made them feel awkward. They knew I had cancer but no one really wanted to mention it. I would rather someone say something, even if it's the wrong thing. Most people don't know what to say and what they do say is generally something they say to try and make you feel better. Not everyone is trying to be insensitive and not everyone is given the 'right' things to say. Most people mean well and sometimes you just have to let things go in one ear and head straight out the other.
- Ain't that the truth! At least as far as they "you'll be fine, you're a fighter" stuff goes (some of the rest is just awful). That's why I didn't mind when people said that sort of thing to me, it was well intended. It was my perceptions that had changed.
- The worst thing is...when I was a "normal" person, I can remember saying/doing most of those things!
