Dealing with unhelpful comments

Hi @Brownowl,

I had some shocking things said to me. I also had family not respecting my wishes for privacy and telling people about my cancer when I specifically asked them not too. With family I had to speak up, tell them how they hurt and betrayed me by not following my express wishes. We have worked through that now and it's ok. With some friends who said stupid things, some I had to say I needed space so I miminises my contact so I didn't hear the stupid comments. I did have a couple of people who I let drop off my friend circle. Other friends have been fabulous. The thing is this is your story, your life and you have the right to run your story the way you want to and what's best for you. Sone people will stay on the ride and others will drop off and you will meet new people through all this too. All said and done no one really knows how all this is and speaking up for yourself and letting people know what's ok and not ok is important especially if the people are to stay in your life. Best wishes x

Such questions can be meant well but it's quite draining, isn't it? Even without the faux pas of saying it in front of your daughter.  I got sick of 'my story' and the re-telling of it so referred all questions or discussions to my partner.  He knew everything so I got him to answer questions and I just drifted away.   :D   Even now that I'm out the other side I still feel the same.  I don't want to be the centre of attention, I don't want to talk about my personal health issues and I don't even really want to discuss cancer just because you heard I'd had it.  If I don't have my partner for backup I usually just say I really don't like talking about it and quickly change the subject to something upbeat and fun.  Really......we live with cancer, the threat of cancer returning, etc, we don't necessarily want it to be the focus of conversation as well.  And I thoroughly support was @Zoffiel suggested to say!!!

@Afraser Good point! I might try this. I’m not a fan of being the centre of attention so this could work well. Thank you. 😊

Talking about his health issues is probably a sure fire way of getting him to stop talking about yours! It’s surprising the number of people who have to get the focus of conversation back on themselves. More interesting to talk to someone else. 

@Zoffiel. 100%. Great responses. I’m going to have to practice a few in my downtime. (Not so) funnily enough, he has had a large number of health issues over the last few years. Meanwhile the “I’m so tired must rest...treatment” seems to bide me some sanity. 

Ha, @Brownowl .The most offensive, insensitive and invasive question, 'Whats your prognosis?'

My reply now? 'Better than yours if you don't learn some manners.'

I've trialled a few other responses. 'Are you actually asking me when I'm likely to die?' 'Whats yours? You really are quite old/overweight/hypertensive.'

Don't let the turkey's get you down. If all else fails, pull out the cancer privilege and tell them to fuck off home. Mxx

@Brownowl  ....   do something nice next time they come around.....  like LEAVE as they arrive!  ;)   That'll sort 'em!!

... My health and sanity’s priority at the moment. .... ABSOLUTELY - 100% - do what you have to do.

I think, going thru menopause early (mid 40s) has made me a more 'decisive' person - I just don't put up with the bullshit any more. ;)  I don't have to - and nor do you. xx  I hope your hubby pulls them up on this one & tells them to pipe down! ;) 

Thanks @arpie. Venting has helped immensely and sort my mind out a bit. Family was always going to be a bit of a minefield going through this but you do what you can do. I can relate. Going to protect my energy and do something nice next time they come around. My health and sanity’s priority at the moment. 

Well done, @AllyJay comeback!

Absolutely @Brownowl - what a complete prat. I am surprised his wife didn't jump in on him - but she is probably used to it!  He could have just said "How are you going?" That would have been acceptable.

Is your husband really close to his family? (Not everyone is!) Maybe get him to ride 'gunshot' & ask them to contact HIM if they are thinking of visiting & NOT to just drop in - EVER. That way he can say 'yay or nay' and pick the setting for the meeting.

My SIL is a total prat as well - she upset me greatly some time ago and we hate how argumentative & nasty she is to her husband (hubby's twin) even in our presence - so she hasn't been inside our house since then - nearly 10 years now.  We talk on the phone occasionally (when we have to) but I prefer to keep it to texts or emails as her 'chat' turns into 1hr!  Ho Hum!  Her husband (who also has dementia) comes up often with one of his sons (a 4hr trip each way) & we are organising that every 3-4 weeks now that hubby has been diagnosed with aggressive mets - but she will never step foot in our place (and preferably our town) again!  I don't lose any sleep over it.

Take care, I hope you are feeling better now, chatting about it & I hope you can find a solution xxx

Hi @Brownowl,

No good ideas here unfortunately. People say the darnedest things. I still think people are basically good and maybe the comment though clumsy and inappropriate came from a good place of wanting /hoping for good things for you.  

Had a good weep myself when a friend told me last night that if i was upset about something it was an opportunity for personal growth. Another friend tells woes like "daughter has in grown toenail" and then "and yes i know cancer is awful". Im at a loss.

Michele