It all started when I turned 40
May 2012.
I know that some people say that life begins at 40, but for me turning 40 was far from a wonderful new beginning. It was a new beginning, but it was a beginning full of worry and uncertainty, a year full of surprises and new challenges.
I received many phone calls and well wishes on turning 40. Including a call from one of my younger sisters who happily reminded me that now I was 'old' I could go along to BreastScreen SA and have my free mammogram. Having lost my mother to breast cancer (when she was just 53) I qualified for a mammogram screening at Breast Screen SA.
Having a history of breast cancer in the family, I had always made sure I did regular self examinations and I had never had any problems. To ease my worry, I had always intended to have a mammogram once I turned 40, so I made the call and my appointment was booked in for early June 2012. I went along feeling a bit uncomfortable having never experienced a mammogram and wasn't quite sure what to expect. I had heard plenty of stories about how much it hurts and how uncomfortable it was. However once I sat in the room all I could think of was my mum and all the pain she had suffered and all the terrible experiences she had been through with her 4 year fight with breast cancer. What was about to happen to me couldn't be compared to that (which is often something I tell myself when I am afraid or worried about something). My name was called and I went in. Yes, it was an uncomfortable experience, but it wasn't painful and it was over quickly. I was then told that they would call if there were any problems - if they needed to see me for further investigation. I left feeling relief that it was over and happily rang my sister to let her know I had done as she had reminded me and had the mammogram. I felt confident. After all I'm only young. There wouldn't be any problems yet.
Not really thinking about it again, I was taken by surprise when I received a call back from BreastScreen SA several days later. "We have found an area that needs further investigation. You will need to have more testing done." There was no lump. Instead, I had a large area of calcium deposits. A 'cluster' that were of particular shapes and sizes that were of concern.
I hit the panic button and immediately began to worry. It's very hard to stop the immediate negative thoughts from entering your head. I waited several days (even though it felt like weeks) for the 'further' investigation. With my amassing and supportive husband by my side, I was to be at the appointment by 9am and would be home by mid day - unless you didn't have the all clear and were asked to stay for the afternoon to continue with the next level of testing. When I was asked to stay for the afternoon I was shattered. Now when I think back this was the one point that I worried the most and had that fear of finding out that I might have cancer. My thoughts went instantly to my beautiful boys (who were at the time 3 and 5 years). What if I have cancer? They are so young. I would never want them to see me go through what I watched my mum go through. The fear of the unknown was making me feel physically sick as I waited for my turn to have a core biopsy. It was a procedure that was to take 20- 30 minutes. However due to the position of the area they were trying to reach I lay face down on the stainless steel bed for almost 1 hr and 30 minutes. My left breast was hanging down a hole in the centre of the bed and it was pulled, poked and prodded every way possible until at last they had the core sample they needed. Again as I lay there to help myself through the process I thought of my mum. I thought of my wonderful husband and my darling boys. I prayed that it would all be ok.
If you had ever thought waiting for a kettle to boil or waiting for that break in the traffic was frustrating, try waiting for possible cancer test results. I had sleepless nights, was unable to eat during the day (apart from chocolate), couldn't concentrate on work and was incredibly grumpy. I had morning/allday sickness all over again, only I wasn't pregnant. I received a call from my GP late one afternoon about 3 days after the biopsy informing me that the test wasn't clear, but it wasn't showing as cancer either. I remember being relieved, but also worried as I knew that it wasn't over. Further investigation was required.
It was now the first week in July. Two months since I turned 40 and 1 month since I had my first mammogram. I went along to my specialist who informed me that due to what showed on the results, the formation of the cluster and my family history, the best thing to do would be remove the effected area and have it tested further. This was a simple procedure and would be day surgery. Several days before the procedure I had the incredibly uncomfortable experience of having a carbon track mark put in my left breast so that the surgeon knew the exact area to remove. Because there was no lump that was easy to recognise they needed to mark the effected area with ink (similar to a tattoo). The calcium deposits were as small as grains of sand and of course they were in a bad position which again was a hard spot to insert the VERY LARGE needle. The day surgery followed several days later. However I woke from the anaesthetic with an infection and in a huge amount of pain (probably from the complications when doing the core biopsy). Five days later I left hospital and was home with my beautiful (all be it noisy) family.
The results came back not long after. I sighed with a huge relief as I was told there were no cancer cells found. However it wasn't completely clear, there were cells found that were classed as 'atypical cells'. This can mean the earliest of earliest stages of breast cancer. However I had full faith in my specialist that everything was ok once this area was removed. The cluster was removed, there fore any chance of cancer developing was removed. The recovery from this operation was about 3 weeks. I think this was longer than usual, but was due to the infection. The left side of my chest ached, my left arm ached - right down to my wrist. It felt heavy and uncomfortable. For the first few weeks, I had to be careful how I used my left arm and of course I had to be very careful with two little boys around who are like live wires 24/7. My main problem was that we live in a very cold part of South Australia and every time I went outside the cold air would make my scar ache like crazy. I ended up using a small wheat bag down my shirt each time i left the house 
I had asked around to see what people use to help with their scarring. Most suggestions were Rose Hip oil with vitamin E and Bio Oil. There wasn't one that was really recommended more than the other, so I went with Rose hip oil as I had some of this in my cupboard. I used it for about 6 weeks, 2-3 times a day. I didn't really see any change after this period, but then again I didn't know how long it would take before I should. I decided to change to Bio Oil. I saw a difference within a week. For me - Bio Oil was what worked. However I believe that it would be different for each and every person. Now one year later, the scar is the same color as my skin and not easily visible.
Over the months following my surgery I had times where I would worry about that big question "will i get cancer?" What happens if there are cells somewhere in my body growing and changing? I don't want to go through what my mum went through. How would I cope? What would happen to my boys?
I had my children later in life. My mum had hers in her early 20's. It broke my heart when my mum passed away and I was 31 years old. I couldn't imagine what it would be like for 2 young boys to lose their mum or for me, the thought of having to leave them is just unbearable. I know that I am the sort of person that can worry a lot about things and we all know that stress isn't any good for us so I would try to push any negative thoughts away and focus on my family and work. I work from home, so spend many hours working in the evening and in and around school and kindy times. After losing mum I made a promise to myself to never take my family, friends and loved ones for granted. I have always tried to make sure that they are number one, that I'm there for them and that they all appreciate how much they all mean to me. I loved my mum, she was so special, so strong and so brave. I never really knew how much she meant to me, how much she was there for me or how much she held our family together until she was gone. Then it was to late. This is not a mistake I want to make again.
So it was now down to waiting for a letter in the post to remind me that my check up was due. The check up period is normally 1 year, but my specialist had requested that I come back to have my left breast check at 6 months.
Comments
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Emma May, Hi,
I was also diagnosed with breast cancer around my 40th b'day. The timing of mamagrams etc is almost identical. That was seven years ago and I have resisted sites like this as I didn't particulary identify. I deal with a kind of guilt because as far as diagnosis and treatments go, like you early detection, small ammounts and low grade of cancer mean we are extremely fortunate. However, seven years, on I still haven't been signed off oncology, ie, I have been prescribed tamoxifen for another five years. Apart from my guilt at being OK, I struggle with not being defined by breast cancer but by being defined by the treatment. Seven years on Tamoxifen and it's side effects are ruining my life and while there is a lot of sympathy from both professional services and family and friends at the end of the day, I that amplified mood swings, hot flushes, lack of concentration, lack of sleep are just turning me into a monster. The shame of yet another falling out due to a bad day is a constant prescence in my life. I wander when they'll be no one left to upset?
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Yes, I also resisted asking questions and being part of sites like this as I didn't feel like I belonged here. I didn't feel like i have breast cancer (and sometimes still don't). I felt that as my DCIS diagnosis was caught so early, and I'm not needing all of the treatment that so many women out there need that my questions, problems and needs are insignificant to so many others. I don't want to complain about what I'm going through, when I know how lucky I am. There are so many women out there that are really fighting for their lives (women like my mum) that have to face a massive fight for their lives. I have been keeping a private blog and taking photos as I go, Which i have just started putting up on here this week. I now wish i had put it up earlier. I'm sorry to hear that you have been on tamoxifen for a long period and have to live with with all the side effects. Having people around you that understand and are there to support you is so important. I guess that is where sites like this are so helpfull and a great support base. Stay strong.0
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I too had not long been 40, and had the new beginning, now in my 7th year, I too didn't know where I fit. But in 2010 I joined the mets category, but still not sure.
I resisted groups as I didn't want to appear healthy, and I too burdened myself with " survivors guilt". Now I realise, we all have a story and we are each different but living the same life of fear, confusion, denial, anger, happiness and joy, and that's usually all in the same day.
My friends are great, and they have experienced each of the same feelings, but I want to talk to same people who know about the good and the bad days.0 -
I too had not long been 40, and had the new beginning, now in my 7th year, I too didn't know where I fit. But in 2010 I joined the mets category, but still not sure.
I resisted groups as I didn't want to appear healthy, and I too burdened myself with " survivors guilt". Now I realise, we all have a story and we are each different but living the same life of fear, confusion, denial, anger, happiness and joy, and that's usually all in the same day.
My friends are great, and they have experienced each of the same feelings, but I want to talk to same people who know about the good and the bad days.0 -
Karen, Hi,
Thank you for your post. I am sure we feel the same way. Even when I was diagnosed with DCIS I wouldn't say I had cancer as a close friend had been diagnosed with secondaries at the same time. That woman had had breast cancer 16 yrs prior and was given 6 months to live. So I just shut up and stoically downplayed my diagnosis and treaments. Thankfully, my friend is still alive - she has had brain surgeries, titanium implanted in her spine and several treatments of radio and chemo. Throughout all her ordeal, I have been well. That's if you emphasise physical appreance. The effects of tamoxifen and how it turns me into a monster are another matter. I also have another friend who was diagnosed around the same time. As both my friends were older than me, my early detection was another positive aspect of my diagnosis. Also, both my frineds were larger ladies compared to me so their mastectomies were as obvious as their hair loss from chemo. Someone actually told me that I looked too pretty so people couldn't feel sorry for me. Not that I wantedt sympathy, but I felt I was being punished for making the effort to just get on with my life - that included fashion and make up as that was my background! So on many levels I can't relate to the serious and life threatening treatments that many women on this site experience daily and ongoing, simply because my treatment hasn't been as invaisive. But it still doesn't mean my issues aren't real and ongoing TO ME!.
Karen, not sure where you live but if you want to talk, I would love to talk to someone my age with as you so perfectly expressed it, "survivor guilt". Hope you catch me on a good day but I will own up if it happens to be a bad day.
Kind Regards,
Maria
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