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pelsko's avatar
pelsko
Member
12 years ago

New diagnosis

Hi, my name is Tatjana, I'm 44 married with 3 kids ages 3.5, 6.5 & 10, I have just be diagnosed with Ductal Cancer in my left breast. Yesterday I had a lymp node biopsy and will get my results on Wed next week. I have only told a few close friends, as I'm afraid of my kids finding out from others first. My husband and I will be telling the kids in the next 2 days. We have looked on line for suggested was of doing this, if anyone has any suggestions please help us. For me at this point telling them is worse than the diagnosis. Tx
children
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  • mona63's avatar
    mona63
    Member
    12 years ago

    not an easy thing--but i too avoided the 'cancer ' word until after surgery and when my treatment--radiation and medication -was decided on.  i used 'growth' and this was useful as it gave me a bit of time to get over some the shock etc --older kids can google and younger ones can take on fears so i kept it brief and 'real'--positive but would say if i felt tired etc and i did rest more so i wanted --i did let both schools know --and my kids worked it out in their own way--the youngest not talking to me but talked to friends mother and felt supported by school friends; really kids are very connected with thier own lives and this worked for me as i didnt want them overly worried about me.  Thismonth marks my 6 month anniveresery so we have got some long weekends organised and longer holidays planned--need to get back to fun and this is something that is our focus and looking forward to --good luck

  • mona63's avatar
    mona63
    Member
    12 years ago

    not an easy thing--but i too avoided the 'cancer ' word until after surgery and when my treatment--radiation and medication -was decided on.  i used 'growth' and this was useful as it gave me a bit of time to get over some the shock etc --older kids can google and younger ones can take on fears so i kept it brief and 'real'--positive but would say if i felt tired etc and i did rest more so i wanted --i did let both schools know --and my kids worked it out in their own way--the youngest not talking to me but talked to friends mother and felt supported by school friends; really kids are very connected with thier own lives and this worked for me as i didnt want them overly worried about me.  Thismonth marks my 6 month anniveresery so we have got some long weekends organised and longer holidays planned--need to get back to fun and this is something that is our focus and looking forward to --good luck

  • jenpen's avatar
    jenpen
    Member
    12 years ago

    Hi Tatiana,

    I think the ladies above have pretty much covered it! 

    When we first told our kids, one of the first things I said was that I wasn't going to die....& that chemo (& all its side effects) was strong medicine to make Mum better.  With this fear gone I think they seem to deal with it easier & have been great over the last 6 months.

    I involved the kids.....they came to chemo with me during the holidays so they knew what it involved. The other thing we did was make them my chief hairdressers to clipper my hair after it started falling out.

    Just be honest with them & openly answer any questions. They wanted to see my scars & have heaps of fun using my prosthesis as a stress ball!

    Best of luck Tatjana as your journey begins....sending big hugs your way, Jen x

    (P.s. I spoke to the school too as I know kids can be cruel but the kids have all been great & make nice comments about my scarves!)

  • pelsko's avatar
    pelsko
    Member
    12 years ago
    Thank you, you are right , one step at a time for all of us, and a step at a time through the whole journey. It really helps to read everyone's experiences, thank you so much. Good luck. Tatjana x
  • pelsko's avatar
    pelsko
    Member
    12 years ago
    Thank you so much for sharing your experience, I've had a few comments, and they have all been very similar. Keeping the info simple seems to be the best way to go. I really appreciate your message. Thank you. Tx
  • Tashie125's avatar
    Tashie125
    Member
    12 years ago

    Hi tatjana Unfortunately I have had to have the same chat with my kids. I have four kids 1,3,6 and 8. The older two were the ones who understand more, but I explained it in simple terms similar to Angela as above. I had surgery and they knew I was fragile as I couldn't lift the baby easily. But I showed them my 'pirate' scars because of course that's how they believed i got them, being a pirate, bless them! We went onto explain that there were some nasty bugs in there that had been cut out but I needed more medincine(chemo) to make sure they were all gone. Explained the hair loss bit and they were really good with the info we gave them. No doctors words and I too didn't mention the cancer word until way down the track. I just followed there lead and answered the questions they had about how I might feel, look and about being tired and maybe sick. I also spoke with the school teachers so they knew what was going on and as I had to travel for chemo I kept them informed as too who I was leaving my kids with, when I would be back and contact numbers. My kids have been my greatest distraction throughout this journey, just what I needed when feeling down and my biggest reason to keep going. I'm glad that we were upfront and honest about it with them as it allows me to talk freely with everyone else as well, we don't have to stop conversations or talk in code. It just keeps the lines of communication open and I found being honest with them meant they have been honest with me about their feelings. Hope it goes ok for you, wishing you all the best. Tash xxx

  • Robyn_W's avatar
    Robyn_W
    Member
    12 years ago
    I had the same diagnosis as you ,last September.I have finished treatment and am on Tamoxifen now.I have 3 children in foster care, and when I was diagnosed,we only told them what they needed to know.They didnt need to know the details of cancer.When I had surgery,we just said that I had to have an operation because I had an illness that needed fixing.When I came home, we told them that I was fine,but just needed a bit of help around the house.I looked the same,and I wasn't bedridden.When I had chemo,if I hadn't lost my hair,I don't think they would have known! I only felt tired for 4 or 5 days each round.Apart from the stricter hygiene rules in the house,everything remained the same.I think that you should tell them a little bit at each step,not right now that 'mum has cancer'.We are all different in our reactions to treatments,and what we need.You might do just fine.I did! Take care.Cheers xoxRobyn
  • AngelaSF's avatar
    AngelaSF
    Member
    12 years ago
    Hi so sorry you are here and no doubt so much going on in your head. my kids are 6, 9 and 21. I am 43. Just finished chemo following mastectomy and axillary clearance. I went and told the school the day my diagnosis was confirmed as I was to have surgery 2 days later and knew the teachers needed to know what was going on at home . It proved to be a good call. Then I drip fed the info starting with the need for surgery for a bad bit in mummy's boobie. One step at a time was enough for me and so figured that's all they needed. I did not use the cancer word for a long time and found it had no meaning for the little one. After surgery I explained the need for the strong medicine and that all my hair would fall out. My 6 year old was very accepting and I gave the 9 yr old lots of opportunity to ask questions especially at that goodnight cuddle when they open up and also asked about the info she shared with her friends with lots of reassurance . I was also given a photocopy of a book called mummy's lump from my breast care nurse. this is a picture story book which my 6 yrold asked me to read many times . The kids in the story are young too.i found by not making a big deal of of it the kids follow your lead. It also helped my 9 yrold to know Kylie ( minogue) had had the same treatment - discussed further down the track. Good luck and you know your kids best so go with what feels right for you. Angela
  • gypsygirl's avatar
    gypsygirl
    Member
    12 years ago
    Hi Tatjana So sorry to read about your diagnosis. I was diagnosed last September and am the same age as you with 2 children 6.5 and 11 (when I was diagnosed). I was fortunate to have a strong support network with great neighbours, grandparents etc. As soon as I was diagnosed we informed the kids school and they were a great support - as well as keeping a close eye on the kids for any changes in their behaviour. We told both kids as soon as I knew I had to have chemo. My 6 yo coped well but my 11 yo daughter found it more difficult. She has been working with a child Physcologist which has really helped her deal with her issues. Everyone is different but I think you need to be honest with your kids and give them the facts (in basic terms) and let them know that they can come to you with any questions or fears they have. My daughter still has separation anxiety which we are working through but this is getting better, especially since I went back to work. Good luck with your journey - I'm happy to have a chat - just send me a msg (I'm in sydney) xRita