Step 5
Hello ladies, hope you are all feeling well today (hugs to those who aren't!).
Well, I did it. I had my first FEC100 infusion this morning. Let's do the list of positives first:
- My hair looked great today.
- I get free sandwiches.
- I am extra lucky that I get to have my treatment in a small unit. Only 6 chairs and 4 staff. This ensures that the sense of anarchy is negligible. I have no capacity for chaos at this point.
- The nurses at my facility are beautiful. So gentle, so kind, so understanding. My nurse today has held her position for 10 years. I am lucky she is on my team.
- I get free sandwiches.
- It was kinda drama free. Except for me crying like a baby.
- I had a sandwich that was free!
Now for the negatives:
- I had to have effing chemotherapy today. Seriously? How the hell did that happen??
- There was zero fanfare. I feel that such a monumental occurrence should have been accompanied by a Miss Universe style finale. There were NO flowers at the end. Certainly no tiara.
- I cried. A lot. I'm pretty good at putting on my war face. Tears are reserved for private space & time. Yesterday was a super bad day, I woke to the crushing reality that treatment was 24hrs away and then the devastating news that my husbands 'mother' had passed away over night quite unexpectedly. The tears flowed very freely yesterday and once I start, it can sometimes be difficult to stop. I have cried more in the past 36 hours than I have in the past two months.
- I feel like crap. (Apologies, I'm trying really hard to use my lady-words). Snaps to all you warrior princesses that felt pretty much ok or just said you were because you are brave and strong, but I feel like I have something contagious and I'm not selfless enough to put on my big girl panties and pretend that I am not experiencing low level of physical misery.
- My husband needs to go interstate next week. He is devastated by loss. And his grief is being sidelined by his sense of responsibility to me and that seems so unfair. My heart breaks for him. As far as I am concerned, his attendance at the funeral of the woman who opened her home and heart to a sad and broken little boy, is non negotiable. He needs to be there for himself, and also his best friend whose biological mother it was.
- My husband needs to go interstate next week. I'm terrified of him leaving me alone. I won't be alone, of course. My support network is extensive and wonderful but he is the only person I feel safe being vulnerable with. I will never forgive myself if he doesn't go and I'm afraid if he stays to care for me (in spite of my insistence that he goes) that he will forever be just a tiny bit resentful.
- My hair looked great today. Just when I thought I didn't care about losing it, I realised that I do. A lot.
- I couldn't think of anything worse than eating a sandwich.
No doubt this is the part where things get interesting. And all of that is 'fine', but I have a sneaking suspicion that life may get in the way of my carefully constructed Fort of Resilience.
Wishing each and every one of you love, light and endurance ????????
