What can partners do to help?

Great feedback so far, I feel so blessed, my husband did all of the above, including the bear and the texts.He took control when I struggled, filtered the phone calls, cooked, cleaned, listened attentively, always always encouraging.He was dead set amazing. Never pressued me for intimacy (LOL I used to cry and say that um Intimacy would make me better !!)

I pressured him :)

The only time we had an issue was, a few months after treatment, when I returned to full time work - I had no idea it would take so long to recover, everyone thought that since the treatment was over that I was 'bettter'.

I had a huge breakdown, not his fault, but I struggled to ask for help, found it had to express that I was so terribly frustrated. Nearly 50% of all women diagnosed with breast cancer suffer some form of depression in the first year following treatment. I was terribly active prior to cancer, and simply thought that I could just go back to my old self. Dave didnt understand it either, but once I crashed, and went to seek medical help, unable to even go to work in the end, he again stepped up to the plate.

So my tip for partners is to watch out afterwards - when you think it is all over - that it will take up to two years to recover, to take things just as slowly as when you are having treatment.

Great feedback so far, I feel so blessed, my husband did all of the above, including the bear and the texts.He took control when I struggled, filtered the phone calls, cooked, cleaned, listened attentively, always always encouraging.He was dead set amazing. Never pressued me for intimacy (LOL I used to cry and say that um Intimacy would make me better !!)

I pressured him :)

The only time we had an issue was, a few months after treatment, when I returned to full time work - I had no idea it would take so long to recover, everyone thought that since the treatment was over that I was 'bettter'.

I had a huge breakdown, not his fault, but I struggled to ask for help, found it had to express that I was so terribly frustrated. Nearly 50% of all women diagnosed with breast cancer suffer some form of depression in the first year following treatment. I was terribly active prior to cancer, and simply thought that I could just go back to my old self. Dave didnt understand it either, but once I crashed, and went to seek medical help, unable to even go to work in the end, he again stepped up to the plate.

So my tip for partners is to watch out afterwards - when you think it is all over - that it will take up to two years to recover, to take things just as slowly as when you are having treatment.

Hi Kato,

Thanks for taking the time to share two great tips. I think the first one is so important - giving partners time to themselves to 'just be'. The teddy is also a great one. In the office I sit next to BCNA's 'Trauma Teddy' (I swear I'm not making this up) which is available to provide comfort when needed. Another great suggestion - thank you :)

Annie.

PS here is a photo of Trauma Teddy.....

Hi Annie,

Thanks for your comments - sounds like your partner is a real gem. I really love the idea for a 'care schedule' which makes sure that someone is there for you if you need it, but I'm sure it also gave your partner great peace of mind when he wasn't around. A great suggestion that we'll include in the resource for partners! I also love the sneaky KFC run (truly, what a man).

Annie :)

Hi Tonya,

These are all very practical tips, and will be good for us to include in the resource for partners. It's amazing what a cuddle can do, isn't it? I think this is also a great thing for partners to do when they don't know really know what to say. The help with paperwork and the phone is something we didn't have on our list, so I'm glad you brought it up.

Thanks for your great suggestions Tonya!

Annie :)

Thanks for your comment Adean. Wow - it's great to know that the CD we include for partners in the My Journey Kit was so helpful to your husband. We will be most likely be developing a fact sheet for partners, and in it we will suggest that partners check out the CD you mentioned.

I think you touched on a really important point about involving partners during medical appointments. The research shows that partners can feel really 'out of control' during the breast cancer journey, but providing them with information really helps. Often partners want to come along to appointments but are unsure if they can... some want to ask questions during medical appointments but again are unsure if they should or not. We'll encourage them to go along to medical appointments and ask questions (with the woman's permission). They can also help women by writing information down, because women tell us that sometimes it's hard to 'take it all in.' Thanks again for your suggestions Adean, you've been a great help.

Annie :)

Hi Mich

Thanks for your comment. Sounds like your partner knows when to let things go when you're having a hard time. I also love that he makes you laugh, which is awesome! Thanks also for including the more personal stuff, which we'll definitely cover in the resource because we know it's a really sensitive issue and can be a point of tension between couples.

Annie :)

My hubby was a big help during the process, but I felt it was really important for him to spend some time just for himself.  He was there if I needed him, but by having some time for visiting friends and not talking about BC he would come home relaxed and ready to help. 

The other fantastic practical thing he did was buy me a teddy bear. It seems so minor but I cuddled that teddy through hopital stays, sleepless nights and horrible chemo days. It made me feel so loved and secure. I can understand why kids love cuddling their special toy.

Hey Annie

Yes your man sounds like a real Gem!!!!  Congratulations, like me you managed to choose one of the real good men out there.  We are so lucky and a bit spoilt I would say.  This marraige is second time round for me, can't see my first hubby doing anything to help me and think he would have been the kind to walk away as he wouldn't be able to cope with it but thank god I won't ever have to worry about him cause I am so lucky to get a second chance with a very special man    :-)

Good luck on your journey. 

Mich xoxo

Like others above, my partner has been my rock. He is a funny, funny person, and makes me laugh all the time, which helps immensely. He has driven me to all my appts and taken notes in my book if I'm lying on the table! Over the first few days he set his alarm for every few hours, even during the night, to give me pain medication. He propped up my pillows at the right angle each night to minimise the pain. He screened calls, but also called all the important people when I didn't want to talk to keep them in the loop about everything. During the first 2 weeks after my op he made sure a family member or friend was with me at all times - we called it my 'care schedule'!. When in hospital he came in each day and washed my face, moisturised it, dry shampoo my hair, put deodorant and lip gloss on - it made me feel a million dollars at the time. He also snuck me some KFC into the hospital one day!! I gave him a small list of things I needed from the chemist and he went straight out and got them. He swung by the dr when I needed to new script to pick it up for me. He arranged for the house to be cleaned from head to toe. He walked the dog, which I usually do. All this, and my journey has really only just begun. I am truly blessed. xxx