Forum Discussion
Stop The Bullshit!!
I am so glad I got to 5 years, and I am hoping to another! My breast cancer was trying to kill me! I fought hard, but I also recall the moments where I caved and wished I would die!
Every one around me tried to shower me with fairy floss and cotton wool, and sugar coated BS!!.... "You'll be fine Gayle! You'll beat this! Stay strong and stay positive!!" :smile: ... I was positive! I was positive I had a cancer that was killing me and I was going to die! I hated all that happy cheery shit! Because as much as I took it in, I'd go home to my lonely bed ( hubby slept in another room to give me space to throw up! ) and hug my bucket, and my pink blanky ( Thanks to my cancer care nurse ), and I would cry my eyes out! No one could convince me otherwise. My bloods hadn't changed, my body was failing on me! I would cower down in the shower, pushing my shit down the plug hole because I couldn't control the body fluids, my nose would poor blood, I'd vomited so much I got a hernia! My heart pounded out of my chest, and I still have it after 5 years, a weak heart muscle that gets hiccups... my liver is on the border of failure, but I drink alcohol later in the day to turn my head off! .... I am not my friend, who had both small breasts off, went through a milder form of chemo, no radiation, and can run a marathon every month, paddle board on the lake, ride a skinny bike in a race.... I am not her.... I am 15kg heavier and can't shake that spare tyre around my middle. I am lop sided with an annoying prosthetic boob in my bra, I am the wife who hides from her loving husband who turns away when I undress anyway, who no longer wants to race me off to the bedroom, or do me on a kitchen chair like we use to! I am the wife who catches him looking at nice perky breasts, and just laughs it off!! ( Damn the weather girl!!) .... I am the woman who hates what happened just as my life was going to be amazing!! I am the unemployed, unemployable due to "medical background risk" ... I am a realist!! .... But I am still alive and breathing, and I will still soldier on!!
Every one around me tried to shower me with fairy floss and cotton wool, and sugar coated BS!!.... "You'll be fine Gayle! You'll beat this! Stay strong and stay positive!!" :smile: ... I was positive! I was positive I had a cancer that was killing me and I was going to die! I hated all that happy cheery shit! Because as much as I took it in, I'd go home to my lonely bed ( hubby slept in another room to give me space to throw up! ) and hug my bucket, and my pink blanky ( Thanks to my cancer care nurse ), and I would cry my eyes out! No one could convince me otherwise. My bloods hadn't changed, my body was failing on me! I would cower down in the shower, pushing my shit down the plug hole because I couldn't control the body fluids, my nose would poor blood, I'd vomited so much I got a hernia! My heart pounded out of my chest, and I still have it after 5 years, a weak heart muscle that gets hiccups... my liver is on the border of failure, but I drink alcohol later in the day to turn my head off! .... I am not my friend, who had both small breasts off, went through a milder form of chemo, no radiation, and can run a marathon every month, paddle board on the lake, ride a skinny bike in a race.... I am not her.... I am 15kg heavier and can't shake that spare tyre around my middle. I am lop sided with an annoying prosthetic boob in my bra, I am the wife who hides from her loving husband who turns away when I undress anyway, who no longer wants to race me off to the bedroom, or do me on a kitchen chair like we use to! I am the wife who catches him looking at nice perky breasts, and just laughs it off!! ( Damn the weather girl!!) .... I am the woman who hates what happened just as my life was going to be amazing!! I am the unemployed, unemployable due to "medical background risk" ... I am a realist!! .... But I am still alive and breathing, and I will still soldier on!!
24 Replies
- Nadi said:Who says we have to be positive all the time? We have the right to crack the s***s every once in a while. God how I hated it when people said "be 'positive' and you will beat this". Bulldust. Being positive doesn't have anything to do with curing cancer, if it did it would have been the cheapest easiest fix around and they'd be booking us into club meds and yoga sanctuaries rather than operating theatres and chemo units. While I am so sorry you have to go through this, I loved your post and felt like this forum was your own punching bag. Punch away Gayle. PUNCH, PUNCH, PUNCH. Get it out. I'll even hold the bag for you. We can take it and hopefully it will make you feel a bit better, even if only for a little while...
HUGS
Nadine
Thankyou sweetheart!! ... you punch on also ;) xxxx - adean said:Nothing like a reality check . Well done because not everyone has a good ride and god its bloody hard to be positive all the time when for some de as th is a reality. None of us know which card we will get but we are all here for a reason and thats to share. Thanks for your share. XxxadeanGlemmis said:I agree Nadi, I hated all that rubbish about being positive & strong & made to feel guilty when I wasn't. I think it just helps our family & friends to deal with it when we are. I lost it so many times & cried a lot & then steadily felt better as time went on. Everyone has different ways of handling it & should be allowed to feel whatever they want without other people's opinions.
THANKYOU!!! You get it!!... They tell men to cry!! Yet if we BC women ( and men ) do, we are told to be strong! NO! We are Mums, we run households, some of us single handed! We are reliant on a job for income! We socialise! We run a committee!, We travel for what ever reason! And then oneday.... it's all gone!! No matter how much we tell ourselves that we will be able to juggle life and cancer... no, it doesn't happen that way. Prior to my BC, I watched a news clip about a model who refused to have her breasts off, and said she needed them for her income... and she had a little boy. I thought how selfish! She would rather risk it spreading because her boobs were her life!!... Sadly she didn't make it, and left her 6 yr old with family he didn't really know! .... We can either choose to deny and ignore, or we just give in and ride that bitch to the end, good, or bad, either way, our life becomes not our, we lose control over everything! - TonyaM said:Hi Gayle, I remember being online with you years ago.You had a crappy time with chemo and its aftermath- not to mention all the other health issues you have to deal with. Some days are just bad days aren't they.I hear you about the mastectomy blues.I don't undress in front of my hubby either- now that would really be a passion killer! ( in my mind anyway) But we are still ok in that department. My gut and liver aren't quite the same since treatment.I stopped Tamoxifen after 4 years cos I was getting so many health problems. My oncologist suggested it was me just aging! Ofcourse he would!! Well Gayle,you are in good company here with us disfigured, decrepit and broken bodied women. But our spirits are strong and feisty- don't lose that darl.xxx
Hi Tony! It has been a longtime, and I have actually been really good...in between... lol I just had enough of days feeling great, then wake up feeling like Ive had chemo!! ,,, That whole dry sticky mouth, dry sore eyes, weird kind of spaced out tired feeling, and flat as a pancake! ... I actually read something about certain long term chemo drugs attaching themselves to blood cells, just some, and that's why we feel shit. Every now and then it's like a period cycle. I strongly believe this! - We get it. Here is our haven where we can have a rant and help each other. I went to a BNCA seminar with over 100 breast cancer survivors and it was just heaven to speak one on one with some of them. The more you talk the better understanding of each other we have. <3
- Hi Gayle, I remember being online with you years ago.You had a crappy time with chemo and its aftermath- not to mention all the other health issues you have to deal with. Some days are just bad days aren't they.I hear you about the mastectomy blues.I don't undress in front of my hubby either- now that would really be a passion killer! ( in my mind anyway) But we are still ok in that department. My gut and liver aren't quite the same since treatment.I stopped Tamoxifen after 4 years cos I was getting so many health problems. My oncologist suggested it was me just aging! Ofcourse he would!! Well Gayle,you are in good company here with us disfigured, decrepit and broken bodied women. But our spirits are strong and feisty- don't lose that darl.xxx
- Nothing like a reality check . Well done because not everyone has a good ride and god its bloody hard to be positive all the time when for some de as th is a reality. None of us know which card we will get but we are all here for a reason and thats to share. Thanks for your share. Xxxadean
- primek said:Oh Gawd your time on chemo sounds horrendous. But look at you ...a Survivor and certainly a fighter. I hope that now you get some joy back in your life and look forward to many more years with some fun in your future.
Is it time to think reconstruction so that you feel comfortable in your own skin? Just reading between the lines here. It might be the right time to consider those options now you know you are going to be around to enjoy them . :)
And yes chemo sucks ...but friggin cancer sucks more. Take that B! tch ...another one you failed to get.
Look forward to reading many more posts.
Kath x
Unfortunately I had to have a lot of tissue removed, so I am pretty much down to the rib cage. I'm 52, my body can't take anymore pain. But thanks for reading xxx - I agree Nadi, I hated all that rubbish about being positive & strong & made to feel guilty when I wasn't. I think it just helps our family & friends to deal with it when we are. I lost it so many times & cried a lot & then steadily felt better as time went on. Everyone has different ways of handling it & should be allowed to feel whatever they want without other people's opinions.
- Who says we have to be positive all the time? We have the right to crack the s***s every once in a while. God how I hated it when people said "be 'positive' and you will beat this". Bulldust. Being positive doesn't have anything to do with curing cancer, if it did it would have been the cheapest easiest fix around and they'd be booking us into club meds and yoga sanctuaries rather than operating theatres and chemo units. While I am so sorry you have to go through this, I loved your post and felt like this forum was your own punching bag. Punch away Gayle. PUNCH, PUNCH, PUNCH. Get it out. I'll even hold the bag for you. We can take it and hopefully it will make you feel a bit better, even if only for a little while...
HUGS
Nadine - Oh Gawd your time on chemo sounds horrendous. But look at you ...a Survivor and certainly a fighter. I hope that now you get some joy back in your life and look forward to many more years with some fun in your future.
Is it time to think reconstruction so that you feel comfortable in your own skin? Just reading between the lines here. It might be the right time to consider those options now you know you are going to be around to enjoy them . :)
And yes chemo sucks ...but friggin cancer sucks more. Take that B! tch ...another one you failed to get.
Look forward to reading many more posts.
Kath x
