Forum Discussion
Anniversary
Today is the first anniversary of my mammogram. I was pretty stony faced. Nine months before my sister had died from breast cancer and I was resentful of the inefficiency at the front desk, the pink positivity messages and images plastered everywhere, and the long wait, despite the fact I had an appointment. I was asked if I wanted to take part in a study comparing detection results between 2D and 3D mammograms. I'd be randomly assigned. Always happy to be part of a medical study I said yes. I got 2D.
It was a shabby shabby building, not a nice environment. The woman doing the mammogram was professional. Serious, but pleasant enough. She made small talk about kids, mine, hers. I get it, but I really didn't want to talk. I just wanted it over and done with, to get the hell out of that dingy place. The mammogram was uncomfortable but no more than that.
As I was getting dressed she said sorry, I just need to do one more. Why? The image is a bit blurred, it's not unusual, the plates might have shifted slightly. Bra off and back I went. After it was all done she wished me good luck. Why? With the teenagers she said. Oh yes, you too.
I left, recovered my mood and congratulated myself on getting it done, how efficient and good I am. Virtuous even...
The boob she re-imaged (blurred image my foot) was the right one with the tumour in it, and three weeks later I knew what the good luck wishes meant.
It's weird how the anniversaries of trauma are unsettling. I mean, time is a manmade construct and it's just another day determined by how long our planet takes to travel round the sun, right? I mentioned it to the psych on Thursday and she said the memories trigger our nervous systems to 'remember' as well, and we physically relive our response. I don't have trauma round that mammogram, but three weeks from now I won't be able to say 'this time last year I was happy' etc. My naive innocence was about to end and as I approach that time I am feeling unsettled by it.
I theory my life is better now. I'm certainly healthier with, as far as I'm aware, a body free of cancer. However in fact, I'm sadder, sorer, mutilated, diminished and more tired. It's difficult to feel it's a victory. I hope the second anniversaries are better than the first ones.
How are your anniversaries?
It was a shabby shabby building, not a nice environment. The woman doing the mammogram was professional. Serious, but pleasant enough. She made small talk about kids, mine, hers. I get it, but I really didn't want to talk. I just wanted it over and done with, to get the hell out of that dingy place. The mammogram was uncomfortable but no more than that.
As I was getting dressed she said sorry, I just need to do one more. Why? The image is a bit blurred, it's not unusual, the plates might have shifted slightly. Bra off and back I went. After it was all done she wished me good luck. Why? With the teenagers she said. Oh yes, you too.
I left, recovered my mood and congratulated myself on getting it done, how efficient and good I am. Virtuous even...
The boob she re-imaged (blurred image my foot) was the right one with the tumour in it, and three weeks later I knew what the good luck wishes meant.
It's weird how the anniversaries of trauma are unsettling. I mean, time is a manmade construct and it's just another day determined by how long our planet takes to travel round the sun, right? I mentioned it to the psych on Thursday and she said the memories trigger our nervous systems to 'remember' as well, and we physically relive our response. I don't have trauma round that mammogram, but three weeks from now I won't be able to say 'this time last year I was happy' etc. My naive innocence was about to end and as I approach that time I am feeling unsettled by it.
I theory my life is better now. I'm certainly healthier with, as far as I'm aware, a body free of cancer. However in fact, I'm sadder, sorer, mutilated, diminished and more tired. It's difficult to feel it's a victory. I hope the second anniversaries are better than the first ones.
How are your anniversaries?
194 Replies
- Thanks @arpie.
- WOW! Some very moving bits - it WILL get better, Kate .... I reckon once you've done your India trip, you'll have a whole new perspective again .... and you'll have a break from the AIs ... so hopefully a feeling of 'normal' again xx
- There with you @kmakm. Beautiful piece.
- @"Beryl C." @AllyJay Yes, it is a mourning. The old me is gone and I'm still looking over my shoulder at the wreckage, instead of forward at a new life. The thing is, I don't want to look forward at the new life because the old one was better. @SoldierCrab tells me that one day it will 'click' and I'll be good again. I know life is full of disappointments, and I've had my share, but this one, on the back of all the others, has me on the canvas unable to get up. I'll keep plodding, even when it's hard to see the point.
I love your ritual Beryl. There's something about a candle isn't there. I'm not religious but I appreciate the ceremony and spirituality of lighting a candle.
And that's a wonderful take on India! Have you been?
Ally, that's a marvellous piece on grief. I'll be reading it again and again. Thank you for posting it.
K xox - kmakm - not 'better' yet? I believe I will never be the person I was before diagnosis and I've given myself permission to be short tempered, irritable, a bit sad at times, to cancel meeting a friend because I'm too tired or not feeling social etc etc. I have developed a new habit, maybe its a ritual, I have a beautiful little statue in which I can place a tea candle - if I hear or see something beautiful, or for acts of kindness, I light a candle of thanks and appreciation. Today it was a butterfly on a flower in the back garden.I realised within the first few months after diagnosis, masectomy etc. that it was up to me, that I would let others know how I wanted to do this (its been seven years of ongoing treatment) but always with thanks. Find your own way, no one else will walk your path as well as you and isn't India the best place to affirm you, who you are now? One being in the midst of many, but each one precious and unique and 'doing' as best as they can manage. Be easy on yourself!
- This is something I found a while ago. It pertains particularly to grief and the death of a loved one, but I feel it's relevant to grief originating from wherever, and for myself, much of what is written, I can identify with regarding the "death" of my old life. Not sure if the picture will come up big enough to read the writing, but my hubby says just to click on it and it should get bigger.
- I promise you I'm trying to be patient with myself @SoldierCrab. But somehow I feel guilty that I'm not 'better' yet...
- Kmakm I was exactly like you I couldn't and wouldn't plan anything when I was about at the same time frame as you are now....
I didn't know if I would be here now 2018 and I was bereft of any ability to deal with it....
Enjoy India and be patient with yourself. - Thanks @kezmusc and @SoldierCrab. You've made be a bit teary with that quote A. Look, I'm functioning (most days). I can laugh and enjoy stuff, but inside I feel bereft and I cannot for the life of me project forward beyond the end of January when the kids go back to school. I'm so afraid to make plans and hope for something because everytime I do, something massively shit happens and it all evaporates. The head is in sand and I'm simply not thinking about it. But in the meantime I'm starting to get excited about being in my beloved India after two of the longest years of my life. And even better, being off that bloody awful but potentially life saving drug for a month. K xox
- Oh Kmakm, can I say stop being so hard on yourself. YOU know I am coming from a place of love for you, it takes us all time to accept this new normal..... we have the different stages of grief to go through we all do that differently for some it is quicker than others.
https://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/ ;
The five stages,- denial,
- anger,
- bargaining,
- depression
- and acceptance are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with what we lost.
and the bloody new normal can be shit excuse the french but it can be ....
the depression was woeful for me
acceptance is an ongoing process.
Soldiercrab xxxx
