Something I was not prepared for post breast reconstruction, are the judgmental comments the scar on my belly is attracting.I have been undergoing abdominal ultrasounds to try and figure out the problems I am having with my period.The ultrasound people keep referring to the scar on my belly as a "tummy tuck". I've even been asked "why have you had a tummy tuck?" I have a lot of scars on my body. I am proud of every one of them. They are proof of all the crap I have been through with Hodgkin's lymphoma and breast cancer. None of these scars attract the same judgment and comments as the one on my belly.I have not had a tummy tuck! I had a bilateral skin sparing mastectomy and DIEP flap reconstruction! I was in surgery for 9 hours! I was in hospital for 7 days! I was off work for 10 weeks! I chose to undergo this surgery to remove breast cancer and reduce the risk of recurrence and death!!!!!! I was so SCARED going into that surgery!!This was no FUCKING tummy tuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have found the majority of medical related staff to be highly professionaland thoughtful. But not all. Occasionally you hit someone who either failed to engage their brain before opening their mouth or whothinks seeing your body entitles them to make uninformed comments on it. You do everyone else a favour by commenting, politely of course, on the inappropriateness of their comments. They may think twice next time. Deep breath!

Hi @Dh5Wy83, most people mean well but don't always get everything right. I can understand someone doing an ultrasound asking if your scar related to a tummy tuck especially if they can't see your entire body or chest. They don't know what they don't know. Perhaps they could have asked what they scar related to instead. Maybe they could have said nothing. It is possible perhaps that they were trying to understand the scar tissue and what it was from so they could report properly for your ultrasound report. Our scars are sensitive to us and they tell our story. I have so many scars from various surgeries you could play snakes and ladders on my body. I don't worry about the comments anymore but it took me all my years to date to get to that point. Best thing to do when people are inappropriate is to be as nice as possible and explain politely and they will hopefully learn something from you.

I'm tired of having to be polite.I am tired of having to be the person who is always understanding of other people and their feelings. I am tired of having to deal with "well meaning people". It's exhausting!All I feel like doing is crying and screaming from the top of my lungs.

If they have got foot in mouth disease, they may very well not know, so you can "politely" tell them it isn't "polite" to assume because you see a scar on my tummy, that I have had a tummy tuck! When we are not well, we are vulnerable, tired and weak and often we are "more" polite because we don't have the energy nor inclination to correct people the same way we may when we are not in a vulnerable position, I get that! But if these comments are happening quite a bit to you @Dh5Wy83 be prepared with a response. It is OK to tell them what the scar is from, because after all they are doing the tests and want to know what he scar is a result of, unfortunately they have jumped to conclusions which is not professional at all. All the tests you are having are exhausting, so also give yourself some grace, and try not to let their comments get to you. You have been through a lot and I hope you get to the bottom of your health concerns soon and get the treatment you need very soon.

@Cath62 I wonder how uncomfortable that stupid girl would have felt if you had replied............ Oh Der!Some can be either condescending or just plain stupid, couldn't she see what you had already been through? Good you gave her the death stare. I have mammograms yearly now, so I am very, very polite to the mammo lady who is about to squash my boobs between the plates..... heehee :) I am getting better at choosing my battles :)

Insulting and Judgmental Comments

22 Replies

241023
Member
4 months ago
@Abbydog, one of my friend whom I met post active treatment- he said " so, you had the surgery for breast cancer, is that mean you have biggest boobs?".
I was upset but I laughed it off and told him- " you had not change past 22 years".
People may not understand what you are going through but what I can see, you are making a step and please keep going because that I am hoping for myself.
I send my regards to you.
241023
Member
4 months ago
I am so sorry for what happened to you, I would be so furious and be what I am... (not so civilised)
There are many people and environment like that- I am trying to think as "equilibrium" when I face not so good people.
If you had not so positive side so far- hanging in there it will come to you because the universe will balance it out.
When some people being not so understanding, dont worry it is not worthy of your time and stress.
Abbydog
Member
5 months ago
My sister wasn't thinking, when i told her about my Breast Reconstruction.
She said oh your getting a boob job.
Some people, Including me, sometimes just don't think.
kiwisandy
Member
6 months ago
Hi @klf
I read your comments last night and they have been playing on my mind. I too have had several comments from well meaning friends, “ you’re so lucky you get a tummy tuck and new boobs at the end”. “You can buy a new wardrobe at the end of it”.
Funny, I don’t feel lucky to be going through a life changing traumatic (imo) experience of chemo, mastectomy and radiation. Like I’m going to be a new and improved woman at the end of it.

It really does make me angry, this is NOT a place any of us want to be and we have little choice, accept the treatment or suffer the consequences.

Wishing you well in your healing @klf.
Dh5Wy83
Member
7 months ago
@klf wishing you all the best with your surgery. Let us know how you go.
klf
Member
7 months ago
@Dh5Wy83 thank you so much for your response. I'm really glad to hear that the final results were worth everything you went through. And thank you for sharing all off this info, it's really helpful and I'm already feeling much better hearing that the outcome was positive after it being so hard to get through. It definitely sounds like a long and challenging recovery, particularly the adjustment to all the body changes. Thank you again and well done to you for dealing with all of that! Really appreciate your help.
Dh5Wy83
Member
7 months ago
@klf, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I am now 4 years post surgery and diagnosis. It is a pretty scary and overwhelming time when you are diagnosed with cancer. Even more so when you are waiting to undergo a surgical procedure that is as big as this.

I underwent a bilateral skin sparing mastectomy and immediate (DIEP) reconstruction. You are right, this is a big procedure and recovery is lengthy. Having said that, the final results are worth it. Post op, there was lots of bruising especially to my chest (I had two drain tubes in my chest and two drain tubes in my tummy. These were removed while I was in hospital). The bruising took a couple of months to resolve. Initially, the flap felt firm (not soft, squishy and jiggly like breast tissue) but became softer after a couple of months. I have a large scar from left hip to right hip and my poor belly button is very, very scarred. The scarring continues to improve and there is lots you can do to improve the look and feel of scar tissue. I wore surgical compression garments- a bra and undies (the undies look like super duper granny pants but are oh so comfy and supportive). I purchased these before going into hospital and started wearing these the day after the operation. I purchased these through Breast Care Victoria (the lady who runs this business is a breast care nurse). Once the wounds healed, my plastic surgeon recommended massaging the scars (tummy and chest) with moisturising cream (there are lots of products you can use so your plastic surgeon is the best person to guide you on what to use and when to start massaging your scars).

I think it is important to acknowledge that surgery for breast cancer changes how your body looks and feels. It is ok to give yourself permission to feel sad and to grieve that. I highly recommend the BCNA podcast that discusses body image and adjusting to changes in your body post surgery.
arpie
Member
7 months ago
SO sorry to hear of your recurrence @klf - if you copy most of your post & put it into the Newly Diagnosed Category - I think you'll get more dedicated replies to your story xx
take care & all the best xx
klf
Member
7 months ago
Hi @Dh5Wy83, I know this discussion is a bit old, but I wondered how you are feeling about your abdomen scar these days? I am getting the DIEP flap reconstruction in about 6 weeks time. I am pretty terrified, and very worried about the huge scar. I had a Stage 3 HER2+ cancer when I was 29. I did the full treatment and recovered. Now, 14 years later, I have 3 kids and was already on the waiting list for this surgery as a preventative, when I got another diagnosis. Stage 1 HER2- in the other breast. So I've now moved up the list for my surgery. My reasons for the DIEP are to also hopefully improve some incontinence by repairing the muscle separation from being pregnant. So, I have some good reasons for doing it this way, but it feels so extreme and I'm worried about the recovery. I hope you have been feeling happier about your body. Should I be worried about the recovery time? any tips?? thanks, klf.
Cath62
Member
3 years ago
Wow @Keeping_positive1 that was not the conversation to be having you hear while you are having chemo. Seriously wonder about people's emotional intelligence sometimes.