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Jennyho's avatar
Jennyho
Member
9 years ago

Am I just a sook?

Hi

It is a year since my first and second Breast cancer excisions and lymph node biopsy. The first was on 3 March 2015 and the 2nd a week later on 10 March 2015. Apparently there was a second cancer near the skin which was missed by all. Not blaming my surgeon who is esteemed by all in the know and friends of friends who have experienced her care. However I was quite shattered by the discovery of the second cancer and the need for another surgery so soon. However the prognosis was good after this and I escaped chemotherapy but had 16 radio therapy treatments. Other than a painful and frustrating frozen shoulder for 12 months which has now sorted itself and the usual tiredness and frustration with not having my usual energy everything has been going ok.  Oh, I did have to have a Gall bladder 6 weeks after the breast surgeries with that surgeon and the radio oncologist discussing how to fit it in around radio treatments!  So in all, not the worst of things to happen.

My problem is how I feel about the lack of sympathy and emotional from my family. My husband has always been helpful around the house and is regarded well by all. However 3 days after my second Breast surgery he asked ' shouldn't you be over it by now?' Maybe I was being a bit emotional but that shattered me. That someone so close to me and who professes to love me could be so callous. However I tried to put that behind me (never forgiven though as you see).  My 2 married daughters were soliticious in the first week or so but soon decided I was not seriously ill - which I wasn't but I can't help wanting more emotional support and understanding of my experience. I suppose the 2nd crunch ( after my husband's comment) came this week when visiting a daughter overseas, my 10 year old granddaughter told me that I didn't have cancer because 'the doctor took it out so you are alright now'. I assured her I was alright but felt hurt that this had been dealt with in so perfunctory a manner. Now my youngest granddaughter has developed chicken pox and while there has been much discussion about whether her other grandparents should visit (one has Rheumatoid arthritis so naturally concerns are raised) when I wondered aloud whether I need to be careful about contact, my daughter just said blithely'too late now'.

Sorry about this long essay but I guess I am feeling unloved and certainly lacking in any family sympathy. Perhaps just a sook! 

Thanks for ' listening'

 

 

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  • jacquipp's avatar
    jacquipp
    Member
    9 years ago

    Dear Jenny my heart broke when I read this. I ,meant to reply sooner but.... I know exactly how you are feeling. You are not being a sook. Even though I am at the beginning of this journey I am quickly realising that a lot of people have no idea and just dont know how to respond. I am sure your husband was not trying to be hurtful but just showing some of his frustration and helplessness. A few days before my surgery my housemate made a very thoughtless hurtful statement. Its not like I am actually sick or anything so just get over it, and it is just as bad for him. Thankfully since surgery he has pulled his socks up and actually been looking after me. 

    Take care of you dear lady. Try not to get dragged down by your family if you can. Can you get some time for yourself? It sounds like you are on holidays with them right now, I hope they realise how important you are. 

    Hugs, Jacqui 

  • Jennyho's avatar
    Jennyho
    Member
    9 years ago

    Oh my gosh. What trials you have had! I feel a bit inadequate when hearing of your operations. I am now understanding how it doesn't serve us as well as we might think to crack hardy because then people close to us think we must be fine. Perhaps we do need to tell them that while we are trying to be positive, it is actually quite hard. 

    Take care.

  • Jennyho's avatar
    Jennyho
    Member
    9 years ago

    Thanks Cosette. Actually since I wrote on this network I have felt much better and especially with the responses of people such as you giving me support. I should have done this much earlier. I have spoken to my husband but he doesn't really get it. He thinks he is doing all he can to support me... and he is really.  He just doesn't understand that I need emotional support as wel no matter how often I tell himl. I don't want to go into with my children because I don't want to alarm them or my granddaughters.

    However with this forum I am feeling much more positive to myself and I do try to be kind to myself which doesn't come easily to me. Thanks again.

     

  • Jennyho's avatar
    Jennyho
    Member
    9 years ago

    Thank you Anne.

    I really think people get quite a shock when someone close to them gets a cancer diagnosis but when they see you still upright and with hair they soon decide that you really can't have a real cancer after all! Perhaps this is a mechanism for them to deal with it, I am not sure. And yes, I was careful to assure my granddaughter that I was ok. I certainly did not want her to worry. But....it wouldn't hurt my husband or my daughters to worry....just a little!  Just kidding! I really just need to keep using this forum and 'talking' to people who do understand.

    Take care, Jenny

  • Jennyho's avatar
    Jennyho
    Member
    9 years ago

    Thanks for the hugs Jacqui. I am very grateful for your support. I hope your arm does not worry you too much....although I know it will!  But I hope the knowledge that it will be ok (in a year or so) makes it a bit easier to bear.

    Look after yourself. Jenny