Thanks for being there
I never realised before I was diagnosed that faily and friends can actually make you feel worse than you already do.
After receiving my diagnoses last Monday I have tried to spend quality time with my husband and sons, but the calls, visits and mobile messages wear me out. The constant questions about why I am not already booked in for surgery and why I am not pushing to get a quicker date. They me feel at times like I am not putting in the effort to get help and am not taking this as seriously as I should.
When you are this stressed, adding guilt and the feeling you are somehow letting others down is really hard
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Hi SuziBee
I had a similar experience when I was first diagnosed in June 2010. I couldn't cope with everyones stories, opinions, or questions. Every single person I spoke to had a cancer story and I was expected to hear every single detail. I was told what to do, when to do it, Things I should eat and shouldn't eat, alternative medicine people I should see and second opinions I should seek.
I tried talking to a close friend about my feelings and she got angry with me because she said people were just trying to help.
So, I took a step back. I realised that people only meant well, even if it wasn't helping. I had to remember that they are in shock too and were scared for me. I needed to put myself first for a while (something I think all mums almost never do) I turned off my mobile and had my mother (who visited everyday) and husband handle all communication until such time as I could get my head around what had just happened to me.
Protect yourself as you will need all your energy to win the fight. In the end everyone will understand and will be there for you in a way that will help.
Good luck and keep up your strength.
Janeann
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Thanks Janeann, I really appreciate that. I was getting to a point where I was more worried and drained from dealing with the calls than I was about my diagnosis.
I was dubious about joining this network, but am so glad that I signed up now. How are you going?
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Yes, I know what you mean.Some of the things people say they would do aren't very helpful at all.No one knows what you are going through, until they've been through it themselves. People do mean well I realize but don't know all the emotions etc. you are going through and how it effects you. I was given a doll from the cancer council that had 2 faces, one sad and one happy. I was told to put the sad face around when I wasn't up to talking or anything. Lucky I live on a property so I didn't have to many visitors, and my husband takes the calls. I just talk to the people now, that have gone through it or going through it, and ones that I know try and understand.
Don't feel guilty and feel you have let people down, because you haven't. It's a hard process to go through.It's also very hard for your husband, but they have no one to talk to most times.
Take care
Kay
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Yes, I know what you mean.Some of the things people say they would do aren't very helpful at all.No one knows what you are going through, until they've been through it themselves. People do mean well I realize but don't know all the emotions etc. you are going through and how it effects you. I was given a doll from the cancer council that had 2 faces, one sad and one happy. I was told to put the sad face around when I wasn't up to talking or anything. Lucky I live on a property so I didn't have to many visitors, and my husband takes the calls. I just talk to the people now, that have gone through it or going through it, and ones that I know try and understand.
Don't feel guilty and feel you have let people down, because you haven't. It's a hard process to go through.It's also very hard for your husband, but they have no one to talk to most times.
Take care
Kay
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Hi SuziBee,
You're right, sometimes friends and family don't know exactly what to do or say that will help.
Have you found the 'Helping a Friend or colleague' brochure on our website yet? Here's the link, if you think it will help : http://www.bcna.org.au/new-diagnosis/helping-friend-or-colleague-breast-cancer.
Di
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Last Friday was my last chemo. I have been on a trial so have had 8 chemos instead of the usual 6 - one every 3 weeks, so it feels like I have been sick for ever. Thank goodness its over!!!!! My cancer was considered too aggressive to have surgery first so it was recommended that chemo commense immediately.
Now thats over I am booked in for surgery on January 12th, so not much to look forward to in the New Year. I want the surgery over but am scared to death of going under the knife. I am trying not to think about it as this is the phase which is scaring my girls (12 year old twins) the most. If I stay calm they seem to be okay, and if they are okay then so am I.
I can now ignore the phone (and the mobile - because if you don't answer the home phone then they ring the mobile, when all else fails they will send you a SMS) when I don't feel like talking. I can say no please don't visit and nobody minds. Your friends and family will understand. Its all about you for the moment. Be good to you.
I love this site because you can say how you feel without fear of retribution from others. There are so many wonderful people out there who will agree or offer advise. I don't feel alone anymore.
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welcome to this site, it is great to ask for help, advise or just scream at the world, we will all listen and help were we can, thats what we woman do when in trouble, your not alone and we all have something to give, welcome to the sisterhood of BC. Great advise has already started but getting others to pick up and say "thanks, but Suzibees resting I'll pass on your love and support and she will ring you when she's ready, " is the best way to handle things. i had a friend ring me 3 times a day to see how I was going it got so overwhelming I had to say thanks but let me call you when i get my head around things or need help or a chat. Any friend will understand. Good luck and let the answering machine do it's job while you gain strength to face the battles ahead, a well rested person makes better decisions and fights stronger, take care, thinking of you, Kaz
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Hi
I so know what you are going through !
I am due to have surgery on this Thursday and it scares the heck out of me.
I to just didnt want to speak to anyone if they rang it was just to hard at the start. It was so fresh like an open wound that just needed time to heal a little.
I to have had all the opinionated people saying gee why have they taken so long to book you in etc. The waiting is hard enough let alone others adding to it.
Like others say just take time for you as you do need it. This is sometihing that unless others have been thrown into this position really dont have a full understanding of how hard it is on us.
I to was glad to join this site as the ladies on here are so so understanding and been there before and can help us all out.
Thank you ladies
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What Evie wrote reminded me of something my mum said to me when I was overwhelmed with well-meaning people...sometimes it's important to play along (at least smile sweetly and say thank you...and then disregard what you don't want to retain)...because the people who love you need to feel like they are doing something...memories!
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