Letting go of being superwoman!

Women shouldn't also feel guilty if they choose to support a husband who has a high powered career and they choose to be the homemaker, and either by choice and chance did not have biological children.  Often real choices are  not always as easy as we would like, and we are also subject to circumstances, male and female included.  I don't see it all about womens rights, we can't just have a monopoly and choose everything to our own liking.  I am totally against abortion, and I will always be outspoken about that, even if it offends people!

Such an emotive and heartfelt  comment you have made @FLClover and so privileged you shared it here with us.  When you are in a one parent family you are the WORLD to your child, and you just want to protect them and raise them.  It is more than twice as hard to be a single parent and keep all the cogs ticking over, and all by yourself.  I take my hat off to you, as I also realize just how difficult it can, and I never would have realized unless I also walked this same path myself.  Money isn't everything, your health and nurturing your child are more important than meeting government requirements.  You can be the parent, don't let them tell you otherwise, and I can guarantee if your child go astray, you will be blamed for being out in the workforce and not looking after the children.  Seen it before!

It is probably about time our society needs to value the role of motherhood, whether a single parent household or two parent household.

Very similar indeed @Cath62. Your early childhood incident definitely set that pattern in your mind of needing to take care of everyone else first. And at such a young age!! 😲😢. It’s so sad to read, yet so many women have similar stories. And just continue to suffer in silence instead of seeking a way out, because it seems so helpless. And then you get the burnout, and then the disease ☹️. I was also diagnosed almost 2 years after I had my burnout and quit my job. And it took almost 3 years to stop feeling guilty about not working, despite the burnout, panic attacks and breast ca diagnosis and surgery/treatment during those 3 years! 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️. Unbelievable! You could be hobbling around, dragging your limbs and still feel guilty for not working and helping others! It’s just wrong. So wrong. Everything needs to be in moderation, and that includes work and helping, but it isn’t. 

I think it’s true that many women following a breast cancer diagnosis re assess their priorities and try and cut out stuff they can and focus on the things that are important.
For me it was the ability to say “ no” to things that I simply no longer had the energy or appetite for.
I sometimes explain to people ( if I feel like it) that the drugs I am in to hopefully stop the cancer coming back knock me around a bit or some  times I just say “no “ without any more.
I was one of those people who always ended up volunteering my time for free and I simply don’t have the energy any more.
I think a brush with your mortality does that.
🌺

@Cath62 I so hear you!  So pleased you are now getting plenty of self care. Nice you are able to share some of your story here also.

I was hoping some would respond to this thread and some of our stories could be shared, and those not comfortable sharing may also know they are not alone.  Sometimes we find some pearls of wisdom in others stories.  

Wow @FLClover,

 I so relate to your story. I was the eldest child. My dad worked away as a salesman and I missed him so much. He did that in my early childhood. 

When I was 4, my mum and 2 sisters and I had a very bad car accident. My mum and baby sister were injured so badly. My mu..lost the use of her right arm for a year. Ad a 4 yr old I did ironing and made lunch for my mum and sisters. Mum would tell me how to make sandwiches. 

I guess my childhood set up that need to do everything, look after everyone, except me. It was just how it was and then the pattern was set for my life. Well until that burnout happened and I wasn't able to go on.

 I left work in June of 2019 after using up my leave to take care of sick parents and a very sick son. I was diagnosed with bc on 30 April 2020. 

I worked hard for the house, my son's schooling etc etc. Now all I care about is my health and happiness. 

I always ate healthy but I cut my drinking down lots. I put my exercise and meditation first before anything else. I pace myself with what I do and rest when I need to. I still sometimes feel guilty not doubt things but I am getting better at letting that go. 

If I could have written to my younger self I would have said to work less, ask for help and do plenty of self care. Peace of mind is my success these days not 'stuff' or senior positions. 

My first career was as a nurse. I sat with many who died and I guarantee no one ever talked about the need to work more but everyone talks about wishing they had more time with those they love. Lucky I have woken up to myself. 🙏

@FlClover thankfully I have always enjoyed the homemaker part in my life, so now I am in my element!  There is something special in running a household and looking after those you love.  :)

@Keeping_positive1 I agree that being kind to ourselves isn’t that either. When I was working, trying to find time for my hair just seemed more stressful than anything else. I didn’t even enjoy it because of how tired I was, and it was a nuisance finding someone to look after/pick up daughter from school when I did go. And it was just becoming so obvious to me that those things you mentioned, such as yoga, gym, massages etc, should be the norm in every day life, not considered a treat! And yet I couldn’t even allow myself those things half the time as a treat! To me, self care these days is making sure my soul is happy. And my soul is happy when it’s not overworked and stressing about money. And when it doesn’t have to work its butt off for an unappreciative and condescending boss. I hope we find the answer. We shouldn’t have to suffer any illness of any kind. It’s not the purpose of being on this planet. 

@June1952 @Cath62 I didn’t have my mum home all the time as she had to work hard too, especially after we moved to Australia when I was little. My older sister and I had to look after our 2 younger siblings. I missed having my mum home so much! I just wanted her to be there to talk to, and to provide tea as mentioned or a snack. I needed her comfort but didn’t get it. So I’ve had a void my whole life. I’m trying hard not to make my daughter feel the same, but it’s exactly what was happening while I was working. I was watching history repeat itself. My mum got bipolar, I got breast ca. I wanted to cry every time I dropped my daughter off at child care at 6:30am. She was the first and last one there at one stage. Very distressing. One day I just thought enough! I didn’t have a child so that other people raise her. And despite being a feminist, as I mentioned, I realised staying home to look after my daughter didn’t mean I was failing or unsuccessful. I realised for me being a feminist meant getting equality in all areas, and being respected for raising children properly, which is one of the hardest jobs there is. So I put my daughter and myself first and quit my job. We also don’t have a lot, but we definitely have enough! We have plenty that brings us joy and makes us happy every day. And that’s all I need. My career will have to wait til she’s grown up, and til I get to work under my conditions. So working full time and being a full time mum, in my opinion, is not the best choice. Kudos to whoever can do it, but I believe it catches up with you eventually. And this money driven society, of always needing to have the most recent or modern or updated version of everything...don’t even get me started. People are too busy buying the latest model of whatever to realise how miserable they really are. Sad. I hope it changes 🤞🤞🤞. 

@FLClover reading your above comment has brought tears to my eyes and brought back some memories of my own also.  I also was burnt out to the point of feeling quite numb and just going through the motions of my busy lifestyle.  It was a rude awakening to get cancer and be forced to slow down, and I too had the worry of a mortgage to pay on my own.  Cancer taught me that enough was enough, I want to get off the merry go round, and I did!  I now lead a simple life and I am much happier. 

Finding peace is a good place to be, and I wish that for all women who are struggling with self esteem.