Forum Discussion

Brownowl's avatar
Brownowl
Member
5 years ago

Dealing with unhelpful comments

Hello everyone 

I’m just reaching out to see if anyone has some wise words on how to deal with the less supportive people in your life. 

After a great day yesterday with amazing friends my in-laws decided to pay a visit. They come with their own issues and challenges which the family have grown to deal with in their own way (positive and negative). 

But today my father in law abruptly asked in front of the group (namely my husband and 7 year old daughter) “so what’s your prognosis?”. I’m not sure what I was expected to say. 

I’ve been diagnosed with metastatic IBC but have been responding really well to my therapy so far and we’re seeing results which we were happily chatting about. My daughter was upset by this discussion. 

Quite upset I just went up to bed claiming fatigue but cried for the rest of the visit. My husband who has been on the brunt of this for most of his life was very supportive thank god. 

I know everyone deals with things differently and we don’t always say the wrong things but this completely flawed me and put me back a few steps emotionally. 

Thanks for listening xo 
coping
depression
family
metastatic-breast-cancer
relationships
  • AllyJay's avatar
    AllyJay
    Member
    5 years ago
    My step father suffered from foot-in-mouth disease....If ever there was a wrong thing to say, you could be sure it would be him. Once he put me in a similar situation in a social setting (not regarding cancer, but another medical issue), so I flipped the tables on him. He had recently had prostate surgery so I replied (in a carrying voice)..."Well I'm tired about talking about my medical problems, how have you been since your prostatectomy? Have you had any issues with impotence or incontinence at all?" Needless to say that shut him up...quick smart. However it must be said, I detested the man and wasn't worried about any future relationship as we were about to move to Australia. In your case, I would ask your husband to point out that discussing your possible demise (in a round about way) is not entirely a suitable conversation to have in front of the seven year old daughter of the person in question...you. If ever there was an award of The Most Insensitive Comment Ever...he would get a "distinguished" medal. What a prat.
  • Sister's avatar
    Sister
    Member
    5 years ago
    People don't always say things the best way but in this situation, it may be worth having a chat to them when you're calmer or your husband doing so.  You can move on (and you will) but it's very difficult to do that if your daughter (their grand-daughter) is also upset.  I don't know the people obviously but it could be that your in-laws are worried and sometimes people just blurt out whatever is on their mind without thought.  
  • Afraser's avatar
    Afraser
    Member
    5 years ago
    Dear @Brownowl

    You clearly have some good understanding of the way in which your in laws navigate the issues in their lives. It’s not your way. The clash is likely be difficult but it may also be occasioned by ingrained patterns of behaviour rather than ill will. You have every right  to tell them how you want your situation and treatment to be discussed - or not discussed. You have every right to limit your exposure to your in-laws if they don’t respect your wishes. There is however a good chance that if you give them a clear understanding of how you want to be treated, they will do so. Awkwardness can make people seem insensitive and thoughtless. Worth a shot anyway. Most of all it’s their problem, not yours. Don’t take It on board. Best wishes.