Hi all This is Annie from BCNA’s Policy Team, and I’m writing this post because I need your help. We are currently putting together some information to help partners of women diagnosed with breast cancer, because we know they can also find it really hard to cope. We want to include some suggested things/tips that partners can do to help women, because many partners tell us that they want to help but don’t know how. So I’m throwing it over to you. What did your partner do to help you during your breast cancer journey? Or… what do you wish they did do, that would have helped you get through your journey? It can be anything – big or small, that helped you through your diagnosis, treatment, and beyond. Thanks all! Now over to you…..

WELL.........My partner was my rock when I was diagnosed, however nearly 5 years, it was only on a recent visit from Jacque's Strap that he finally had the chance to talk face to face in someone that has been through the whole experience. It was the first time that he has had someone to talk to and was a really powerful experience for him. So given his recent experience we need more one of one, (again I am not sure how to make this happen) maybe a forum for men. Face to face contact for men. I have some more ideas, but this is just to get the ball rolling, I am trying to finalise my End of financials year accounts:( so should be working.....he he. lol Back soon. Tanya xx

My partner has just been there and no complaints. He is my rock. He makes jokes to keep me laughing. He just takes it on the chin when I having a bad day and I get a bit grumpy. He doesn't bite back just lets it pass cause he knows I am doing it tough and will get over it. He doesn't have to say a lot but if I need to talk he will answer me honestly. He has shown no signs of loving me less because I am unwell, fat, bald with no eye brows and lashes, he loves me for who I am inside cause I am still the same person he fell in love with. He is a very compassionate, loving and understanding and would do anything for me and he knows if the shoe was on the other foot I would do the same. We are lucky to have found each other. On a personal note, there has been no pressure on me with regards to our personal life in bed. He doesn't push me and accepts when I say I am tired etc.. He knows things will get better and our life in that department will return to how it was. That I think is a hard thing for men to do, to not put pressure on us in that department and to not make us feel guilty when we are not forthcoming. He has shown little fear when things have been tough and I have been very unwell, even if on the inside he is frightened he manages to keep control. That has helped me get through those bad times. Don't get me wrong he isn't a total saint in any way but I am very lucky to have him in my life and especially at this time in my life. Mich xo

Thanks for the reply Tanya - especially with your financial accounts to sort out. I don't envy you :) Glad to hear that your partner was able to talk to Jacques face to face - some partners tell us that really helps. We'll definitely include some information about where partners can go for support, both professional as well as peer support. Looking forward to hearing your other ideas, and what, if anything, your partner did to help you...

My husband has also been amazing , I dont know if it sounds right to say but he actually liked the fact Ive now had to ask him for help. as I think my independence was a pain to him. If anything he has continually told every person along the way how fantastic the cd that you supply in the my journey kit was, Ive discovered its still in the car in the cd player. Maybe a booklet geared up for men, or my husband would do a survey on line. my husband is shy around strangers so this suited him, every medical person spoke to both of us at appointments, and I made sure I asked hubby to come to everyone. Perhaps educating drs nurses etc would be a good thing about not isolating the men, I remember a nurse asked my husband if he would like to assist her to check my wound , I think that was special. Like mitch my husband has not even asked to be intimate, but the other day I said would you like to feel my scar and touch my breast he cracked up laughing and said thats a good pick up line. I just needed him to know its ok. Im sure everyone has good ideas good luck adean

What can partners do to help? | BCNA Online Network

27 Replies

Mich_x
Member
13 years ago
Hi

I agree in that my husband wouldn't go to a support group situation. I am not sure if while he is away working there are people he can talk to either. If we can encourage our friends and family to give hubby a call or invite him out for a drink or lunch, or just pop in out of the blue to say how ya going mate and to give him the chance to open up and get it out there.

Also how we have the cancer council social workers or breast nurses give us a call to see how we are going. Perhaps it might be worthwhile giving the husbands a call as part of their service just to see how they are going. I have found all the ladies who have called me have been a wonderful support so maybe if they call hubby they can be the same support?????

I think a lot of people feel the hubbies are coping with everything that has been put on to them such as cooking, cleaning, washing, caring for kids, playing taxi service to kids, getting us to appointments, caring for us and being there for us when we cry, scream, vent and the rush to the hospital in the middle of the night when our temp spikes etc. Maybe family and friends need to be encouraged to offer him support and help with all of these things he has to do even if he says he is doing okay. I am sure if you stepped in and helped just a little he would be extremely grateful.

My hubby has been lucky in a way in that our kids are grown up and off our hands, he works away and is only home 12 weeks in a year and I am pretty independent (had to be) so he pretty much got off lightly in one sense but in another when he was there he was my rock, my everything, my soul mate. I am sure he found it very hard not being there with me through the whole journey but I have survived and managed with the occasional help from family and friends. We do survive our journey don't we girls :-)

Mich xoxo
Dancing_with_Ne
Member
13 years ago
On the outside everyone thought he was doing really well, hanging out the washing, cooking, getting the boys off to music or yachting, footy etc...but inside he was scared and unable to express his fears to anyone but me. It's been 10 years since I was diagnosed and sadly we had no My Journey Kits or partner CDs so I think it is great that there are now resources out there for partners. It is always a challenge to get men to open up and I know my husband would not have attended support meetings even if there was one to go to...I think we just need to encourage our family and friends to ask our partners straight out..."and how are you today" do you want to catch up for a drink or whatever, as everyone sends the women flowers, cards and phone calls but forgets about our rock standing strong beside us and all the time that rock has a few little fissures and cracks starting to creep in...

My husband made me immune boosting lunches everyday he was able to get away from work...he read about foods that boost your immune such as Blueberry boost juices and very "delicious" sardine concoctions...it was his way of feeling he was taking an active part in my wellness...I must say I was over sardines mushed up into tofu or other delights, but it was a lovely gesture.
moira1
Member
13 years ago
this post in itself would help any partner reading it. But the same as the ladies above, My husband was and still is a rock. I think the main thing was him monitoring calls when i was first diagnosed, and really only wanted to talk to my close family. Apart from the cooking cleaning and trying to run our business in between driving me and being there for every appointment even though we live 600k's away from the hospital. He did have his down times, and normally they were when i was at my lowest during chemo. I did ask him if on the next round of chemo and i was down he could try and stay up. His response to that was he felt so out of his depth not being able to help me, and once again living rural makes it hard for any partner not having someone on hand to talk to them, I feel they are left to just get on with it. I did say to my sister about him staying on an up when i was down, but as she pointed out... he was in a no win situation on that one. If i was down and he was happy, I probably would be asking how he can be happy when i'm so ill.... Like Rosyln said it is not only the treatment, but the after effects when you need someone close, I am 4 years since diagnoses and apart from helping me through everything including the depression, he still comes to my yearly appointments for support. So although the CD is great, I really think we need to think of a way to help our support person.
Kerry23
Member
13 years ago
My hubby ensured that life would be as normal as possible during this journey and that I didnt have to stop anything.

He would sit by my hospital bed following the 3 operations I had reading his book (he is a real bookworm) & holding my hand.

He would drive me for 18 mths the 330kms return trip for treatment every 3 weeks. As I was a Board of Management director for a sporting organisation he would drive me to melb each month while I attended the meetings as well. So many of those trips I was asleep in the car & he drove in silence to ensure I did sleep, often in the wee hours of the morning.

Though I coped well with treatment, when I did have my moments of crashing & sleeping for hours- he made sure noone would wake me and that the meals were cooked & ready for me on waking. I had a passion for Iced coffees during chemo - he provided an endless supply.

But most importantly he held me in his arms every night until I fell asleep.
Kerry23
Member
13 years ago
My hubby ensured that life would be as normal as possible during this journey and that I didnt have to stop anything.

He would sit by my hospital bed following the 3 operations I had reading his book (he is a real bookworm) & holding my hand.

He would drive me for 18 mths the 330kms return trip for treatment every 3 weeks. As I was a Board of Management director for a sporting organisation he would drive me to melb each month while I attended the meetings as well. So many of those trips I was asleep in the car & he drove in silence to ensure I did sleep, often in the wee hours of the morning.

Though I coped well with treatment, when I did have my moments of crashing & sleeping for hours- he made sure noone would wake me and that the meals were cooked & ready for me on waking. I had a passion for Iced coffees during chemo - he provided an endless supply.

But most importantly he held me in his arms every night until I fell asleep.
kato
Member
13 years ago
Another thing I would like to add is a reminder to our partners that they don't have to suddenly become supermen.

There is a huge expectation on our partners that they have to stay positive, be totally supportive, take over the housework and cooking. We never got any help from anyone else at all and my husband was overwhelmed sometimes.

Breast cancer didn't just affect me, it affected the whole family. We wanted to make sure our young son was still able to continue his activities so there is a lot of pressure for men to be the 'perfect husband'.

We prioritised our life, worked out things that were necessary and things that weren't. Once we had done that it took a lot of stress off the household.